Case Study: Some Ask, Some Tell (Patreon)

Good morning cutie,

As most of you know, I'm not a fan of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies because of their low sustainability long-term. In my experience, fears and insecurities aren't soothed by total avoidance, and can actually be exacerbated. 

But, I don't see this as a binary issue. 

Today, I'll offer a personal story to illustrate the nuance needed in conversations around what we know, and what we choose to not know. I hope it can be of service if you're navigating similar conversations.

1. Name the insecurity

I'm currently in the midst of trauma recovery work around sexuality, and feeling a lot of personal volatility around my own relationship to sex. For this reason, despite clubs reopening here in Berlin (a very sex positive city with an active kink community), I don't feel a desire to explore the scene. I feel much more secure with 1-on-1 dynamics in private spaces.

And, it can be easy to feel insecure about that, especially when everyone I date is very active in clubs. I noticed a feeling of envy the other day, and was like, "am I jealous they're hooking up with other people?" Hmm, no. That feels chill. "Ok, am I comparing myself to their other partners'?" Hmm, maybe a little bit. I do wish I felt more liberated. "Do I just wish I didn't have these intense feelings of fear around sex?" Absolutely.

This self exploration around the fear is so important. It's easy to notice fear, jealousy or envy, and just get reactive. 10 years ago, I might have gotten angry at my partners and not known why. But to get really granular while exploring the origin of the insecurity is to get one step closer to resolving it.

2. Name the stressor and/or stimulus

So, what specifically sets off this fear?

For me, I notice a lot of self-loathing feelings when a partner shares a fun story about a sexually liberated atmosphere. One person I date said they met someone on a beach, and started kissing them spontaneously, along with my meta. Another time, my nesting partner returned home from a club and described the decor in one of the dungeon rooms. Both times, I felt self doubt and shame.

Currently, my only boundary around such conversations is just "no omission, but no graphic sexual descriptions." (This, in and of itself, is a "Some Ask, Some Tell" [SAST] boundary.) Neither of these instances crossed that bound, soooo why did I feel nauseous?

The existence of a reaction doesn't automatically mean my partners did something wrong. It's just information that can help guide all of us to find more specific boundaries moving forward.

3. Unpack and process

I feel safe unpacking these feelings directly with my partners. Years ago, I would bring it to my mentors and therapist first, before broaching it with a partner. Neither way is better than the other, it's just a matter of which environment currently feels the most safe to say everything.

4. What aspects of the stressor/stimulus aren't necessary to engage with right now?

The "right now" is key. I don't want to ask my partners to censor their fun stories forever. And, I'm currently vulnerable around this insecurity, so it's reasonable to ask for temporary care around it.

I remember right after my dad died, I asked friends if they could avoid talking about their dads with me for a while. It helped me in my healing process to not be confronted all the time with reminders of my pain. And, after a while, I didn't need that anymore. In this way, SAST is already pretty common in other relationships in our lives, we just don't use this terminology for it.

So, what would I like to not know right now? In short, I don't want mental images of sexually liberated spaces. So, it's fine to say, "hey I made out with someone on the beach," but I'd rather not hear what music was playing or what they were wearing. It's fine to say "oh the dungeon was beautiful," but I'd rather not hear about the types of leather, or the color of the walls. Apparently, my self doubt only comes into play when I can visualize the specifics, and then feel left out / inadequate that I'm not there.

This felt very, very empowering to parse. Because I don't want my partners to feel like they can't share about their day. But I also don't want to spiral when they do. Again, it doesn't have to be a binary choice of all-or-nothing. 

5. Is this a vulnerable request for care, or a desire to exert control?

I usually run my boundary requests through this filter. The former is marked by openness for negotiation, the latter by harshness and ultimatums. I hope it goes without saying that the former is the goal.

6. Is this request sustainable for the other person(s)?

That's for them to say. Each situation is unique. But in general, we need to be open to hearing about potential consequences of what we ask. Our partners might feel uncomfortable with it, which means the negotiation isn't over yet. The main goal in pursuing a sustainable solution for everyone is to prevent resentments down the road.

In my case, my partners each said a version of: "sure, that's cool, as long as I'm not hiding entire sexual interactions from you." My request wasn't too much of a lift for them, so we agreed to these new bounds around SAST.

7. How will I continue working on my insecurity so I'm not avoiding stressors forever?

This is a major difference between DADT and SAST. When we avoid knowing anything about the existence of metamours, we're completely shutting out the work required for long-term, enjoyable polyamory. While it can offer some short-term relief, I've only ever seen it drive a wedge between partners long-term, as they increasingly feel like they lead a double life.

With SAST, we're still engaging with big-picture information about the existence of metas, the existence of sex and love outside our relationship. But, we're being tender with ourselves around specific pain points, and just altering the way we engage with that information.

Critically, this is a prompt to keep working on ourselves. I continue bi-monthly therapy on my trauma, as well as slow exposure therapy to trauma triggers with trusted partners in controlled sexual environments. I honor my own personal milestones of being able to stay present during most of sex (where I used to dissociate completely), and speak up when I want to stop something (where I used to just shut down and tolerate it). Those are my personal victories, and I can't compare myself to a meta or a partner who doesn't struggle with those things. The only person we can compare ourselves to is who we were yesterday.

The ball remains in my court to update my partners if and when I notice reduced sensitivity around this topic. I'm grateful for their ability to take care of me, as well as my own ability to not blame or attack them. We are teammates, and we want the same outcome. 

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I hope this might be a helpful example today. If you're struggling with navigating the bounds of your own SAST agreement, I'll be happy to chat with you. As always, my 1-on-1 chats are available on chillpolyamory.com/services 

I hope you have a beautiful week.

Warmly,
Morgan