Exercise: Toxic Positivity Check-In (Patreon)

Hi cutie!

A warm welcome to all the new community members! A lot of Patrons had to scale back or leave this platform in 2020, but because of you, Patreon continues to pay my bills, and I'm so, so grateful. I return that love by putting as much energy as possible into resources for you!

By request, we're looking at Toxic Positivity today. Normally, I'm not a huge fan of "toxic" as a descriptor, because it can over-simplify things that aren't always so binary. But the term Toxic Positivity (not unlike Toxic Masculinity or Toxic Monogamy) describes a problematic approach to a situation that is otherwise not inherently harmful.

Toxic Positivity is a kind of forceful and ineffective optimism that blocks out painful emotions, and minimizes / invalidates / erases painful experiences.

I'll let psychologist Dr. Natalie Dattilo elaborate: “While cultivating a positive mind-set is a powerful coping mechanism, toxic positivity stems from the idea that the best or only way to cope with a bad situation is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative. It results from our tendency to undervalue negative emotional experiences and overvalue positive ones.” ( See this IGTV for a separate rant on the subjectivity in labeling emotions "good" or "bad". )

I've designed the following exercise to see if you (or someone close to you) may be engaging in counter-productive positivity. (And my standard disclaimer around these kinds of resources: I am not a medical or psychiatric professional, and this isn't intended to be diagnostic. Rather, this is a framework around which you can explore your own feelings, and better understand your own patterns.)

Toxic Positivity Check-In

Rate how true these statements feel, on a scale of 1 to 5:

(1 being Totally False, 5 being Totally True)

• I am in touch with, and don't fear my own anger.
• I am in touch with, and don't fear my own sadness.
• I can voice distress without censoring or tone-policing myself.
• I can voice distress without apologizing for it.
• I can share uncomfortable feelings with people who take them seriously.
• I accept that I'm allowed to have a hard day, week, month or year.
• I don't fear taking up space when I'm unhappy.
• I push back on people who try to suppress my unhappy feelings.
• I think it's reasonable to be upset, even if there's plenty to be grateful for.
• I think it's reasonable to be upset, even if it was a "small" experience, or some people have it worse.
• I don't claim to love myself / my body / my work when I'm experiencing the opposite.
• I don't claim "it will all be ok" or "everything happens for a reason" when I don't believe it.
• I can hear other people struggle without absorbing their emotions.
• I can hear other people struggle without trying to fix it.
• I let situations unfold how they will, never forcing a happy outcome.
• If a painful outcome is happening, I acknowledge it head-on.
• My identity isn't tied to being "upbeat" or "always smiling."
• I trust I can achieve my goals, regardless of how I feel.
• I trust my loved ones won't leave, regardless of how I feel.
• I don't perform happiness.

Those (20) statements will yield you a score of 20-100. Your relationship with the idea of Positivity may be...

20-30: Dysfunctional

31-50: Somewhat Dysfunctional

51-60: In Need of Examination

61-80: Somewhat Balanced

80-100: Balanced

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How do we avoid these counter-productive Positivity traps? Well, as with most things, I recommend starting with therapy. The fear of (or stunted inability to) be openly sad, angry, fearful, doubtful, or otherwise "a bummer" with people sometimes has roots in our significant relationships. Maybe your early attempts to seek comfort were met with "get over it" or "other people have it worse," etc. It's easy to internalize those messages, and then repeat them to ourselves as adults. But they can be unlearned (speaking from experience!)

Beyond unpacking these patterns with a professional, it helps to watch the kind of language we use. Instead of "it'll be fine", we can ask "what would make you feel safer?" Instead of "think happy thoughts to manifest a better life" we can say, "it's such a tough time right now. What can I do to alleviate the stress?" Platitudes are often frustratingly ineffective. Even with good intentions, they can have the impact of rejecting the person's experience. Real support looks like validation and tangible action.

In general, when we respond to discomfort (whether our own or other people's) with questions about how it could improve, then we can move toward solutions without dismissing the feelings of the person in pain. And the more we offer this compassion to ourselves, the easier it is to give to the people around us.

I hope this serves, and I welcome your feedback.

With love,

Morgan