10 Questions to Ask Before Restructuring Your Relationship (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

I've chatted with a few folks this month about relationship restructuring, and figured it might be worthwhile to make a larger post about it.

One of my favorite parts of polyamory is the multitude of ways we can embed people in our lives, without treating it like a binary "dating / not dating" choice. Sometimes, one relationship structure no longer serves us, but we don't want to stop knowing each other altogether. That's when restructuring negotiations come in.

For me, I consider the following questions for myself before prompting a negotiation with my partner about a change in dynamic. I hope it may be of service to you.

1. What factors (if any) outside of the dynamic are encouraging restructuring?
e.g. Geographic relocation, starting to coparent with someone else, starting a new job that demands more of you than before, realizing you might just want solo polyam, etc.

2. What factors (if any) inside the dynamic are encouraging restructuring?
e.g. A desire for more interdependence with this person (if you're wanting to shift into more commitment) or an inability for one of you to meet the other's needs (if you're wanting to shift into less commitment), etc.

3. What amount of time and frequency would feel sustainable moving forward?

4. What parts of the current dynamic do I hope to preserve?
e.g. Am I still hoping to have the same amount of time with other partners? Am I hoping we can still travel together, have intimate date nights, text each other memes, etc.?

5. What parts of the current dynamic no longer serve one or more of us?
e.g. Do I no longer want to go days or weeks in between interactions? Do I no longer want to interact every day? Would it be better to not have kitchen table polyam and opt for parallel instead? etc.

6. What kinds of interactions might feel affirming moving forward?
i.e. In what situations do things feel relaxed and comfortable with them? What ways can we interact that would reinforce and validate this new kind of structure?

7. What might we need to stop doing together to avoid confusion?
e.g. Would it be confusing to join them at family events if we move from hierarchy to non-hierarchy? Would it be confusing to have equal time with other partners if we shift from non-hierarchy into hierarchy? Would it be confusing to still have date nights if we agree to go from romantic partners to friends with benefits? etc.

8. What kinds of terms or labels (if any) might feel fitting moving forward?
While I do see labels as incomplete or flawed in most cases, sometimes choosing one can set the tone and framework for what we expect from each other moving forward. It can also be a shorthand way to describe your dynamic to other people.

9. Do any barriers stand in the way of addressing this renegotiation?
e.g. Am I scared they'll leave me? Do I feel unsafe sharing hard truths with them? Do I trust they'll show up for the chat in a productive way? Do I need help to overcome my own avoidance? etc.

10. Who in my support network do I feel safe asking for insight on this?

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This is not comprehensive, of course, and each dynamic may merit some unique and tailored questions between partners.

Sometimes, the answer to one or more of these questions may be hurtful for a partner to hear, especially if phrased indelicately. That doesn't mean we automatically avoid saying it. Rather, that's where our support network can step in to help us make those choices. With help from trusted friends and mentors, we can shape our approach in a way that minimizes harm, and maximizes the chances that we're heard the way we intend.

I do hope this can serve as a jumping off point for you if you're wanting to change dynamics but feel unsure where to even begin.

With love,
Morgan