10 Questions To Ask About Existing Boundaries (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

Let’s talk about creating sustainable boundaries. What are some things we can ask ourselves to see if these agreements would feel good long-term?

First, a refresher on some terminology. In the context of interpersonal relationships, the rough definition of “boundary” that I use is: the setting of expectations for how we’re willing to be treated, and what we’re willing to participate in. The rough definition of “rule” I use is: a requirement for how someone else must act or refrain from acting.

For example, a boundary might be, “If you decide to stop taking your mental health meds, I’d rather not live with you anymore.” Whereas a rule would be, “you’re not allowed to go off your meds, so I will check in daily to make sure you’re staying on top of it.”

I see boundaries as the setting of expectations for our own behavior if a situation changes, while rules are an attempt to control the situation so we don’t have to change. Rules can also create power struggles and resentments within the dynamic, which is a big reason I try to avoid them.

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Below are some prompts to review the nature of existing boundaries, whether solo or with your partner(s). The goal is to explore intentionality around them, and to discern if they might actually be rules, and thus less manageable long-term. I hope they may be of service in your pursuit of sustainability.

• Would I describe this boundary as one or more of us being “allowed” / “not allowed” to do something (as opposed to free choice and mutual respect)?
• Can I adhere to this agreement, or does it feel too restrictive (and / or do I have a track record of already breaking it)?
• Is any part of me ignoring what I desire in order to avoid changes in the relationship?
• Is any part of me ignoring their explicit desires out of fear of being hurt?
• Does this boundary put any person in a position of power over another? (If yes, was that explicitly consented to, especially by the person with less power?)
• Does this boundary have direct consequences for any adults outside the relationship? (If yes, were they also included in the decision making process?)
• Does one or more of us ever feel trapped by this boundary? (If yes, what changes might help relieve that experience?)
• Does one or more of us ever feel the desire to lie / withhold information in order to keep the peace? (If yes, what aspect of the current agreement makes us feel like hiding from the other person?)
• Do I feel resentment toward them, or the potential for resentment down the road? (If yes, how might that be defused or prevented?)
• Do I trust my partner fundamentally, and do they trust me?

These are broad things I consider when taking stock of boundaries. Each unique scenario would also have sub-questions tailored to the people involved. Hopefully, this can be a helpful jumping off point if you feel stress around one or more boundaries in your relationships.

What else would be helpful to consider?

I hope you have a beautiful weekend. I’m off now to spend a week with a partner who’s coming from California all the way to Germany! 

With love,

Morgan