8 Questions to Ask a Busy or Unavailable Partner (Patreon)

Hi there cutie,

A few patrons reached out to me this month about polysaturation, describing the painful reality of their own relationship being on the chopping block when their partner’s schedule is full. So, let’s talk about it.

If it’s a new term for you, polysaturation describes the experience of being at maximum capacity for romantic or sexual relationships. 

However, this can also happen to monogamous people when dating someone who is very busy with work or family commitments, or otherwise physically or emotionally unavailable.

Today, I’ll offer a few conversation starters around this topic. This won’t be wholly comprehensive, nor is my approach the only valid one. But hopefully this can be a jumping off point if you’re feeling scarcity of time or attention in your relationship(s).

1. How many commitments do you currently have, and what are they?
In this question, I use the word “commitments” instead of “partners” because the latter may not offer the whole picture. Professional, familial and even creative commitments can be just as intense and time consuming.

2. What is your average weekly or monthly availability?
This is 100% a time management question. What does their calendar look like?

3. What is the current set of priorities for you?
e.g. Are they building a new business and working 80+ hour weeks right now? Are they focused on kink events more than dating right now? etc.

4. What forms of consistent interaction can we expect with each other?
e.g. Can they can only see you once a month, but can text all day? Can they be your nesting partner, but have work and social events outside the house most days? etc.

5. How might travel and geographical proximity weight the prioritization of our interactions?
If you are a long distance partner traveling to visit them, a last minute cancellation / lack of availability during your stay could have much higher stakes than a local partner. The same can be said for a partner who lives 1 hour drive away, compared to a nesting partner. If you have expectations for how your partner will act with plans that require travel, it’s helpful to discuss that explicitly.

6. How does personality style, neurodivergence or mental health impact your time management?
e.g. Does ADHD create more burst-y and less consistent outreach? Do they struggle with agoraphobia which could flare up before a date? Are they introverts who just prefer to stay in with their nesting partner 5 nights a week? etc.

7. What are some other variables that could disrupt or cancel our plans?
e.g. Are they a parent with limited access to childcare / babysitting? Are they the main caregiver for a chronically ill loved one? etc.

8. What are you currently available to build with me specifically?
I try to focus on the practical and avoid the hypothetical, here. If I ask my partner, “what do you want to build with me?” it could be a much more optimistic, down-the-road answer. Or, they could try to soften the blow if they suspect I want more with them than vice versa. But when I ask about someone’s current availability for me specifically, it helps me better understand what I’m agreeing to today.

Of course, if words don't match actions, or you are hit with unexpected changes to their availability, it may merit a restructuring talk. I’ll link here to the questions I ask when restructuring a relationship.

When we want to be more of a priority than we are, it’s painful. It’s my opinion that it’s ok to take distance, as needed. I’ve been in the position of “settling for what I can get” with a partner before, and no matter how loving our connection was, I felt an emotional drop after every single date. The drop was enough to make me walk away, despite the love being valid. I was able to restructure into a comet relationship with that person later, and we can now stay in each others’ lives because we embraced the type of schedule and expectations that felt sustainable for both of us. That’s the goal of starter questions like these: determining compatibility of schedules and priorities.

I hope this may be of service to you today. I welcome feedback, questions and contributions.

With love,
Morgan