Case Study: 3 Times I Thought I Couldn’t Handle My Polyamorous Structure (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Let’s talk today about the "can I do this anymore?" spiral that can happen from time to time. I’ve had several conversations this month with people who are struggling emotionally, experiencing trauma responses, and feeling overwhelmed by changes to their relationship(s). Intellectually, they’re fine with the logic of the changes, but their emotions are a different story.

Of course, no one has to practice any particular structure, even if you know you’re capable of it. Sustainable change often requires emotional labor, perhaps aided by access to therapeutic support, as well as the luxury of time to discuss things with partners. If you’re working 2 jobs and can’t afford therapy right now, maybe it genuinely is a bad time to shake things up. That’s ok. It may bring about conflict, especially if your partner is committed to the change. But we, as individuals, don’t have to participate in anything we don’t want to.

For the folks who do have the time, resources and willingness to evolve their dynamic, this one’s for you.

Today, I’ll share 3 personal stories as case studies for how I moved through changes in my relationships. These were all times I had existential, “I don’t think I can do this” meltdowns. I promise that it’s possible to get to the other side. I hope these examples may be of service.

1. The Softboi Who Avoided Me

In May 2020, I fell hard and fast for a sweet, intense and gentle guy. As the NRE faded though, I got really anxious. He got “busy” suddenly, which I side-eyed. I found myself trying to win back his attention, obsessively checking if he had watched my Instagram stories, hypersensitive to any mentions of his other partner. He’d finally squeeze in a date with me for 1-2 hours before going on a longer date with his other partner. I kept asking if something was up, but he kept saying reassuring words and avoiding the conversation.

This non-negotiated deescalation had me so angry, scared, and confused. I never met his other partner, but felt so much misplaced resentment toward her. “Am I bad at polyamory again?” was a question that crossed my mind more than once. And I don’t even believe in being “bad” or “good” at polyamory.

But no, my polyamory is fine. My ability to feel compersion is still here. I just can't date a habitually avoidant communicator. I had to walk away to feel like myself again.

2. Moving from Hierarchy to Non-Hierarchy

In my first non-monogamous relationship, I clung to the idea of hierarchy and rigid rules in an attempt to feel safer. After a few years, we relaxed a lot of that. I got polyamorous friends and mentors, and felt genuinely more secure. On a group outing with polyam friends, I met my current NP. I told him the deal: “I’m hierarchical, I’m only accelerating and building things with this other person,” etc. He was non-hierarchical but liked me a lot, so said, “let’s try it.”

Well, that blew up in my face. I fell in love with him so fast. I wanted to build things with him, travel with him, maybe live with him (spoiler alert). And I still wanted things like that with my other partner, too. I realized I was capable of interdependence with more than one person, and that I wasn’t hierarchical.

My primary at the time wouldn’t have it. He wanted hierarchy, so we came to the heartbreaking conclusion that I couldn’t see him as often, and someone else would take my place in his life. I really struggled with this change. From the outside looking in, it seemed like I chose one person over the other. A lot of people thought I dumped my primary and got a new one. I called myself a hypocrite, I grieved the deescalation, and felt so unsure if I did the right thing. But, 8 years later, I can confirm that the change was a very necessary one. I am anti-hierarchical in my personal life, and would’ve realized it sooner or later.

3. Grieving When Adding a Metamour
(content warning / death)

My dad had a long and ugly battle with cancer. I was his hospice caregiver in the final days, pouring water into his mouth and changing his diapers. I was a raw nerve, easily overwhelmed by the smallest thing. The electric bill was higher than expected? I had a panic attack. The bag of potatoes went bad before we could cook them? I sobbed uncontrollably.

My nesting partner flew down to support me. It was a short trip, though. He walked in right as my dad died. It was disorienting to witness. I felt dizzy and laughed and then burst into tears. My NP held me until I felt calm enough to walk.

A few weeks later, back in New York, my NP met someone. It wasn’t a big connection, but he thought it’d be cool to see what happens. I got so overwhelmed. Our relationship was one of the few things that felt safe and stable. Everything in me wanted to beg him, “please, not right now.” And also, I would never ask a partner to not date someone. I cried and said I’d need so much extra care around this.

He thought about it, weighed his options, and said, “Y’know what, it’s cool. I’m not that into them, and it seems like more work than reward right now.” I spiraled, thinking I had vetoed them, or somehow manipulated him into doing what I wanted. But he has agency to decide if dating someone new while having a very tender partner at home was something he felt like doing. He decided it wasn’t a good time for him. While that was confusing for me, it was a very important thing to grasp. I'm grateful that his boundaries are strong, and if he really wanted to date that person, he would have.

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Anyway, that’s what comes to mind following my recent chats on the topic. I hope these quick anecdotes may be relatable. I weathered the storm in all three cases, and found stability before long.

If you’re struggling with something similar, I’m here to support you. 1-on-1 chats are available on chillpolyamory.com/services

Hugs and see you next week,
Morgan