Case Study: Negotiating Several Solutions to a Problem (Patreon)

Good morning, cutie!

Let’s talk today about distinguishing problems from solutions. People often experience a tension or an ache or a desire, and jump to one immediate solution for it. If their partner rejects that idea, it can be seen as a rejection of taking care of them. But the feeling is valid, and there are usually quite a few ways to resolve it. The solution is the part that can be negotiable.

Today I’ll offer some examples that I’ve seen over the years. (All names are changed and identifying attributes obscured.) If you’re struggling with conflict resolution within your relationship, maybe this can be of service to you.

Prompt: Jackson gives their partner a heads up that they will go skateboarding with their friend Paul. Both people are queer and low key attracted to each other, but Jackson’s sure it’s “just” a friend hang. They don’t want to set off jealousy or fear in their partner for no reason, so omit the part about being attracted. But, then they spontaneously kiss Paul and need to surprise their partner with that info after the fact.

Tension: Their partner Jolie is anxious and doesn’t like surprises. She says she would’ve been fine with a kiss if Jackson had called it a date instead of a friend hang. But they’re skeptical about if that’s true, because of her spirals about new dates in the past. Besides, they sincerely didn’t think it was a date.

First Solution: Jackson’s first idea is to create a new agreement that it’s cool to kiss or have sex spontaneously and tell each other afterward. They want relief from the stress of anticipating spontaneity. Jolie says that makes her way too anxious and she’d still rather know before.

Alternate Solution: She proposes that Jackson could pause during the date, and text her a quick heads up. But they feel too awkward interrupting a moment to text her, and they would stress too much about her reaction when they won’t be available for a full conversation.

Alternate Solution: Jackson suggests they both operate from a “maximum possibility” management of expectations. If they’re hanging out with someone who could be either a friend or lover, they’ll say “romance or even sex could happen, or it could stay neutral.” This allows for spontaneity without surprises on the other side. Jolie likes the idea of planning for the most extreme version of what could happen, and then if less happens, it’s not a big deal. They both feel like their needs will be met with that approach.

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Prompt: Caleb goes away on a solo trip, and his nesting partner has her girlfriend over several nights in a row without checking in if that feels OK.

Tension: He feels surprised, a bit scared of the escalation, and annoyed at the lack of communication. But also, he does not want to limit her and feels happy that she is in love.

First Solution: His first idea is to not say anything, because he fears that if he expresses his frustrated feelings, it will be heard as “you can’t do that.” But staying silent will also build a resentment.

Alternate Solution: He considers texting her while her girlfriend is still there, saying he feels scared but happy for her. But because she feels insecure in her first queer relationship, he doesn’t know if that will cause a knee-jerk reaction of kicking her girlfriend out.

Alternate Solution: He ultimately decides to speak with her after her girlfriend leaves, and say that he’s happy she had a nice time but wishes she would’ve handled communication differently. He feels that will better express his sincere happiness about the fact that she’s in love, and then introduce a way to better care for him in the future.

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Prompt: Robert and Joseph are both swinging with Hector and Luis. Joseph and Hector start to fall in love, and want to have polyamory instead of swinging.

Tension: Robert is open to this change, but Luis is scared. He had a rule with Hector of “no falling in love” while swinging, so feels betrayed.

First Solution: Luis wants to close their relationship again until he feels “more ok” with polyamory. But that feels impossible for Hector and Joseph at this point.

Alternate Solution: They all four sit together to discuss the group dynamic. They agree to pause swinging with each other. Hector suggests they start slowly dating with coffee during the day, or walks in the park, so as to not overwhelm Luis. But Joseph finds this awkward, since they’ve already been having sex, and are already falling in love.

Alternate Solution: Joseph suggests they start with dinner dates or other romantic outings, but without sleepovers in the beginning. Hector can keep returning home to Luis after dates, processing things, and demonstrating that Luis is safe. They all feel this is an ok compromise that stretches everyone a bit, and they agree to try it for a month and then check in again. With this month time frame, it feels more manageable for everyone involved, and not like “this is what we’re doing forever.”

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Prompt: Katie wants kitchen table polyamory, and the option to invite all metamours to an event at her home. Her partner Alex is dating Genevieve, who is brand new to non-monogamy. She is not interested in ever knowing about, let alone meeting, Katie.

Tension: Katie feels annoyed that Alex would date a person who wants parallel polyamory, and dislikes that their otherwise friendly KTP dynamic is disrupted. Alex feels annoyed at the pressure to enforce KTP, when that’s not always what feels organic to everyone.

First Solution: Katie suggests that Alex urge Genevieve to try meeting her, and to see that this is all not a big deal. Alex doesn’t like the triangulation of sending messages between partners, or trying to “sell” KTP to someone.

Alternate Solution: Alex asks Katie to please work on detaching from his relationship with Genevieve, and to just accept that KTP can’t be forced. She still feels upset that he would get close to someone who doesn’t want to know her, and realizes there is fear that Genevieve could pull them apart.

Alternate Solution: Alex agrees to give more care to Katie, and to demonstrate that he is not going anywhere. He still loves KTP with everyone else, and agrees to be sensitive to Katie’s fear. With this shift in care, she agrees to let go of the idea of forcing Genevieve to change.

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Prompt: Christine lives with her wife Teresa, and has also been dating Phoebe for 6 years. Phoebe calls Christine her “wife,” as well.

Tension: Phoebe really wants to be her nesting partner and maybe even have kids together. Christine would love to have a big place where all three of them live, but Teresa doesn’t want that, and never wants kids. Phoebe feels resentful that a person she’s not dating is putting limits on what she can build with her wife.

First Solution: Christine’s first idea is to spend 3 days a week at one home and 4 days a week at the other. This way, she can still have 2 nesting partners. It works for a while, but starts to feel a bit exhausting, especially because they live an hour away from each other.

Alternate Solution: Phoebe suggests they all look for a duplex, or 2 apartments in the same building. This way, Christine could have more cohesion in her double-home agreement, and Teresa can still have autonomy away from Phoebe or any potential child rearing. Teresa agrees, but they struggle to find this ideal situation in their city, which currently has a housing crisis.

Alternate Solution: Teresa says they could always move to a city with more abundant housing options, but Phoebe can’t leave her job so easily.

Alternate Solution: Phoebe agrees to search for a home closer to their apartment when her lease is up. She finds a space 5 blocks away from them, which feels as close to a duplex as they can find. Christine also decides to expand her time to 1 week in each home, so she’s not jumping around every 3 days. The walkable distance and neighborly feeling resolves Christine's exhaustion, while still meeting both wives’ needs.

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These are just a few case study examples with varying stakes and approaches to conflict resolution. If you would have handled any of these situations differently, that's totally valid. The focus is more on the back-and-forth process, in order to tailor solutions to the specific people involved.

I hope these can show how negotiations are not a rejection of meeting a person's need, but rather the pursuit of a solution that could meet everyone's needs.

I'd love to know your thoughts!

Have a great weekend,
Morgan