Case Study: Negotiating Date Boundaries While Traveling (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

This week, I'm traveling away from my anchor partner, and visiting some friends on the other side of the world. A few plans are with polyam people who I feel varying levels of attraction to and flirtation with, so there's some ambiguity about the nature of our hangouts. 

Usually, I process each potential date in person with my anchor partner, and offer care plans as needed. However, when I'm not seeing him every day and there's a big time difference, we switched up how communication happens. 

With his consent, I'm sharing these screen shots to demonstrate how boundary renegotiation can happen during short-term changes in routine. I hope it may be of service to you.

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1. Proactive check-in with their feelings

Even though it's not the most fun conversation, proactively starting a check-in to manage expectations is important. It's the only way I've found sustainability in my bounds while still leaving room for spontaneity. 

I encourage the people with the most agency in a situation to be the ones leading the emotional labor here. In this case, I'm the one who can decide how these dates go, so it's on me to ask how partners may be impacted before I do anything.

2. To-the-point clarity

I err on the side of frank and almost clinical descriptions, at first. e.g. "Monday I do this, it may be a date, Tuesday I do that" etc. Until I know how the recipient of the info is feeling, I'm not going to go on about how "I'm so excited to meet her finally, she's so cute and we have so much in common," etc. Of course, my partners do often want to know those things, too. But I let them tell me when they're up for that kind of chat, because it's usually a different tone than a boundary check-in.

3. Pausing to hold space for reactions

When he asked about a person from college who I was going to see somewhat spontaneously, I explained it and then paused to see if he was feeling ok. Since this chat was all via text, I was unsure if his question was just logistical in nature, or more of an emotional reaction. If it was the latter, steamrolling ahead with more info would probably escalate things and lead to an unproductive result. 

Even though it can be tempting to just blurt everything out and get it over with, continuing to read the room and pause as needed can keep the tone on course throughout.

4. Clarifying assumptions

After I laid out my plans, he clarified some assumptions he had (namely, that 2 of my outings with couples weren't romantic or sexual in nature). I confirmed, and reiterated which plans were potential dates. And while I probably won't have sex with everyone (if anyone) new, I confirmed that it's a possibility. 

In the past, I've said sex "wasn't likely" in an effort to avoid setting off jealousy or fear in a partner. But then if I did wind up having sex, it would totally destabilize them and they would ask why I lied. So I learned the hard way to plan for the most extreme possibility up front.

I'm a big fan of making the implicit explicit, and vocalizing any assumptions to minimize confusion. It's a practice that prevents so much conflict.

5. Clarifying needs around communication

He confirmed what info he would need, and when. Usually, I give a clear heads up before I add a new sexual partner. But given the circumstances, we agreed that this chat would count as the heads up for the entire week, and then if I have sex with anyone new, I'll tell him the next day. 

This part of the chat can look a lot of ways. After 8 years of practice with this partner, we usually feel pretty secure and don't have so many emotional needs around new connections. But we still check in every time, just in case one of us is feeling tender or scared that day. It's not about asking permission, but just taking the temperature of the dynamic to see what care may be needed.

As well, this is an opportunity for him to advocate for any time or support he might need. If he was starting a new job on Thursday, or knew that Saturday would be a hard day with his family, he could say, "hey if I need you on X day, could you step out to take a call from me?" We can discuss variables and best practices around heightened need.

I don't have these same check-ins with long distance partners, or with my comets, because we have broader agreements that don't necessitate day-to-day communication. But of course, that's always up for renegotiation, too.

6. Checking in with my feelings

We always start these talks with a check on the more vulnerable person, and end it with a check on the person who initiated the chat. 

It's hard to bring up these conversations, to hold space for partners and to take the risk of being honest up front. That emotional labor should be validated. And it's ok to be feeling shaky afterward, even if you're the one with more privilege or agency. Luckily, I don't feel destabilized much anymore because we have such comfort with each other at this point. But there have definitely been times where I said, "I'm stressed, overwhelmed, scared you might leave me because I'm going on these dates," etc. And I'm grateful when space has been held for those complicated feelings, as well.

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This is just one way that a talk like this can play out. If your experience is less streamlined, less breezy, that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. I still have tough talks with partners, and strong emotional reactions sometimes. It's just information that a need isn't being met, or that an old fear or trauma is being set off. It's actionable information that can guide your care plans.

And of course, if you're finding it to be wholly unproductive to have these talks, there are plenty of peer support options (self included) or couples mediation / therapy that can help explore new approaches to conflict resolution. It takes time. I don't think I've ever met someone who was great at these negotiations on their first few tries. We seek progress, not perfection.

I hope this serves. I welcome your feedback!

Warmly

Morgan