When Kitchen Table Polyamory Goes Wrong (Patreon)

Hi cutie and happy Sunday!

So a few months back, I shared some pitfalls that can happen in Parallel Polyamory, as opposed to Kitchen Table Polyamory. I thought it would be fitting to flip the script today, and explore some reasons you may not want KTP.

If it's a new term for you, KTP is where everyone in the polycule knows each other and hangs out together (e.g. around the kitchen table).

“Is it the most healthy version of polyamory?”

Longtime patrons know I don’t really like diagnostic terms like healthy/unhealthy, unless we’re discussing systems that are inherently oppressive of one or more parties. KTP can be lovely when it unfolds organically, and also, plenty of polycules are happy without it.

Sometimes, the reasons for KTP are logistical, where it's necessary for metamours to interact around physical spaces, event planning, child rearing, etc. Or, maybe it would just feel hurtful to exclude metas from group gatherings, special events or holidays. But sometimes, there's a person within the polycule who's forcing togetherness despite a lack of desire for it.

Let’s discuss that last one.

If partners want to bring together all the people in their life, that's not automatically a problem. But when it feels forced or overrides the expressed needs of someone, several less-than-ideal circumstances can arise from this, which do merit further inquiry.

Steamrolling

Sometimes, a partner has an idealized image of what they want their situation to look like. This can happen in casual encounters (e.g. "I just want all of us to have coffee and laugh together!") or in sexual / romantic encounters, too (e.g. "I've always fantasized about being with both my girlfriends at once! Please, can we make that happen?")

Again, it's not a problem to desire these things. In fact, suppressing a desire out of fear of hard conversations is not something I recommend. It only becomes awkward, or even harmful, when the person gets tunnel vision and doesn't listen to the discomfort of anyone involved, insisting this is how it should be. In this way, people can steamroll their partners, pressuring them to suppress their own needs in order to placate the person they love. 

It has to feel safe for everyone to take up space with their honest reactions, and to not ignore the reality in pursuit of the picture.

Triangulation

This can happen in so many subtle ways, regardless of structure. But often, if there is a person in the polycule trying to force everyone to get along, KTP triangulation can look like someone trying to meddle in others' conflicts in order to "keep the family together". 

Friends and family members step back from each other all the time. Metas can enjoy each other's company for a while, and then also realize they don't anymore. It doesn't mean the polycule is sick or doomed. Conflict happens.

If a conflict doesn't involve someone, it's not really their job to try to get in the middle and encourage resolution. Let people take space, let them have strife, let them hash it out on their own (or not). It's important to keep checking in with the boundaries around what is whose business.

Territorialism

If anyone feels a bit defensive about KTP, or fears it will alter their place in their partner's life, territorialism can sneak in.

Sometimes, it's very overt, which can be easier to recognize (e.g. "This is my house and our relationship, and you are a guest here.") Unpopular opinion? I prefer overt vs. covert territorialism. When people say the quiet part loud, it's easier to call out and (hopefully) unpack together.

When it's covert, it can look like a myriad of subtle jabs and gestures to undermine a meta's confidence in themselves or their relationship. I spoke about my own impulse to covertly throw my weight around when my NP welcomed a meta for a sleepover. I had the idea to "accidentally" leave our love notes around the house for her to see. I didn't act on that impulse, of course. But it's common to respond to fear with... let's say, "creative" ways to maintain our security. And, we must must must talk about those impulses, so we don't actually harm the people in our polycule.

Performance and Self-Forgetting

Sometimes, metas put pressure on themselves to be ok with things they aren't, even if no one else in the polycule is asking for that. It can stem from unprocessed insecurities, or a desire to be seen as "good at polyamory." It can stem from fear of losing their partnership, or being "demoted" into a less prioritized position.

Speaking as someone who spent a good deal of her life performing happiness and "chillness" in an effort to be accepted, this shit is not sustainable.

Our partners, we hope, want us to be genuinely happy. So if we feel insecure or tense, it's important to unpack the reasons why. Ignoring or judging our reactions will not make them go away. In fact, it can make them grow larger, and drive a wedge between ourselves and the people we love.

If we don't feel safe to share those uncomfortable truths with our partner(s) yet, we can seek feedback and support from unbiased third parties. I've definitely been in a position where I needed to ask my partner to respond differently to my emotions (e.g. "just hold space, don't try to fix it!" or "when you hear my emotions as an attack on you, it makes me not want to tell you things") in order to establish an environment that feels safe to express my whole self.

Other times, our partners and metas would be absolutely mortified to hear we've been pretending. If there is legitimately zero outside pressure to perform, it might merit internal inquiry about family of origin, or maybe past abusive relationships, where we developed this maladaptive coping mechanism. 

“What’s reasonable to ask of a KTP polycule?”

It depends. If you're the hinge and KTP is your dream, just be sure you're open to it looking however it will look. Maybe some partners are chill with the prospect, but not the way you've suggested it should happen. They do have the right to say no, and counter with a separate scenario. Or, if one or more people feel like they're not ready, that needs to be ok, too. 

If you're a person who is nervously entering a KTP dynamic, just hold space for yourself to react however you will. If you don't enjoy it, that's just information. It doesn't mean you're "bad" at this, and it doesn't even necessarily mean that anyone has done something wrong. People don't vibe sometimes, and that's ok.

There’s no one-size-fits-all definition of “reasonable”. Just observe your reactions without judgment, and talk about it.

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I hope this is helpful! If you're navigating an uncomfortable situation in a KTP polycule, let me know and I'll be happy to chat with you about tailor-made solutions.

With love,
Morgan