Case Study: How I Use the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

A patron brought it to my attention this week that I've actually never covered the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord here. So, let's talk about it! 

I'm attaching the PDF to this Patreon post, because it's too large to include as an image file. If you're unable to access it, a hi-res version is also available here. 

The Smorgasbord is a response to Relationship Escalator models, wherein each dynamic moves through specific steps that signify importance and commitment. The escalator metaphor carries hierarchical implications, though.

In the Smorgasbord model, you can choose different kinds of commitment with different people, just like you might pick foods from a buffet table. In this metaphor, no type of commitment is seen as more legitimate or "higher" than any other.

Since I practice RA, I'll run through a few of my own selections as an example of how theory can translate to practice. Hopefully that will be helpful!

Romance & Emotional Intimacy
e.g. dating, intimate communication, emotional attraction...
I have romantic fluidity in all of my relationships, including platonic friends or even one night stands. Emotional intimacy, dates, traveling together, etc., are all possible with anyone in my orbit. However, not everyone is a romantic partner, meaning we don't all have consistent romance as a foundation of our connection. For this reason, I don't always owe everyone the same types of disclosure. A cute enby who I smoked with in the park doesn't need or want the same kind of information as my nesting partner, and so on.

Physical Intimacy
e.g. hugging, cuddling, sensual touch...
This is also possible with pretty much anyone that I encounter. They don't need to be a partner. Hell, I don't even need to know their name. The partners of mine who expect disclosure are all fine with learning about non-sex intimacy after it happens, and vice versa. As we've negotiated our boundaries, it wouldn't be considered cheating to kiss a stranger at a club, or to cuddle all night on a first date, and then disclose it after the fact. The only exception would be if my partner knows the person, and that action might directly impact their relationship with them. In that case, they'd want to be included in the conversation around how new intimacy could change group dynamics.

Sexual Intimacy
e.g. laying nude together, toy use, penetration...
When I have sexual contact with someone, they're not automatically a partner. But, it could directly impact the health and trust of my partnerships. So, I have total transparency about how many people I'm active with, what their STI statuses are, and what barrier methods are used. Currently, only my nesting partner wants disclosure before sex happens. If I were to have sex and tell him after, it would be cheating. However, my long distance partner is fine with learning about it afterward, and my comets are fine with learning about it whenever we meet up again. So, each relationship can define cheating in a different way. It's important to be proactive about clarifying those definitions, though.

Domesticity
e.g. shared domestic labor, shared sleeping space, cohabitation...
Currently, I only live with one partner. If we meet other people who would also be great roommate(s), we'd love to add to the home. We've also established a path toward living separately, or splitting time between two homes, if it ever seems like the right move. In this way, we're mindful to not conflate cohabitation with a prescriptive, hierarchical position.

Legal
e.g. business partner, power of attorney, marriage...
I have joint power of attorney with my mother over my brother's health and finances. In practice, I don't really use it. But if anything were to happen to her, I can make legal decisions on his behalf. Beyond that, the only other legal relationship is with my nesting partner. We got married in order to streamline the immigration process into Germany.

Professional
e.g. colleague, co-creator / collaborator...
Almost all of my close platonic friends are in a professional relationship with me right now. We aren't legally bound by contracts, but rather I chose a line of work that lets me make money by collaborating with them. We need to be very clear on what is "friend time" and what is "work time," though. When those distinctions are blurry, a disruption in work can mean a disruption in the friendship, or vice versa. 

Finance
e.g. shared bills, financial support, shared bank accounts...
At the moment, I'm in an 80/20 financial relationship with my nesting partner. I provide most of the money, and in exchange, he provides more physical and domestic labor. I sometimes joke that I'm his sugar mama and he's my service sub, but that's not really the arrangement. We split responsibilities in a way that feels pretty balanced, despite the financial asymmetry.

Kink, Fetish and Power Exchange
e.g. bondage, sadism, masochism, role play...
I'm pausing my own kink partnerships for a bit as I work on sexual trauma. I actually practice self-collaring as a way to feel catharsis and control over my own right to submit. But usually, when I do participate in sensual or sexual kink scenes, it's not with my nesting partner. My LDR and I might try some role play the next time he's in town. But, I'm looking forward to when I'm feeling ready to explore it with locals again. 

Hierarchical Power Exchange
e.g. teacher / student, sponsor / sponsee, team leader / team member...
Some RAs will vehemently claim that an-archy is in opposition to all hier-archy. However, as I understand and practice it, anarchy is opposed to involuntary, coercive or oppressive hierarchies. I absolutely consent to giving my mentor a position of authority over me, and asking her for advice. When I'm working on a group project, I'll follow the direction of the group leader. And when I was in the worst of my eating disorder, I had people literally give me directions for how to go about my day without self harming. The ability to opt in and choose when hierarchical power exchange will benefit us is very different from being forced to submit to an oppressive system.

Systems of Oppression
e.g. privileges or power imbalances relating to class, race, gender, ability, etc...
This is a newer addition to the Smorgasbord, and I'm so glad it's there. How does this get considered in practice? Well, I'm a white, able bodied, cis woman with financial stability. I can't go around assuming people just move through the world as I do, especially if I want them to trust me or feel close to me. 

I got married to a Middle Eastern cis man. He gets more respect as a man when buying a car, and I get treated better as a non-Turkish person in the German legal and immigration system. We have to see each other in those moments, and understand the responsibility we carry. 

I also date a Black man, a Jewish comet, and am flirting with an Iranian non-binary person at the moment. Considering the impact of intersecting systems is vital for these connections to feel safe and loving. For instance, I can't just invite my Jewish comet to Berlin without considering their family history, and how re-traumatizing that could be. When I'm out with a trans Iranian femme, I can't take it personally that they struggle with public affection, considering how dangerous it may be for them to get clocked as queer or trans. And, I definitely can't send the monkey-covering-eyes reaction emoji to a Black partner without thinking if that would be seen as a dehumanizing slur. Even if he knows my intent, it could still remind him of digital hate crimes that he's experienced in the past. These are the types of sobering realities that more privileged people must continue to engage with, otherwise we can cause very real harm. And crucially, we have to remain open to continued education on it. Defensiveness is an easy snap reaction when called out, but staying defensive only centers our own ego. We need to focus on centering the harm caused by our action / inaction, and what restorative measures we can take to make things right.

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This is just a sampling of the main aspects of the Smorgasbord with which I'm currently engaged. I invite you to explore this resource for yourself. It was, fittingly, a collaborative effort by many polyamorous people over several years. I absolutely love the freedom that comes with relationship anarchy. It's not for everyone, but it's perfectly suited to my needs and desires.

I welcome your thoughts and feedback!

With love,
Morgan