On the Moral Neutrality of Vices (Patreon)

Hi there cutie,

Here's the first of two resources for you this weekend. The next will be on Sunday, as normally scheduled. This audio clip unpacks self-shaming thoughts around vices, and the contrived narratives we're fed about some vices making us "bad," while others are productive and therefore "good."

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TRANSCRIPTION

Hi cutie and happy Sunday. this is your bonus resource. Today I was thinking about the moral neutrality of vices. Bear with me here, it gets a little abstract, but I think it can have really practical applications to our day-to-day lives, and our internal monologues about how we behave.

Content Warning: addiction and eating disorders

What do I mean when I say “moral neutrality of vices”? Basically, it’s my opinion, my stance, that theres no inherent goodness or badness to any self regulation tool, any substance or behavior that is self-soothing.

And even the language of calling it a “vice” is inherently saying it’s the opposite of a “virtue”, right? So the language itself has baked in a moral judgment.

It’s not that some vices don’t have worse consequences than others. That could be objectively true. Y’know, eating cake is not the same as using heroin. So there are absolutely different stakes to those vices. And for some people, they need to swear off a substance or behavior forever. That’s how I am with bulimia, that’s how my nesting partner is with alcohol and weed. Like, these are just never going to be self-regulation tools that give more than they take (for us). Y’know? And that’s valid.

So the reason that this is on my mind is because I’ve talked with a lot of people lately, and sort of dealt with it myself as well, that there’s a shaming narrative that goes with using certain behaviors, or using certain substances. I don’t think it’s proper to inherently shame the use of such a thing. Like, I understand shaming the behavior while using, to a degree. If, while you drink, you are an asshole to people, then yeah. Absolutely. Shame would be an appropriate feeling that would hopefully make you steer clear of using that vice as much. You know what I mean? But like, just the nature of drinking, I don’t view as inherently a problem.

That gets me to: unpacking the origins of this idea that some vices are inherently morally wrong.

So, as a practical example, I have and always will have an unhealthy relationship with food. Now, whether I act on it or not fluctuates day-to-day, but I’m grateful to not be binging and purging, or doing the most violent iterations of the eating disorder anymore. But, in food recovery, I was taught that some foods are inherently addictive. And along with that came that alcohol and sex were inherently addictive. So I was terrified. I was terrified of bread and sugar, I was terrified to drink after I left the cult I was in. I waited a year to have sex for the first time, I waited several years to start drinking alcohol. I was convinced that if I participated in using these things, these behaviors at all, it would lead me to death. So, that is, I think, the natural end destination for shaming something like this: “this will destroy your life if you do this.” And that’s why a 21 year old virgin was scared to try a cosmo. I thought I would die. So, it’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous.

But, using that fear of really common place things — like, existing in a bakery, existing in a bar — I was terrified to do those things. And in the cult, it was an effective control mechanism. And so, while most people don’t literally have cult experiences, I think what I take away from that microcosm is how in a macro way, this exists in other, broader systems.

Religious origins, when they’re not absolutist, they can be decent guides. The 10 Commandments in Christianity? Fairly decent guide for how to not be an asshole. But when they are absolutist, when it is black and white and there’s no nuance, it can create really maladaptive obsessions with these things. When something is evil, when it is terrible, well…

1.) if you then engage in it at all, if you even think about your neighbor’s wife and covet her mentally for just a few minutes, it can lead to this obsessive spiral with being a bad person. “What’s wrong? I have failed.” This all-or-nothing, black and white thinking, that there’s somehow not degrees to this. But

2.) it can also drive those desires underground and kind of fan the flames. Like, when bread was demonized to me, I was so controlled by it. I got so obsessed with it. The smell of bread would make me start crying. I very literally thought “I can’t go near that, I’m not safe, I’m in danger.”

It also had me thinking about those Pornhub analytics reports that showed, at least in America, the “Bible Belt” — the most socially conservative parts of America — have the highest rates of consumption of porn. You know, obviously I think porn is great, and I have no intention to shame anybody for watching it. But I think its just interesting that if you’re in an environment that really shames any sexuality, there can be just an uptick in your preoccupation with sexuality. Right? If you can actively engage in it without feeling like a terrible person, then maybe it’s a bit more moderate. Or your hunger ebbs and flows. It’s not just a constant desire for what you can’t have… At least, that’s just my non-scientific hot take on that.

But I think that also speaks to the relativism of the morality of these things, that you don’t feel the same engaging in vices, depending on what environment you’re in, depending on what community you’re a part of, depending on what gets normalized by the people around you.

Beyond the religious origins of these things… I think that’s kind of the obvious, like “oh yeah, religion teaches us shame.” I think there’s so many capitalist origins of these messages.

Look at what coping mechanisms, what outlets, don’t get shamed. Workaholism doesn’t get shamed, exercise addiction, being an adrenaline junkie — these are ways to cope, to vent, to run away from something, to self regulate. And, they do not get shamed. In fact, they often get praised. Because it serves the system.

Vs. Someone who’s sleeping a lot, plays a lot of video games, anything that does not get associated with productivity, with earning money, that does get shamed. And I view all the things I listed as valid ways to blow off steam, or cope with something that’s hard to cope with.

And if somebody, on an individual level, takes any of those vices to a self-harming degree, or harms other people with it, yeah absolutely, that individual might need to assess their relationship with it.

So many people are resting when they’re depressed, they are eating more during winter, like — there’s a lot of non-life-threatening, lower stakes engagement with these vices that people spiral and shame themselves so much for. And I’ll include myself in that. I think it will be an ongoing, maybe lifelong process of uncoupling the relationship with sugar and being a “bad” person. There’s still that voice saying, “this is not giving me nutrients, this is only giving me calories. Therefore, it is not a productive food to eat. Therefore, I shouldn’t be eating it.” Right?

And so, as I continue to unpack the origins of shame — it started with, “I would like to desire sex more, because I know I do want sex, I’m just scared of it.” That therapeutic work has turned into, “why do I feel shame around my relationship with exercise? why do I feel shame around my relationship to rest, and pleasure in any form?” And as I continue to unpack that, and sort of pinpoint the origins of who gave me this, it’s empowering. It’s empowering to start to parse that, and to start to assign my own morals and my own convictions… which is, in my case, incredible moral relativism. I think it’s all relative. I think it always depends. There are always factors that might say something is just or unjust, harmful or not harmful.

Again, if you don’t like the consequences of a vice, or if the risk is way greater than the relief that it offers, that is valid. That’s valid. Reassess your relationship with that thing. Maybe you don’t do that thing anymore. But, if you’re like me, and you have self-shaming thoughts, just inquire further. Who gave me this? Who benefits from me feeling this way? Who makes money off of that?

In the spirit of engaging with self-soothing, I’ve been resting and sleeping a lot after a really emotionally tumultuous few weeks. I am grateful to kind of not feel bad about it. And you all have been so beautiful and helpful in reinforcing that it’s valid to rest. It’s fine, I don’t need to “earn” rest, I don’t need to “deserve” rest. Just rest.

That’s really great, and you’re really great, and I love you. Wishing you all the best as 2022 gets started. See you next week! 

xx