Case Study: How I Set Boundaries with Friends in High Risk Situations (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

This week, by request, let’s talk about setting boundaries with friends who are in high risk romantic or sexual relationships. What do we do when they want to confide in us, but aren’t taking action to change or leave?

Today, I’ll offer a few ways that I offer compassion and resources, while being clear on what I can or can’t offer. As always, I can only outline what I practice in my own life. Some things might not suit your situation, but hopefully some of it resonates.

First, consider the context

So much about boundary setting is context dependent. What is the nature of this dynamic? Are they an acquaintance from work, a childhood friend, a partner? Think about the history of your patterns together and the power dynamics involved.

As well, what is the nature of their risk? Are they in a new partnership that seems unstable, and could end in heartbreak? Maybe it’s a pattern of reckless and barrier-free sex. Or maybe they’re returning to a long-time abuser, and you fear for their safety. The context of their situation could impact the way you express your boundary.

Be clear on your own needs

Before drawing a new line with someone, it helps to take stock of both our internal world and the desired external circumstances.

Are you feeling anger, fear, stress, exhaustion? Are you frustrated by months of trying to help them without seeing any changes? Or maybe their behavior is setting off your trauma triggers. Clarity on what we’re bringing to the conversation can help it go as smoothly as possible.

Now, what is the ideal logistical outcome? Maybe you’re fine continuing to talk about their love life, but just need a check-in before they go on a rant or disclose graphic details. It could be that you want them to seek more support people than just you, because you’re feeling burned out. Or maybe you want to stop having these talks altogether, unless they’re explicitly asking for your help to leave. Clarity on the call to action will help in establishing new expectations.

Different methods of approach

There are a few ways that I go about doing this, depending on the above information. If one of these approaches feels like it fits, absolutely make it your own and adapt it however you see fit.

1. Ask questions that communicate concern

e.g. “Are you feeling secure in this relationship?” “Do you feel like they’re being respectful to you?” “Do you ever worry that this could hurt someone?” etc. Questions can be gentle ways to have them explore their own situation, and are usually received as less judgmental than declarative statements.

2. Validate and redirect

e.g. “I’m really glad you feel like you can come to me about this. I think ultimately I might not be the best person to ask for advice on it, because my relationship is structured so differently. But I can point you in the direction of resources that might help.” Sometimes it really is just bigger than you, and redirecting them could be the best solve for everyone. I like to first express my love for them and gratitude for their trust, as that can avoid misinterpretation.

3. Express concern directly

e.g. “Can I level with you right now? What you’re saying worries me. I care about you and don’t want you to get hurt.” I usually prime them with a request to speak frankly first, so they don’t feel caught off guard. But we can’t control how they hear us. If they’re not trying to see what we see, they won’t. They could walk away from it feeling sour or even cut ties. There is risk in being direct, but some situations do call for it. When delivered with compassion, I see this as a radical act of love.

4. Set terms or limits on specific topics

e.g. “I love you a lot. About this subject though, I think I can’t really hear about it anymore…” or, “I want you to feel like you can come to me about anything. But texting me 50 times a day isn't cool.” This is pretty straightforward communication about how we want to be treated, and what we’re willing to participate in.

5. Limit access

Basically, you don’t have to be available. You can just engage with them when you choose. I usually limit access after I’ve already set a boundary but they’re not respecting it. I don't owe them continued engagement when I already was clear on my limits. Usually it's a last resort for me, but depending on the history with a friend, it could be the go-to response. If they have a pattern of feeling entitled to your emotional labor for example, maybe you leave them on read because you don't want to repeat your boundary a tenth time. This is a distancing action, but it’s also a form of self protection, in my opinion.

When we know and love the person, it can be hard to detach. So if we notice ourselves feeling overwhelmed, resentful, exhausted or any other symptom of over extension, it’s probably time to set a boundary.

I imagine there are limitless ways to bring this subject up, but that’s what comes to mind for me. To be clear: I’m a believer in bodily autonomy, which includes having the right to pursue high risk situations. I aim for harm reduction wherever possible, especially if I’m being asked for advice directly. But if they aren’t wanting help to change what they’re doing, then preaching or condemning will only serve to make us unsafe people to turn to if they do ever want help. Boundaries offer us a way to remain a safe harbor for them, without harming ourselves.

With love,

Morgan