Review: "Beyond 'The One'" (New York Magazine) (Patreon)

The following contains spoilers for New York Magazine's short documentary, Beyond 'The One': Exploring Modern Polyamory.

I was curious to check out this doc for two reasons: I know one of people featured (Isaac), and I generally like this magazine's content. So, what did they cover?

Marriage is not inherently hierarchical. Sophie is the first poly person we meet. She's egalitarian, and gets married on camera. She wants it for legal reasons, as the benefits and tax write-offs make the most sense for that particular partner. But it doesn't mean he's most important.

Some polyamorists do have hierarchy in marriage, but a ring doesn't automatically mean the spouse ranks higher than anyone else. I'm glad to see such a nuanced point represented here.

Not a fan of their focus on the wedding, though. NY Mag's emphasis on the ceremony undercuts what Sophie says about egalitarianism. The doc should've given equal time to discussing all of her relationships.

Next we meet Effy Blue, poly woman and relationship coach. 

 “The history of polyamory is interwoven with the history of feminism. It pushes back on the idea that women gain their power from men, first from their fathers and then their husbands.” - Effy Blue

Consensual polyamory is interwoven with civil rights as a whole, not just for straight women. Poly dynamics do liberate straight cis women, yes, but they also create space for queer, trans and non-binary folx. As a relationship style, it offers community and sexual freedom to people who otherwise feel erased by the system.

I also wish she clarified that secular polyamory is not religious polygamy. (The latter offers disproportionate rights to men, not to mention bigotry toward LGBTQIA+ people).

We jump to the kitchen of Isaac and Sharon (with whom I'm friendly), and their mutual partner, Kayla (left).

“In pictures, Isaac doesn’t like to be in the middle, because it’s kind of a weird stigma. … People are automatically gonna assume that you’re a guy with 2 girlfriends who have nothing to do with each other. But I have individual relationships with both of you.” — Kayla

When repping polyamory publicly, stay mindful. I really appreciate Kayla's words about not centering the straight man in their poly story. 

There's nothing wrong with polygyny, btw. It's just that in the media (which very much includes porn!) it's a stereotype that suggests women agree to poly only to please their man. We need to be thoughtful about well-rounded representation.

Would you let a fight be filmed in real time? I gotta give love to Sharon and Isaac for being vulnerable enough to let New York Mag film (and edit) their fight. How many of us would have the guts to do the same?

That said, it is uncomfortable to watch. If we're taking the edit at face value (and that's a big "if"), their fighting skills seem dysfunctional. She struggles to voice her point, and he deflects instead of owning his part.

I do feel bad for them, though, as I personally know this isn't their relationship as a whole. People are just at their worst in a fight.

Then the documentary just sort of ends, somewhat unceremoniously. They close on Effy's broad feeling that "relationships are work." I mean. Yes, but... let's just say it's not the deep dive I was hoping for.

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TLDR:  I give this short documentary a C+ in how it portrays non-monogamy. They touch on a few great points, but for a piece on polyamory, it focuses a LOT on two-person dynamics. (That tells me the producer isn’t checking her own monogamy bias.) And overall, it’s just too short to really do any of these dynamics justice. 

Oh well. At least it's starting poly conversations with a wider audience!