How to navigate criticism from family members (Patreon)

Happy Sunday, cutie! 

A warm welcome to new community members Michelle, Liz, Laura, Ash, Autumn, Erika, Ren, Makensie, Shelby, Cherish, Aquila, Felicia, Rebekah and Giana. I'm so grateful for your support, and hope I can return the favor through my work here.

So. If you're anything like me, speaking with family members can be... exhausting. Interacting with extended (or estranged) family can refresh a lot of old pains, especially during a vulnerable time like the holiday season. Not everyone has the desire or ability to completely cut ties, though. 

My heart goes out to anyone who was misgendered, deadnamed, or shamed for your orientation or lifestyle this week. Maybe the experience wasn't so blatantly disrespectful, but rather just peppered with manipulation or passive aggression. It's valid to be exhausted by the quieter patterns, too.

That's why today, I've drafted up 6 tools that help me navigate criticism from family members. Hopefully, it can be of service to you.

1. Pause & assess the history of the dynamic.

Where are you at with this person? What might their full motivation be?
e.g. Does the parent criticizing your child-free life also really want grandkids? Does the cousin shaming your sex positivity also have sexual trauma? Maybe there’s unresolved conflict that’s coming out sideways, or they’re just not taking their mental health medication.

These are just a few examples. The point is that it’s easy to focus on hurtful words, especially when they come from people who really know our buttons. But before you absorb them too deeply, zoom out to consider all the factors at play. Some of it might have nothing to do with you.

2. What is their own history with this topic?

Are they experienced in a way that yields wisdom?
e.g. If this person is a successful entrepreneur, and they're mocking your business plan, maybe there is still truth to be gleaned from it. We can ask that they alter the way they speak to us, and also thank them for pointing out areas of improvement.

Or, are they experienced in a way that yields ignorance?
e.g. Maybe their religion helped save them from addiction, which is great. But, with it came some regressive attitudes about sex and gender. To internalize the notion that part of their religious views are wrong could shake the foundation on which their stability is built, therefore they may refuse to even hear where you're coming from, let alone internalize your needs.

Their ignorance is not your fault, and it's not your job to fix it. We can absolutely still advocate for ourselves, and set boundaries for how we're treated. And, it's important to not take it too personally, either. Sometimes we're just unlucky enough to become a symbol of some perceived threat to their safety.

3. How does the criticism feel in your body?

Check in with your body, because it's an extraordinary communicator. What is the physical reaction you're experiencing? Is there an elevated heart rate, a burning sensation under the skin, a sinking pain in the abdomen?

What do these reactions usually mean for you? Is it a sign that you're building to a panic attack? Does it mean you're starting to dissociate or shut down? 

Depending on what you discover, that can help point you in a direction of self care to deescalate. This is especially helpful to do before responding to the person.

4. What does the criticism do to your self-dialogue?

Does it start a productive line of internal questioning? If yes, then it was probably constructive in some way. This can also be a sign that, despite any flawed delivery method on their part, you've gained strength to see past it to the underlying helpful message.

Or, do you start bullying, hiding and punishing yourself? If yes, then this is a cue to reach out to a validating person. When our brain turns on us, it's so much harder to reverse it without external help. (Now, I’m not advocating to hide from uncomfortable truths by running to agreeable people. Rather, seek out people who share your values, and who you trust to speak up when you misstep.)

This is also a good opportunity to continue processing any preexisting insecurities that were inflamed by the criticism.

5. What does the criticism do to your grasp of reality?

Do you feel grounded and seen clearly? If yes, then it’s probably helpful (even if it doesn't feel fun).

Or, do you get foggy, dissociative, maybe even start questioning what’s real? This is a big red flag that you’re likely being manipulated. Check in with trusted friends and mentors.

6. Do you want what they have?

Set their words aside for a second, and look at their life. Do you admire how they act? Does this area of their life seem joyous, liberated and full? Because that is an indicator of how much weight you should give their criticism right now. 

It’s not that critique has to come from perfect people. But, a lot of folks are skilled at arguing their ideas with convincing language, or re-framing our perspective to suit their agenda. That’s why I find it so grounding to step back and look past their words, to instead review their actions. 

I'll ask it again: do you want what they have? Because if you wouldn't take their advice, maybe you shouldn't take their criticism, either.

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I love you so much, and I hope this is helpful for you today. I welcome your comments, feedback and requests for topics.

Warmly
Morgan