Review 2 of 2: "Altered States: Love Without Limits" (BBC) (Patreon)

The following contains spoilers for Louis Theroux's one hour special, "Altered States: Love Without Limits" (BBC + BBC Two, 2018).

Last week, we focused on how this series addresses poly parenting.

PART TWO of this review focuses on younger throuples and V-shaped relationships. (Two people who date the same hinge partner, but don't necessarily date each other.) 

Cooking breakfast, we meet Matthias, Joelle, and 5-months-pregnant AJ. Matthias and AJ are together 4 years; Matthias and Joelle are together 7 months. They all have additional partners, as well. 

Theroux: "So how do you all inter-relate?"

AJ: "We like the word 'family' — intentional family or chosen family."

While they’re not hierarchical, they do acknowledge that a disproportionate amount of AJ and Matthias' time needs to go to the baby soon. I appreciate how this discussion is about reallocation of resources (like for the birth of a child). They don't equate disproportionality with romantic hierarchy.

Theroux: "Would you say that polyamory is not for everybody?"

Of course. If poly isn't for you, it isn't for you, and you’re entitled to that. But it's important to ask ourselves if that conclusion is rooted in self knowledge, or if it's based on fear or past abuse.

AJ: "I was married in poly for 10 years." It was abusive.

Polyamory wasn't the problem, but being with someone who's not seriously polyamorous was the problem. (Basically, one of her metamours struggled with poly and gave AJ's husband an ultimatum to leave her, which he ultimately did.) Heartbreaking. She said it really damaged her ability to trust a partner, which, of course it did!

The good news is that we see her today in a happy poly dynamic. The people involved will make-or-break a relationship, regardless of the style.

Now we meet Amanda, Nick and Bob, who are living together for 3 years. 

Theroux: "If it's not intrusive... who goes where?"

He means in bed. Literally, 'what is the bed arrangement?' I get it, because mono people can get confused about poly sleeping situations. But it seems excessive to ask them to get into bed and re-create it. 

Nick: "We used to try to have threesomes every time, because that's what we thought we were 'supposed' to be doing." YES. This is another real (and under-represented) truth about triads. 

Triads don't always have threesomes. Media representation is always about equal time and equal play with all three, always. But sex drives are different. Two might feel frisky when the third is exhausted. Two might share a kink that the third doesn't. On and on.

Two-some sex among throuples is common. As long as everyone talks about fears/insecurities, it doesn't have to be a big deal.

Our partners can not fix us. Amanda affirms the benefit of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. She benefits from poly's extra emotional support, and in turn, her relationships benefit from her own self care and medication. 

Our partners aren't the source of our healing, they're the beneficiaries. That's a great truth to broadcast, regardless of relationship style. 

I'm really happy they touch on mental health. (Well, I'm grateful any time mental health is normalized in the media.) The communal support we get from polycules, and the freedom to seek comfort from multiple places, are both factors in my own healing, as well. It's a social service to share this aspect of non-monogamy.

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TLDR of Review Part II: Love Without Limits' representation of throuples gets an A. It’s lovely to see such complex circumstances discussed with ease, transparency and self awareness.