5 Questions to Ask When Changing Your Relationship (Patreon)

Hi cutie!

Question: Does your relationship look like it's changing? 

Maybe there's escalation into living together, meeting their family, or even planning a wedding. Maybe there's deescalation, where you're taking a step back and giving energy to other areas of your life. Either way, change can be stressful. It doesn't matter if people around us call it "good" or "bad" change, the nervous system still responds, either way.

Today I've outlined 5 key questions that help me take stock and stabilize during these changes. I've included examples, to illustrate. Maybe this will be of service to you, too.

1. What brings us to this change?

e.g. A big reason I moved in with my NP was financial. New York ain't cheap. But, to our friends and family, it looked like I "chose" him over other people. But not all partners will make great roommates. Choosing a roommate is not the same as elevating them in a hierarchy. It can indicate prioritization, but they're not synonymous. It's important to not absorb other people's projections, but rather explore our reasoning for ourselves.

2. What implications do I imagine this change carries? And does my partner agree?

e.g. Longtime patrons will remember the time a partner brought me home to meet his family for Thanksgiving. I saw this as an escalation of our commitment to each other. But, he didn't grow up celebrating Thanksgiving, so it really wasn't a big deal to him. I learned the hard way to challenge my own assumptions, and to remember that not all changes mean you're taking a "step" somewhere.

3. What do I hope to gain from this?

e.g. "Am I stepping back from a partner so I can regroup and reconnect with myself? Or am I doing it to punish them? Maybe to feel a sense of power and control in our dynamic?" (Also, those 2 examples aren't mutually exclusive.) Basically, we gotta analyze our true motivations, and be brutally honest with ourselves.

4. What do I fear I'll lose?

e.g. "If I go on this trip with my new partner, what if it goes terribly and we break up? What if they see my worst traits and get disgusted by me?" Usually, the fear is more melodramatic than the reality. But we should still say those fears, if for no other reason than to take the power out of them.

5. Does this impact our core relationship philosophy?

e.g. I married my NP for visa-related reasons, but, it did beg the questions: "why did I only pursue a visa with that one person? We said we're still non-hierarchical, but does this mean we're hierarchical after all? Or has our definition of hierarchy evolved?"

(If you're one of my monogamous patrons, this could look like, "I think I do want to have kids now, but I still don't want to get married. Am I on the same page with my partner on what 'building a family' looks like?")

There aren't really wrong answers to any of these questions. It's more about prompting self reflection, and staying in touch with our ever-evolving needs and desires. We have to be clear on these if we're going to properly manage the expectations of ourselves and others.

With love
Morgan