10 Ways to Support Grieving Friends and Partners (Patreon)

This week has me heartbroken and sleepless with the attacks on Ukraine. So, my mind is on how we can support loved ones through grief. I'll share the kinds of things that my Ukrainian friends are asking for, as well as what helped me during severe loss and trauma. If you're unsure how to support someone in your life, maybe this will be helpful.

I'll frame this resource more from an interpersonal, 1-1 approach. However, if you are a person with financial or institutional power, there are always bigger ways to be of service.

1. Distract them

Send memes and funny videos. Scoop them up when they're spiraling, and take them out to see live music or watch a lighthearted movie. Consider what makes them happy, and actively put it in front of them.

2. Actually be available for them

When we don't know how to help, or feel too exhausted by our own lives, it can be easy to get avoidant. But acting on that avoidance when there's a real chance they could need us, it centers our own desires over those of the person in pain.

3. Don't ask them to direct your efforts

The only exception would be if they need financial or material resources. Asking if they have a list of items (or a donation link) can be a beautiful way to demonstrate that you're serious about helping.

Otherwise, let's not put labor on a grieving person by asking them to figure out how we can support them. I always saw the "let me know if there's anything I can do" response naive at best, and sort of lazy or self centered at worst. If you've fallen into this trap, don't stress. It can be tough to know what to say. But I personally think sitting in silence is better than asking them to guide you.

4. Avoid bad-news-porn

We can't commodify tragedy or redistribute bad news just because it's shocking. (That's actually my chief frustration with the True Crime genre.) 

While I have big feelings about what's unfolding this week, it is absolutely not the move to share articles or videos with my Ukrainian friends. They're aware.

I also need to be mindful of what I post publicly on social media, because suffering people could see it. The only time I might share something upsetting is if it contains actionable information to help victims, or if it's a story that my grieving friends posted first. Reposting something that victims want to share is very different than reposting a tragedy just because it's dramatic.

5. Avoid toxic positivity

While lighthearted distractions can be nice, let's be willing to talk about heavy shit if that's what they need. Let's also watch out for empty platitudes like, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger," or upbeat euphemisms like, "they're looking down on you from heaven now." It's pretty dismissive to put a positive spin on someone's pain.

6. Don't minimize the situation

I see this as an off-shoot of toxic positivity. Anytime we feel an urge to say "well it could be worse" or "at least your immediate family is safe," it again dismisses their pain. If they're upset, they're upset. That's valid.

7. Acknowledge how awful it is, especially if you can't relate

Sometimes a grieving person just needs to hear, "that's terrible." In validating their struggle, we help them feel seen. It can also be validating to hear, "I have no idea what that feels like, but I'm here for you."

8. Don't over-relate or change the conversation

In keeping with the above note, don't try to relate to a situation that you've never experienced. For example, my Ukrainian friends are very much in this together, so they find comfort in that solidarity. But me? I've never seen war up close. If I were to imply I understand their situation because I've also had friends die, it would not only potentially minimize their pain, but it would also change the topic of conversation to me. 

In general, I try to let the person in pain decide when we stop talking about them. If I do have a story that could be relevant, I'll ask first if they want to hear it. 

9. Check in multiple times

When it's someone we don't see or talk to every day, it can be easy to check in once and then feel we've done our duty. There's a common expectation that if the struggling person wants more help, they'll reach out. But that's often not the case. It's easy to spiral and isolate when grieving, so it helps to be reminded often that we're not alone.

Unless they explicitly say they don't want contact, let's be proactive and make sure our availability feels ongoing instead of a one-off.

10. Accept all their reactions as valid

It's one thing to know intellectually that grief looks different for everyone. It's another thing entirely to hold space for weird, ugly or surprising reactions.

For example, after I watched my dad die, I burst out laughing. It shocked even me. I'll never forget the way the hospice priest glared at me, as if I was enjoying this nightmare. She was supposed to show up and offer comfort, but my takeaway was that she was unsafe to be around. If at any point you find yourself judging the behavior of a grieving person, you're probably not in a headspace to help them.

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That's what comes to mind for me today, and of course it's filtered through my own perspective and experiences. Feel free to drop in the comments some other ways that you like to be supported in dark moments of life.

Sending love,

Morgan

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P.S. If you share or speak about Ukraine in the coming weeks, be sure you spell the capital as "Kyiv" instead of "Kiev." The former is the Ukrainian spelling, while the latter is the Russian spelling, so that can be seen as a microaggression in favor of Putin.

If you'd like to support on-the-ground efforts, friends of mine are recommending either IRC (which has low overhead and a high rating on Charity Watch, currently focusing their efforts on displaced Ukrainian civilians) or Voices of Children Ukraine (which offers psychological support for young people displaced by the war.) xx