Exercise: Fearful Response Check-In (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

I hope you are resting and loving on yourself this weekend!

Today, by request, I'm exploring a bit more on the topic of fear responses. I've designed this quick check in as a way to prompt internal questions and (hopefully) productive discourse with one or more of the people in your life.

This is not intended to be diagnostic nor comprehensive, as I'm not in a position to offer either of those things. But rather, I hope it can be a conversation starter to explore the reactions in your life.

Fearful Response Check In

True or False:

• My internal dialogue is jumping to conclusions about the meaning of someone's tone, facial expression, action or inaction.
• My brain is using the current situation to prove my preexisting fears are, in fact, valid.
• My brain is using the current situation to justify cruel criticism.
• I'm being reminded of people or events that caused harm in the past.
• I'm feeling a bit like a young child or a teenager in this situation.
• I'm feeling the urge to protect myself right now.
• I'm feeling a sudden need to make dramatic changes.
• I find myself imagining a harsh, unkind, even hopeless outcome.

Solutions to Fearful Responses Check In

True or False:

• I don't feel confident that the person(s) I'm with can take care of me in this.
• I don't feel confident that the person(s) I'm with can be trusted to follow through on agreements.
• I don't feel safe in conversations with my partner about this topic.
• I don't feel safe in conversations with anyone about this topic.
• I don't have any past examples of healing from similar things.
• I'm struggling to maintain my nutrition, sleep, mental healthcare and friendships.
• I'm struggling to remember a time I didn't feel this way.
• I don't feel satisfied with my current support system.

If you answered "True" to any of these statements, it may merit further exploration. Primarily, we want to examine the origins of fears before proposing solutions. 

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I'll offer an example, to illustrate: Just last night, I was attending a friend's party in Paris and felt overwhelmed by how few people I knew, and the language barrier of not speaking French. I panicked, wanted to leave, wanted to cry, was certain my 2 English-speaking friends regretted inviting me, that these stylish French women were judging me, and in general just feeling hopeless like, "why did I travel all the way here just to feel 12 years old and terrified?!" The urge to get back on a train home that very moment was intense.

That's when I needed to step away and assess. I hadn't slept well and hadn't eaten enough, so that was part of it. I got a snack and called my nesting partner. He held space for my anxiety and walked me through the reality of the situation, and how it differed from hurtful childhood experiences of social alienation. Together, we anchored my brain in the present day by going through more recent examples where I overcame this social terror. We pushed back on the bully in my brain that was conflating past with present.

Through unpacking the initial fear response, we determined it wasn't that I couldn't trust them, or that anyone was actually harming me, but just that in general I struggle with unstructured social situations. This is why it's so important to assess the origins of the fear, because if I had actually been unsafe, the reaction to run away would have been more reasonable.

So, I made a plan to go back to the party, create structure for myself, and do one focused thing at a time: 1.) Go get a beverage. 2.) Find a person who I've heard nice things about, ask if they are willing to speak English, and then ask them about themselves. 3.) Find my American friend and ask if they need help organizing the event's give-away. And so on. Within an hour of practicing this gentle, focused structure, I started to relax and even had some spontaneity with strangers there.

Pausing mid-reaction is so helpful, but what we do with that pause is also very important.
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Anyway that's what comes to mind this week when considering fear responses! I hope this is helpful. I'm sending you love, and I welcome your feedback.
xx

Morgan