Review 1 of 2: "Altered States: Love Without Limits" (BBC) (Patreon)

The following contains spoilers for Louis Theroux's one hour special, "Altered States: Love Without Limits" (BBC + BBC Two, 2018).

I gotta make this review a two-parter. There's just so much to unpack.

Louis Theroux is our monogamous tour guide for a (presumably) mostly monogamous audience, as we meet three different polycules. I can see merit in his presence, but my main question is, "Can this monogamous guy accurately tell stories about poly people?"

Yes and no.

PART ONE of this review focuses on a U-shaped polycule who co-parent 3 kids together. Joe + Gretchen (married with 2 kids), Heide + Jerry (married with 1 kid), and Joe + Heide (partners).

Theroux: “Is polyamory appropriate to talk about in front of [your child]?”

Yes. Discussing relationship structures is pretty basic stuff. (Is monogamy appropriate to talk about in front of your child?) 

Heide explains poly to her daughter like this: “You know how you go over to your friend's house and have a sleepover? That’s fun, right? Well in our family, the grownups have sleepovers, too.” Pretty simple. And when she's older, they'll tell her more, just like any other discussion about love or sex.

Thank you, Heide, for normalizing poly parenting!

Parenting is actually what brought them to polyamory. Through postpartum depression support groups, Heide found and fell in love with Joe. She brought it to Jerry right away, which wasn't easy, and they don't sugar coat that.

Jerry felt a lot of fear and anxiety. He saw it as rejection, at first. But they kept talking, and he came to understand that her attraction to Joe doesn't mean she loves him less, it's just another form of nurturing that enhances her life. So he agreed, and soon he started to enjoy poly, too.

Theroux seems to think that initial turbulence = secret unhappiness forever. He politely listens to them, but remains skeptical about their happiness, which is exactly what I thought would happen with a monogamous host, and it's annoying.

Theroux: "Why aren't you enough for each other?" and "Isn't polyamory just 'slow divorce'?"

WOOF. The ignorance and prejudice baked into these questions, man...

Gretchen (Joe's wife) is a mufuggin BOSS. Love this lady. She's smart, direct, and frankly says exactly what I would say in this situation.

“'Why aren’t we enough for each other' is a horrible sentence," she pushes back. "That puts the onus of my entire happiness on [Joe].” And polyamory is actually helping the marriage, not hurting it.

"[Heide and Joe] are much more compatible sexually than [Joe and I] are. ... We still have sex, not as often as he would like, and more often than I would like. ... But then Heide comes over, and she takes a big part of that stress off of the relationship. And when she goes home, he gives me a hug, and is so grateful to me because he’s feeling very fulfilled. ... She is also the kindest person. I couldn’t ask for a better co-parent and friend than Heide."

Even Theroux has to admit, "It was both strikingly unconventional, and at the same time, bearing all the hallmarks of a big, happy family.”

Heide: "There's no victim here. We're all quite happy."

Theroux is convinced that Jerry's unhappy. He kind of won't shut up about it. I'm no therapist, but I'd bet money that a part of him relates to Jerry, and is projecting his own shit onto the man.

Point blank, he finally asks Jerry, "Are you happy?" And Jerry says, "Yes." Sure, he wishes he had another poly partner too, so he's a bit lonely right now, but that's his problem to solve, not Heide's. Overall, he's happy with the arrangement.

Despite all of that, Theroux still decides to end the segment with this patronizing voiceover: "I wonder if it’s really what Jerry wants, or if it's just the price he’s willing to pay for her love.” BISH HE JUST TOLD YOU.

It's a good thing the subjects in this mini-doc are so dope, because this host got on my damn nerves. Luckily, ~90% of the time, he lets them tell their own story, on their own terms.

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TLDR of Review Part I: Love Without Limits' representation of child-rearing in polyamory gets a big fat A. Great job, folx. The best thing about showing groups who've been poly for 10+ years is, not only do they have great communication skills by now, but they're living proof that poly is sustainable if you're doin' it right.