Case Study: Setting Boundaries in New Relationships (Patreon)

Hi cutie,

Today, I'm offering you a look behind the curtain. Here is a sequence of texts between me and a new partner (view in browser or on Patreon app to see images). It's a case study of how to navigate new boundaries in a young relationship. It might merit further explanation, so I'll break down the basic steps below.

1. Express vulnerability

I was feeling vulnerable and uncertain, so I said that. They were saying "I'm not available on Friday" and I was curious if that meant they're on a date with someone else. 

Vagueness makes me bug out a bit. It wasn't a paralyzing fear, so I clarified that it's a low stakes concern. (We can and should say our needs when they're low stakes. That's how they get nipped in the bud before growing into something more intense.) I also clarified the tone to minimize misunderstandings.

Owning vulnerability goes a LONG way, rather than blaming a partner's actions. e.g. "Event happened, so my brain does X", etc. Rather than "You're making me X!" — Owning our reactions can make for a much smoother conversation.

2. Propose a New Practice / Boundary

It can be helpful to offer a solution, and leave it open-ended. In my case, "Would you be willing to volunteer that [you're on a date]?" (If you saw my video 10 Phrases To Express Our Needs Effectively, you'll see that's one of my go-to ways to frame a question.)

Because maybe our first idea isn't the right one, and it's important to stay receptive to that. Give them the chance to say no, to counter with an alternative. But by offering the first suggestion, we keep the conversation solution-oriented.

3. Clarify Terminology

This is CRUCIAL, my cuties. And it's easy to overlook. We realized that we use 2 different definitions of the word "partner". I use it very freely, while they only assign it to longer term commitments. We parsed out which words mean what, to be sure we're on the same page.

4. Hear Their Concerns

This can be the hardest part in a convo like this, because if we feel scared we want them to take care of us. But if we want to be heard, we also need to hear them.

Do they react to our idea? If yes, how and why? Is there a middle ground solution that might suit both of our needs? At the very least, remaining calm and letting them push back on our requests will signal to them that it's safe to tell us hard truths. It's safe to be 100% honest with us.

5. Clarify the Proposition

It may be necessary to explain in more detail what we're asking for. Offering an example of how the proposed boundary might play out IRL can help.

6. Troubleshoot & Compromise

In this instance, my partner said, "let's try it out." Sometimes, partners push back or offer alternatives. Either way, it can help to treat new bounds as an experiment. Try it, then check in later to see if it's working out.

Now, not all boundaries are created equal, and sometimes a hard boundary is important to insist upon. "You have to tell me about your STI status and safer sex practices," for example, would not be an experiment. That wouldn't be up for negotiation. But in my example above, when it comes to Best Practices around communication, we're entering a new trial phase.

7. Be Mindful of Their Time & Needs

I was texting this partner in the middle of their work day, in between business meetings. They were gracious and caring to give me their time, but if they said "I need to text you in 5 hours," I would have compartmentalized and respected that. We have to come correct if we're asking them to take care of us.

When they did agree to chat in real time, I worked to respect that by being as succinct as possible. I then dipped out of the conversation as soon as we found a solution. 

When we offer the same respect and consideration that we hope to receive, we're giving them  the tools to take care of us.

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Please keep these screenshots to Patreon only. They were shared with consent by my partner for the purposes of paywall content only. I ask that you respect that by not sharing them beyond this platform. Thank youuu!

With love,
Morgan