Case Study: How I Come Back from the Low Road (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Today, let's talk about moments that we aren't so proud of. We're human, we have baggage, so conflicts can get messy. How do we repair things after we mess up?

I'll share 5 examples from my own personal life, to illustrate. Hopefully, that can be of service to you.

When I weaponized a partner‘s insecurities in a conflict

One of the biggest points of pressure with my nesting partner has been money. We finally struck an equitable balance, but it took a while. One time, a few years ago, I was upset because he made a big purchase for himself while cutting back on contributions to the home. In an attempt to “win” the argument, I brought up some of his insecurities, even though they weren’t really relevant. He stopped the conversation and said that was unacceptable.

Coming back from that means shaking off the righteousness and urge to win, and instead reaching for humility and mutual agreement. After calming down, I came back to him feeling ashamed, and said “it wasn’t cool for me to do that, especially to somebody that I love. I’m sorry. Whenever you feel ready to continue our conversation, I still want to find a solution that works for both of us.“

Now, whenever one of us gets elevated, we revert back to “we are a team, let’s come back to being teammates”. It resets the tone and encourages collaborative problem-solving rather than winning or losing.

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When I was cruel

Thankfully, I don’t do this at all anymore. But before I was getting personal help, I could be very cruel during conflict, during negotiation, or even just in creative feedback.

Coming back from it means making a sincere amends and working to fully stop that behavior. Apologizing, but continuing to do it, renders that apology meaningless.

It’s very important that apologies don’t include justifications for the behavior. Sure, I was abused in a cult and taught that cruelty was synonymous with love. I often genuinely thought I was being helpful when I was being mean. But bringing that part up in an apology does not serve the person I harmed, it only serves my ego.

I’ve contacted people from college who stopped talking to me because of my cruelty, and said “If you're willing to accept it, I'd like to say sorry for how I used to treat you. I understand why you distanced yourself from me. You never deserved it and I hope you’re thriving.”

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When I fawned / lowered myself in a child-like way

For a myriad of reasons, I can still fawn around mean or judgmental women, wanting them to approve of me. It's one of the tougher patterns for me to break. I don't think I'm necessarily "in the wrong" when it happens, because it's a trauma response that mainly just harms me. But I do loathe how it feels to do it.

At one point, a person I followed publicly said polyamorous creators don't make valuable content, and in earnest I was curious if I was included in that. I messaged her privately, asking if she had feedback. But then I started going too hard with it, criticizing myself and undercutting my strengths in an attempt to seek her favor. It didn’t work anyway, because she wasn't actually interested in that kind of conversation. I walked away upset because I knew I repeated a very old behavior.

This person is not someone I want to continue interacting with, so I processed it with my nesting partner instead. I found value in revisiting the original traumas which created this response in me. It's now a conscious intention to try to act differently when I notice a similar personality type coming for me (whether abstractly or directly). I aim to pause before rushing to talk to them, and check in with loved ones first. We can't control when trauma responses hit us, but we can have a plan of action in place for when they inevitably do.

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When I gave the silent treatment

This is a tricky one, because if someone is abusive, it's helpful to distance ourselves. I went silent with my father for the last year of his life, because he grew so bitter and mean that I cried after every conversation. In this way, I see silence as a valid boundary that we can set with someone who chronically mistreats us.

But what about when we feel the urge to use silence as a weapon or punishment? I did this in my early 20s with an ex roommate who hurt my feelings, and I just cast her out of my life. She kept trying to reach out to heal, but I just kept ignoring her. It was a punitive reaction that hurt her a lot, and basically ended our friendship. 

I did eventually come back to her. “I know we haven’t talked in years. I realize I was being immature and harsh by going silent. I am really sorry about that and regret it. I hope you’re doing well today, and if you’re ever interested in meeting for a coffee or something, I'm here.” She didn’t really want to ever talk again, and that’s fair. Today, if I ever get the impulse to punish someone like that, I remember this experience. If I go silent for a day or two, I come back as soon as possible and say sorry for disappearing. I ask myself, “do I want to risk losing the entire relationship over this?“ Because people aren't always there when we try to come back to them.

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When I spiraled about being a bad person

Luckily this also hasn’t reared its head for me in quite a long time, but I used to do it constantly in the cult. Back then, I lived in a house with 8 other teenage girls. Every time one of them pushed back on me for being inconsiderate or crossing a bound, I would always cry. I would spiral about how I’m not a good person, how I'm not getting better and never will.

Whether conscious or not, this can be self-centered. The spiraling took the focus off the person who was harmed, and onto me. It also prompted a couple codependent-leaning girls to rush to my side and reassure me that I am a good person.

In terms of how I'd come back from this if it happened today, I imagine I would say something like, “Oh shit, I’m doing it again. I’m sorry, Let’s get back to talking about you.“ Quick and to the point, re-centering the harmed person.

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Anyway, that's what comes to mind today. I hope it can offer some solace if you ever find yourself doing one or more of these things. If you do relate, please know you're not condemned to these behaviors forever. Most of them haven't been in my relationships for years, to the point it almost feels like I'm telling someone else's anecdotes. It's possible to evolve, to cope better, to have more respectful conflict and more substantive conflict resolution. But we're allowed to be human and say or do things we regret. It just matters how we respond to hurting someone, and how we make it right.

xx

Morgan