Case Study: How I Check In After Casual Hook Ups (Patreon)

Happy May Day, cutie!

If you’re American like me, you may not have heard of May Day. It’s an internationally recognized labor day to celebrate the victories of the working class. The day is also tied to regional rituals and festivals that signify the start of summer in the northern hemisphere.

In the spirit of summertime and summer love (my apologies to the southern hemisphere cuties, I do see you), let’s talk about flings.

More specifically, let’s talk about emotional aftercare following a brief fling or casual hook up.

The polyam community has a lot of overlap with the kink community, but even experienced kinksters don’t always consider aftercare for more “vanilla” sex. Sure, we’ll need a check-in after a physically or psychologically challenging kink scene. But what about when we have a one night stand and feel an emotional drop afterward? What about when we have a whirlwind weekend love affair, and then feel a bit sad or confused? 

We might not need something extreme for these situations; even a brief text or casual breakfast can ease us out of the drop. But it's helpful to seek out some form of reassurance or care, even if you don't plan to ever see them again.

Today, I’ll share a few examples of how I check in after hook ups. It will be in my own style of speaking, so the language might not feel natural for you. I’m definitely not recommending a copy / paste template from this. However, I hope these can offer a jumping off point for you to find your own words.

-

Scenario: A friendly and flirty connection turns to sex, but there’s zero desire to build something romantic. Things feel a bit awkward afterward. I’m unsure what she’s thinking or expecting, and unsure if she had a nice time. Are we still considering ourselves friends, or have things changed?

Check in text: “Morning, I had a really nice time. I felt a bit shy after Saturday night, but it was very fun too. I often have fluidity of intimacy with friends, without necessarily consistency there. But I realize we didn’t really negotiate that, so I also want to check in if you were feeling any kind of ways about the friendly-to-intimate-to-friendly vibes.”

Result: She responds to me saying she also had a nice time and also felt shy afterward. We’re both late bloomer queer women, so can still feel a bit young and insecure around queer sex. She calls me a “spicy friend”, which I love. Instantly, we both relax and get back to playful texting and sending memes. Sex can be an optional part of our friendship now, without expectation or pressure.

-

Scenario: I’m going to a wedding in France, but the partner who knows this couple can’t afford to travel right now. I have a comet in London who is totally down to take a train over and join as my +1, despite not knowing anyone involved. We have a fun time all weekend. It’s very intense and surreal. Upon heading home, I feel a bit concerned that this event could be seen as an escalation toward commitment with them.

Check in text: “What a whirlwind! I love that you spontaneously were down to come join. My friends loved meeting you. I’m assuming we’ll go back to our usual pace, yeah? Like just video chatting once every few months or so, with no big changes? But of course if you are thinking differently, let me know.”

Result: They share that they also had a fun time, and loved experiencing it with me. They agree that even though it was a lot of intense 1-on-1 time with my closest friends, it feels most natural to just keep doing what we’ve been doing. I’m so relieved that we’re on the same page, and now things feel breezy again.

-

Scenario: I run into a guy I’ve hooked up with before, and he asks what I’m doing later. We agree he’ll come over in a few hours. After a fun night, he has to jet early in the morning. Despite it being consensual and casual sex, I feel a bit of an ache and emptiness after he leaves.

Check in text: “Hey you, that was a fun surprise. I’m definitely up for that happening whenever feels right. I do think I’d need a little less abrupt of an ending after a hook up though, like for us to just have a coffee or breakfast afterward. But yeah otherwise that was fun, and I hope you have a lovely day.”

Result: He apologizes for leaving in such a hurry. He didn’t expect to stay out with me that night, so hadn’t planned accordingly. But he agrees that absolutely we can hang out a bit longer in the morning if we ever do that again. I feel relief and comfort, and the ache goes away.

-

Scenario: I hook up with a guy at a party who I’ve flirted with all night. But then he makes me feel uncomfortable during sex, comments on my body in a way I dislike, and I struggle to sleep peacefully. I don’t really have a desire to ever see or talk to him again.

Check in text with friends: “Omg I just had the worst one night stand. I feel gross and angry at myself for not leaving right away when he insulted my body. Can you please love on me today?”

Result: My friends absolutely understand, and send me so much reassurance and love. Then I go out for solo brunch as an apology to myself. I see another girl walking in for solo brunch, looking rough and exhausted, too. On my way out, I give my card to the waiter to cover both my and her meals, and then head home. This self-aftercare and sense of solidarity with other people completely resets my mood, and I walk home smiling.

-

Those are just a few examples pulled from my personal life. I hope they can show a range of ways that checking in after a hook up can ease tension and clarify expectations.

Sending you so much love, and see you soon!

xx

Morgan