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Time for Cases! (Patreon)

Published:
2023-03-27 14:51:09
Imported:
2023-03

Content

Heya! Bailiff Jake here. The Supreme Crit is convening this afternoon, so submit your (BRIEF, puh-lease!) cases on this thread and we will bring you the truest justice.

Ever lowly,

Jake

Comments

Anonymous

To the honorable justices and the guy that's mean to Amir. I bring to you the Case of Wondering Eyes vs Fondling Hands. I run a game with 30+ year old DnD newbies who recently reached Level 3. Everyone rolled their hit die, and while the rest of the players explained rules of HP increase for the first time, I noticed my Bladesinger player silently contemplate the 1 he rolled before real-time sleight of handing it up to a 3. Mind you, this goon has been the most curious on how to hack the mechanics of the game and has already become virtually impossibly to hit with an AC of 25. What's worse, the Bladesinger scooped the dice away and told everyone he rolled a 6. My spine had unfortunately slipped out my ass and I jumped back into the session without saying anything. Was I wrong in not growing a pair or shall we punish my player by like shitting in his mouth or something? Dunno, just spitballing, I humbly await your judgement PS he's one of my best friends

Anonymous

To the mighty and esteemed judges and the bailiff who is the true hero of the court. I bring you all a case of character gender identity and player agency. I am in a game where I play as an air genasi worlock warrior in a game that the dm describes as "a fuck around game." One day we were talking to a university professor and I touch an incomplete item in the room that changed my gender with no save whatsoever. On top of that the dm told me to just "interpret that how you will" which is a loaded statement because there are so many ways to decide what happened. I was extremely miffed because I made my character the way that made me comfortable and exited to play and I try to stay away from playing as some other groups of people because I don't want to accidentally fall into stereotypes. I eventually decided on saying that my character Zahid is a warrior first and wouldn't care about what their gender is so I could avoid any arguments that I didn't want to have. I ask, was player agency take from me or am I taking this too seriously in a silly game. To be fair I would have been less miffed with more defined rules and a charisma save. I pray for your swift judgment.

Anonymous

To the Honorable Bailiff, and whomever else it may concern.

Anonymous

The most honorable justices Axford, Murphy, and Tanner, and the unfortunately relatable bailiff, Jacob? I humbly bring to The Crit the Case of the Left-Handed Artificer. In a recent one-shot campaign, I played a lvl 4 Battle Smith artificer/lvl 2 wizard named Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. My DM allowed me to use my Steel Defender to create my character’s suit of armor brother, Alfonse. My party was swept away by a modron through the Astral Plane, where my brother was disintegrated. I sacrificed my long rest to bring my Steel Defender back. However, my DM told me my brother’s soul would not remain intact. In the spirit of the anime, I was allowed to bond my brother’s soul back to the Steel Defender after sacrificing my remaining right arm and leg. My DM insisted that because I only had a left arm and leg automail, I only knew how to build left limbs. He allowed me to attach them backwards, making me an all left-limbed PC going into the final battle, essentially turning me into a spinning top of doom. Was it right for my DM to not allow me to tinker opposite limbs based on the limbs my character already had and knew how to replicate? I leave the decision in the capable hands of The Crit.

Anonymous

To the Chiefs of Crit and Bailiff of Bog Standard, may it please the court. As a longtime fan of College Humor, Dimension 20, and the Amir show, I hope you can give me closure on a case that's been with me for over two decades, and also that you have no statute of limitations. Our new DM was running an altered Tiamat campaign. After we defeated the big bad some 15 levels in, it was revealed that his DMPC (who worshipped his previous PC in my game) was the real mastermind and true BBEG. Using knowledge of our characters, he attempted to convert us to the dark side. It was known that my elf wizard was focused on gaining power, but also that he had a sick mother back home who he was hoping to cure. The BBEG used both of these motivation and promised a cure. I had no character reason to distrust him or go against motivation, and I assumed I'd have a chance to double-cross or at least attempt to break free, so my character relented to the deal. I was then asked to hand over my character sheet, as my character was now a DMPC and was planned to be a future boss battle for the party. My other character planned with the party on how to free my wizard, through magic or even death if necessary, but this was never resolved as our DM got busy and sessions stopped soon after. Should the DM have taken away my complete control of the character, or should I have at least been aloud closure in this devastating turn of events? I await your sentencing on the matter.

DisClever

To the, you know, and all that jazz. I found myself playing a Lawful Good Rogue in a 5e game that was pitched as "The Breakfast Club meets Wild West". An ex-con who sends all of the money they acquire back to an orphanage they feel responsible for. Very early on (First session) one of our party members decides to pull the ultimate solo heist. Steal a very valuable and expensive gun from one of the two shops in town, which was displayed on the wall of the shop. Without knowing their intentions, my character was asked to talk to the shopkeeper with the intention of keeping them distracted. Being the only character with any sort of charisma, my character immediately botched the roll leading to verbal abuse from the shopkeeper. Meanwhile the party member cast an illusion spell to make the gun appear where it was, while they cast invisibility to steal it. Which to my character appeared as though a gun had just hopped off the wall, and flew right out of the store. While somehow remaining on the wall. The shopkeeper seemed to not notice while berating me. I then promptly left, as the thief hid the gun somewhere. When recounting this to my partner after the game, they argued that I couldn't be Lawful Good having allowed that crime to occur. While I argue that I did not perform the act, and was unaware of the crime attempt thus allowing me to keep my lawful status. It was also brought up that being the wild west, 'the law' is very had to define. We have yet to settle this past agreeing that my character should report the crime to whatever authorities there may be. Which I did, in front of all of my party members. Added comedy that my character looked like a loony talking about flying ghost guns that stole themselves, which was promptly dismissed by the 'Sherriff". What do you say, Justices? Can my character still call themselves Lawful, or will they be forever destined to return to the life of crime?

Anonymous

Dear esteemed and mighty Judges, and the pretty neat Bailiff if he’s there. I present the case of The Stubborn Sausage thieves. I run one shots for my uni’s dnd club and enjoy it immensely, introducing dnd to new players and allowing forever DMs a chance to kick back and enjoy being a player. Yes, almost new groups every week come with challenges but I love the different groups I get, with one exception… The Stubborn Sausage Thieves. This group of 3 pcs would not stop badgering the butcher in the small village besieged by a monster. Whilst using the butcher to reveal information about the monster they were trying to hunt to the whole group of 6 pcs, 3 pcs insisted they steal the sausage links I had described to create an immersive setting. I said okay, you can do this but if he figures you out you might not find out all the Crucial info about this monster you guys are here to hunt. They said fine, I set some dcs for slight of hand, deception, and stealth. All three CRIT failed, like dice Christ was sending them a sign. I said the butcher pulls out his knives and throws them right as your about to take a step seeing through your rouse, he kicks you out and refuses to aid the party any more. Thinking that was the end of it I continued to the night scene, where they could scout out the suspicious elder or gather more clues, but no. “We want those sausages” They demanded they go back, and again I set some higher dcs which they got did succeeded on and got the sausages. Again I thought it was the end of it, but no, they now they wanted everything. So for each night they were in the town, supposed to be gathering info as a group, these 3 went back and stole from this poor butcher. They robed this innocent man who was supposed to help them. Bless the other players, they went and got all the info, figured out the monster, and how to kill it. After completing their quest they reimbursed the butcher. So I ask the court, was I right to let them have a rob this humble butcher or should I have stuck to my guns a bit more and just said no? I humbling await your judgement

Anonymous

To the Judges (I'll let y'all pick your adjectives) and to the all right Baillif (jack doesn't get to pick), may it please the court. I write to you with a case where a relationship hangs in the balance. Recently my job ended and my now former co-workers wanted to play a campaign in order to have an excuse to stay in touch. After the job was over, two of the co-workers started dating. One was my former roommate and we have a lot of experience playing together, for the other it's their first time. My former roommate was eager to play, but her gf can't focus on anything. I had made them custom printed spell cards and wild shape cards (with pictures), 3d printed a fidget toy that helps keep track of spell slots, HP, ect., and even made a miniature model of their characters airship all in an attempt to secure their attention. But alas, they can't seem to focus on anything that's happening. They're not even on their phone, it's often times dead during sessions. Its been 4 sessions in and they still don't have a filled out character sheet. It's begining to frustrate the other players and give their new partner the ick. Often saying she leaves with a headache. They insist that they want to play and that the game is interesting. Should we just stop playing and loose our friend groups excuse to meet over one player, or risk this blossoming relation over of their lack of immersion.

Anonymous

To the honourable justices/high priests, as well as to that guy Tucker hangs out with sometimes: I come not with a case nor a confession, but with an example of Dice Christ's instant karma. My girlfriend was rolling stats for a dnd character while on call with me. She rolled above 14 for all her rolls until her last, which was a 7. She was unhappy, but I warned her against rerolling, fearing the wrath of Dice Christ. Deciding not to heed my warning, she rolled that stat again. She got a five. Distraught, she rolled again. Another five. Her final roll... was a three. Four ones on all of her d6's, something we calculated as a 1/1296 chance. The fear of Dice Christ was struck into her at that moment, and she decided to take the seven without another word. Needless to say, my girlfriend is now a devout follower of Dice Christ, and she's pickling her dice as we speak.

Anonymous

May it please the wonderful and lovely justices and that guy who sells wallets, Jake(also congrats joking aside), I present to you the case of forbidden hand chopping. I was running a campaign where the players were coworkers facing weird problems, one of which they ended up fighting the fantasy IRS, after the fight one of the npcs, barnaby, who was a loyal friend to the party, was recognized by an irs agent as an international criminal. The party rolled and noticed the look of recognition but didn’t roll high enough to know why. One of my players, Derrick, decided to intimidate barnaby, rolled and failed, he then looked me dead in the eyes and said he wanted to cut his hand off, I told him he failed the check and he can’t do that, he said he could and that this was a separate thing, I tol see d him if he attacked a coworker he would most likely be fired from the job which this entire campaign was about working. He finally gave up, but was bitter and from there hated barnaby and frequently kept trying to cut his hand off or even kill him, instead of asking why the agent recognized him. So court I ask was I wrong from not allowing Derrick to cut off his coworkers hand? I await your decision -Bennett L

Sam the BT

To the wonderful bailiffs and the reprehensible King John I present the case of “Airlock Sholmes and the Blowgun of Certain Death.” My ranger shot an NPC detective named Airlock Sholmes in the back of the head with the “Blowgun of Certain Death.” The DM said the detective died. I think this was unfair. Hear me out. We’re working through Candlekeep Mysteries and were currently working on a murder investigation given to us by the aforementioned detective. He was purposefully annoying and condescending to us, throwing out crazy “alternative” theories to any speculation we made. We were mean right back as he was making our characters miserable. It was a great time for all of us at the table. After a particularly stupid “But maybe that ghost was actually lying about her murder!” from the detective I wanted to hit him upside the head with some flair. I decided to use my blowgun for this. Now the name “Blowgun of Certain Death” is an ironic title. It is a blowgun that never misses but can never use special ammo. Its damage is always exactly 3. The joke being “with enough time certainly anyone will die.” I fired but then Airlock instantly went down and when I tried to heal him the DM informed us he only had a max HP of 1 and thus the 3 damage instantly killed him. This was a spry young man and my character never had murderous intent. As one who is usually the DM, I’m often the restrained character of the group, holding back my companions more murder hobo tendencies. Straight up murder is very much out of character. The DM wouldn’t budge. When speaking with the DM later I asked if Airlock needed to be out of the story and he was just taking advantage of an opening. The DM said no; that we were supposed to have him for most of if not all of the of the adventure. The DM wanted us to know that Airlock was no good in combat. I guess we learned. Was Airlock really killed by my ranger, or was he more struck down by the DM.

Anonymous

To the honorary justices Axford, Murphy and Tanner. As well as the dishonorary Boston Criminal Defence Attorney Tread. I bring you the case of Health Cannon Madness. Recently I have been playing an artillerist artificer and one of the cannons I can make is a shield cannon that allows me to provide temp HP (d8 plus intel mod (3)) to any number of creatures within the shield. The cannon lasts an hour and each turn I can use it meaning I can use it 600 times before it disappears. I did this before an encounter and my DM was so upset with everyone’s 4200 (4 average roll+ 3 x600) temp HP that we haven’t played since January. Am I in the wrong for following the mechanics or should my DM get good? I await your ruling. PS You are all welcome to come to my wedding in August in Halifax. Or if you can’t please do a live show in Ottawa!!!!

Anonymous

To the inequitable Judges and the tastefully lowly Bailiff John. I present the case of The Player-Stealing-DM. I was introduced to D&D in year 6, and instantly liked it. Then I got sent to boarding school, and couldn’t play. I got my D&D fix through listening to NADDPOD (thanks), but around year 9, I decided, “Hey, why don’t I run my own 5e campaign?” So through a mix of D&D Beyond, the google dice rolling feature, and me searching for free D&D campaign pdfs on google, I got a campaign going. The party consisted of 2 Dragonborne Paladins, and a Ranger, all of whom solely enjoyed fighting. As it was their first time ever playing and mine ever DMing, I let the shenanigans run rampant. Everyone was having heaps of fun, including me, until someone else decided to join the party. This someone, who we will name Colin, had had the same introduction as me, except they had bought the DMG, PHB, and MM. In other words, he was the most lawyer-ey Rules Lawyer you’d ever hope not to meet. He joined the campaign, and I set up and encounter in a store where Colin, a rogue, could steal back something he’d lost, a sword I had vague plans to make really interesting in the future. Upon entering the store, the ranger wanted to shoulder barge a customer out of the way. I had him roll opposed athletics and they both rolled really low. I narrated them both falling over and blocking the doorway, and causing others to trip and fall as they were knocked down as well. Everyone was laughing at the stupidity until Colin said “No.” I looked at him surprised but I asked why. He proceeded to take out the PHB and show me where I should have had them roll initiative and then have consecutive grapple checks to win, with one reigning supreme. I explained it was just a bit of fun, and It didn’t matter all that much, but he told me he wanted to play in an actual campaign, not just some silly made-up nonsense. He left and we finished the session with the players accosting the rogue who I had to quickly make an NPC, and we ended happily. Here’s where the bad part begins. One-By-one, my players came to me and said they didn’t really want to play anymore, I was crushed, and thought I hadn’t DMed well enough, and was worried I had ruined it for them by giving them a bad first experience of D&D. Well, the next week I was walking past the library where we played, and I saw all my players sitting around a table, talking. I went over to them, as they were still my friends, and to my dismay saw they were all playing D&D with none other than Colin. I found out he had gone to all my players after that fateful session, and told them I didn’t know what I was doing, and had convinced them I was a terrible DM. He had gotten them to leave my campaign and start a new one, and not to tell me. I asked my players to please come back to my campaign, as they had already started, but they didn’t want to, and I couldn’t exactly force them. So I ask you, was I wrong to play a loose campaign for my new players? Or should I have played by the rules more like Colin demanded? I humbly await your judgement. P.S I later discovered the players quit Colin’s campaign after just a few sessions because they weren’t having fun. They didn’t like D&D anymore. Thank you.

Anonymous

To the honorable judges, I present the case of Wizard v. Flint and Steel. In a battle between our heroes and the final boss of a cave dungeon, we were learned that the boss was using buttons on his throne to trigger traps that would harm the party. I was out of spell slots early in the battle since we were at a low level, so I decided to get creative when the boss activated a grease trap to surround his throne. I asked the DM if there were any torches on the walls, and he told me that there were several unlit torches around the room. I said I wanted to get out my flint and steel, light a torch, and ignite the grease. To my surprise, the DM instructed me to roll a D4, and I rolled a 4. The DM told me that it would take me 4 rounds of combat to light the torch, and that my turn was over. On the next round, I wanted to ditch this terrible plan and re-enter combat, but he told me that I was now committed to my plan and could not stop until the 4 turns were over. I spent the rest of the fight failing to light the torch, and my party beat the boss without me. Was I robbed of my autonomy? Am I wrong to make decisions for my character based on out-of-game foresight on how long their actions will take to complete? I humbly await your judgment. PS: After the battle, one of my party members clicked one of the throne buttons for fun, which triggered a high-level fireball to hit most of the party. Three of us were knocked out, one of which failed his death saves and died. The DM, sensing that everyone was bummed and a little miffed, told us that his DM-PC pulled out a wish scroll and revived the fallen party member. While it removed the consequences of our friend’s decision, it was obvious that the party appreciated his mercy. I have to give him kudos for that.

Anonymous

G’day to the beloved Supreme Crit Justices and the honourable Bailiff Jake! I present to you less of a case and more of a desperate plea for guidance on what I have dubbed “the hesitant Hail Mary” Some background: myself and a couple of mates play in a level 14 high-stakes 5e campaign. As an example of how high-stakes the game is right now; the empire is at war, an eldritch world-destroying horror just broke out of the moon - and finally, how could I forget, the god of Death itself was just assassinated. My friend plays a cleric of Kord in this game. We love a cleric, especially one who has survived to high-level. Clerics also gain a fun ability at level 10 to roll for a “Divine Intervention” which they can do once per long rest. Which brings me to the point of my plea! There have been times a Divine Intervention has been desperately needed in this high-stakes game but the Cleric won’t budge! Not even when he was at Death’s Doorstep during a particularly bloody battle - in fact, he DIED. And was thankfully resurrected. But up to drawing his last breath, he simply would not Hail Mary. Justices and Bailiff I beg of you, how can I kindly convince my fellow player to make the most out of his awesome cleric abilities? I have tried to helpfully tell him about his Divine Intervention in character - saying things to his cleric like “gee, only a miracle could save us now!” - and out of character, with a lot of winking and nudging, but he kind of just laughs and moves on! I myself worry about coming off as “bossy” so I try to reel it in. It would just be awesome to see a high-level cleric get to go absolutely ham. I can for sure see a lot of DM wumps ahead with some clever Divine Interventions. Any advice is appreciated - do I keep nudging him, or just let it go? Please help! Thank you crew for your time 🙏 Kord bless

Anonymous

To the Beatific Justices, the Resplendent/Vile Bailif depending on how you're feeling and may it please the court I humbly bring before you the case of the catfished celestial warlock. I played a satyr celestial warlock who was raised by a kindly mentor after falling through a portal to a forest in the the material realm as a child. The campaign was their first time in the wider world. As they explored faerun they realised they got the short end of the stick being stuck in a forest. I asked my DM if i could play the warlock patron relationship as a bit resentful. The DM stated i wasn't allowed to resent a celestial patron. I left it up to my DM what an alternative might be after efforts to workshop things kept meeting a dead end. The result? A homebrewed neutral deity who kidnapped my character as a child (I said in a previous character idea being kidnapped as a child was too dark). Whenever my character pushed back at being kidnapped he got told "it was his own fault" and couldn't blame anyone but himself. I eventually left the campaign and it's for the best but I can't help but wonder if my satyr boy got done dirty and deserves a crumb of justice. I humbly await your judgement and accept my own culpability

Anonymous

To the rad crit justices with cool leather jackets. I bring you the case of the cursed staff. I recently ran a game with 3 players and myself, all of us with little to no prior experience other than watching/listening to show like naddpodd, d20 and CR. The party started out as level 3 characters with established backstories of having experienced some adventure together prior to arriving at our starting town. The party was enlisted by the duke and his wizard advisor to dispatch of a dark wizard who had been kidnapping kids to sacrifice to his demon patron. The quest was a success and the party managed to defeat the dark wizard and bearly escape the crumbling cave along with the freshly resqued kids. And, crucially to my intended plot development, they brought along the wizards staff which I discribed clanked to the ground as the wizard was defeated. As they were returning to town, to my annoyance, the groups paladin insisted they get rid of the cursed staff. Which I had hoped to use as a mind control device to cause one of the partymembers make an attempt at the dukes life and make the urgent need to GTFO or maybe capture/daring prison escape. Of course, that didnt happen and in my noob DM mind I couldnt see a reasonable way to make it happen anyway. The session ended with the collection of rewards and gambling at the inn with a subsequent brawl. which was fun all the same but I felt I would have liked the session to end with a clear direction for the next one, which has yet to happen. Should I have tried harder to make the party keep the staff? Or should I maybe not have put so much relience on it all? Oh the baliff is also there, didnt notice.

Anonymous

To the honorable Justices, and the also honorable Bailif-Jake. May it please the court- I brought up the Simulacrum spell to my DM. She is relatively new to DMing so I often poke her about my past mistakes; or mistakes I've read other DMs make. She is also my girlfriend and gets pretty annoyed by it. I wanted to talk with her about the difficulty rating of combat as a DM. "When your players get more skills", I said, "your monsters will, too". I wanted to talk about using monsters effectively because the difficulty of combat is highly dependent on it. I picked a high-level Wizard with a stat block that contained the Simulacrum spell. I wanted to show how different the fight would be if you planted them in a random battle versus a wizard meticulously preparing for an expected fight. When I brought up the Simulacrum spell, she looked it up and told me that the material component was snow. "There isn't always going to be snow around," she said. I said, "Wizards can easily create snow". She said, "It can't be magical snow. It has to be natural snow." I said, "OK. If that were the case, a Wizard with enough time, could teleport, acquire, and store enough snow to be ready." She disagreed. Am I wrong to argue with my girlfriend here? I don't think she cares about level 20 Wizard theorycraft, but shouldn't I warn her about these things to prepare her for more difficult content? Why did she fixate on the material component of the spell? She loves womping me and laughs about getting womped herself. I just don't want her to get womped every time. I humbly await your -relationship advice- ruling.

Anonymous

To the honorable justices and Bailiff-Jake (I guess). May it please the court: I’m in a campaign where one of the players actively works against the interests of the party. They reveal our plans to the enemy and attack other NPC allies and fellow players, regularly. Keep in mind this campaign is already very challenging, with intense encounters in which we have barely been able to avoid a total TPK, even without this player’s interference (they show up infrequently.) We even had the deck of many things introduced to us, and upon pulling the balance card and switching their alignment from “chaotic evil” to “lawful good,” they have not changed their efforts in attempting to thwart the party. We mostly met online so I didn’t reach out to the player directly, and instead asked our DM if they could talk to the player or if they were leading any other campaigns in which this person was not involved. I ask the court, was I wrong in doing so? Am I being dramatic? I humbly await your decision.

Anonymous

When you say teleport, i say “how many times?” Dear Mighty Judges and (insert adj here) bailiff I joined a friend’s game as a guest character between arc. I took a note from Ally Beardsly and played a level 12 multiclass Gloom Stalker Ranger/Assassin Rogue/Battlemaster fighter. It was a one time character so i got crunchy. I was from a futuristic sky city and the campaign’s big bad teleported into a vault and teleported out with an important relic. The DM specifically said he teleported in and out. That same day, he raided the heroes’ home, unleashed a beholder, and stole an important journal. The big bad ran off into the night. I was a sharpshooter feat crossbow archer that couldn’t be seen by anyone because of they all had night vision. I kicked ass. Got the relic back but not the journal. The BB then teleported away. Taunting the heroes with a sending spell. My question is, how did this guy teleport (7th lvl spell) 3 times in one day? How high a level wizard was he to do this? If he was that high then couldn’t he have destroyed us with 9th level spells instead of almost dying? Judges. When does a background explanation have to face material constraints of spell slots? I await your ruling. PS: this wasn’t a game ruining debate. We discussed for a few mins. He said he used a higher lvl spell slots. I didn’t want to look up how many wizard spell slots they had. So i dropped it cause i know he still wanted his BB to do stuff and i was a guest character. I STILL WANT TO BE RIGHT THO!

Anonymous

To the honored popes of dice christ and youth pastor Jake, I come to you with a confession I was running a one shot with my roommates and friends from work, one was a first timer. It was my first time ever running a module and after the first encounter which due to an incredible spell from the Warlock and really bad dice rolls on my part the party made it out completely unscathed. Where the issue arrose was immediately after this when there was an encounter they were supposed to lose in which they were absolutely womping the old hag they were up against. Out of desperation I made up a sleeping gas effect and upcast her spells to take them down. After getting things back on track the monk rolled a nat 20 at disadvantage to convince an insane giant they were married so they could bring him along to go back and womp her even harder than the first time finishing the one shot in under an hour. Was this dice christ's way of putting things back in order or was I right to try to save this one shot. I humbly await your judgment.

Anonymous

To the honorable justices and the still-living bailiff Jake, I give you the case of the otter ending hijack. It was the last session of a long running 3.5 campaign which ended with the BBEG defeated in a dramatic battle on his own spaceship in... space. At the time, I narrated, "Because the adventurers did not know where in the cosmos they were, they couldn't return home. However, undeterred, the adventurers fired up their engines of their stolen spaceship, took their stations and smiled. They chose the second star on the right venturing forever in the infinite cosmos, having epic adventures for the rest of time." One of the other players got visibly angry at this and started to narrate himself, "No, that's not how it ends. My character immediately figures out the alien controls, navigates back to his own planet and retires. There, he starts up an family in the river with his otter wife and children. They live happily ever after. The end." I said, "OK." And that was the end of the campaign. So, I ask of ye judges, does the otter have the right to retire to a egalitarian life, or should I have stuck to my original ending?

Anonymous

To the honorable Murph, axeford, and Tanner, and the bountiful bailiff/clerk Jake. I present you with numbers vs drama. I do not like being a player as much as being a DM, but on those off chances I have to abdicate I play a character I want no matter the efficiency. So in a recent scene where I was being grappled I decided to attack my opponent with a dagger instead of my great axe for dramatic effect. The DM allowed it but later he and his optimizing sibling gave me grief on my choice. So I ask should I have been subjected to my suboptimal dressing down or are they just number crunching midmaxers?

Anonymous

Your most honorable judges or lore and legend, masters of the rules and rulings, and jack, I have but a simple question. Am I wrong for telling my player they aren’t allowed to name their character “Something”, as in Something the level 3 rogue. They want their name to add to the mystique of their character so all the rumors of his victims death were just that “Something must have killed them”. I argue that this is a fun idea for a one shot, but over a long campaign it just seems like having a name like “Something”, or “Someone” or the likes would get confusing in descriptions and conversations. Don’t get me wrong I love Nothin’ and hope Obsidian can find them, but I’m just not a fan of a name like that for a PC. I would also like to nominate Amir as a Supreme Court Justice of the dice.

Anonymous

To the relevant judges and our omnibenevolent bailiff. I present to you the case of the bad charity campaign. I play in a weekly campaign that is very Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy, my dm is a god tier guy who is super creative and I'm used to these standards. Cut to present where my friend tells me his boss does dnd and is hosting a charity stream 4 shot, I offer to play and I'm not revealed a huge amount of info but brush it off. On the night I found the game to not be my style at all, slower paced than I'm used too and players that I don't click with. (Keep in mind im used too shenanigans), an exampleof this being my character the wannabe back alley salesman making a stupid deal for tye pc to then report me to the guard. What do I do? I've been with my group for years and am not used to this slow grinding and rather awkward interaction and kind of want to dip. Am I a massive asshole and should I stick it out. I leave it in your capable hands.

Anonymous
>>105057239

I’m not the judges but if it’s only a 4 shot why not just stick it out?

Anonymous

To the most esteemed and gracious justices, and they’re humble colleague Jack. May I present the case of the Powergamjng Teddybear. I play in a campaign with a few friends as a Reborn Grave Domain cleric, with another member of the party playing a (homebrewed) teddybear race sorcerer/paladin multiclass. One of my domain features, Path to the Grave, allows me to give a creature vulnerability to the next attack made against it, which has very high potential for interesting combos. The Teddybear insists that I only use the feature for him, as he believes his attacks deal the most damage in a single hit (combining booming blade with divine smite). He’s brought this up in and out of game, getting annoyed if another party member makes use of my Path to the Grave or if I ‘waste my turn’ casting a different spell that won’t directly assist him. I understand that Clerics are mostly played as supports, but I feel as just because he has powerbuilt a character to do high numbers of damage it doesn’t mean that I have to cater my turns to him constantly and not help our other party members have their ‘big damage’ moments. I leave it to the justices whether I should do the optimised choice of focussing on supporting our Teddybear sorcererdin, or if he should back off an let me have more diverse and possibly less effective turns. P.S he also frequently threatens to kill other player’s characters if they act in ways that his character thinks is dangerous/reckless.

Anonymous

Prayer to Dice Christ. I am truly blessed by Dice Christ as they know I am a devout believer. I listen to dice rolls and cannot tell a lie so I always trust in the roll. Recently I have been given the role of DM and Dice Christ has seen to keep the blessings rolling. Sometimes I watch in horror and awe at the amazing high rolls I have been gifted. However my players are cursed to rarely roll above a 10. I started letting them use my dice but their curse continues regardless. How can I lift their curses?

Anonymous

Hello to the lovely bailiff and the tyrannical judges who torment him. I am DMing a campaign that starts in a Renaissance Italy inspired republic. After two sessions I decided to reboot the campaign. One of my PC’s, Antonia, is the daughter of a powerful Medici-like don but she secretly LARPs as a lowly rogue. Pre-reboot, I introduced the location of her father’s secret base to a different PC as a plot hook. A few sessions after the reboot, Antonia was faced with an impossible problem. With some innovative thinking from the player, she discovered an item that hinted to the underground location of the base. She then rolled a nat 20 to figure out the clue. The whole group positively freaked out. I did too but I also felt a deep sense of dread that she pulled this off without using pre-reboot knowledge. Because of a nat 1 in her follow up sleuthing, I kinda forcefully cut off her investigation there. This was one of the most riveting moments of the campaign for countless edited-out reasons and I can’t help but feel bad for ending it so abruptly. I ask you, should I have continued the breadcrumb trail or was I right in gobbling up the breadcrumbs like some sort of starved goblin.

Zaxbeez

To the honorous justices and the bailiff who I think would do great as a guest on 8-Bit book club, I bring the case of the Too Cool Failure: I was playing an astral monk in a campaign that was pretty heavy on the goofs. My monk was a 40-something working as a cashier at Fantasy Burger King whose ex wife married a much more successful man with a young son (who was my bully). During character creation, I drew upon Gilear (Fantasy High) and threw in some big Jake/Tucker energy; my monk had just gotten his orange belt from the mall dojo. I worked with my GM that my arc could’ve traveling the world with the party getting strong enough to stand up to my 9-year-old nemesis, and he thought it was great. A few sessions later and we’re getting ready to leave the city for adventures abroad, when my rival confronts me and starts pushing me, so I go to defend myself, thinking I was about to get trashed. Justices, I took this kid out with one punch, and my ex wife was impressed and said we should get coffee sometime. I thought this was too quick of an ending, and wound up dropping my monk off and making a new character because my failson was ‘cool’ now. Should I be upset that my loser monk had his entire character arc completed in 3 sessions, or just enjoy the knowledge that I can dunk on prepubescent karate practitioners? I eagerly await your judgement.

Anonymous

To the honorable justices and fancy lad Jake, may I bring to you the case of the Roc and the hard place. My players are in a survival horror campaign loosely inspired Midsommar (if Midsommar had feuding fey and a Baba Yaga figure). To keep up the sense of danger and drama, random encounters are all rolled in front of the board, and the CRs for the encounters tends to be pretty high. My group of 6 level 6 characters encountered a Roc. Our sorcerer immediately got picked up (because he was making bird sounds with prestidigitation) and carried into the sky. Our eldritch knight jumped on the Roc's back to lend assistance mid-flight. When the fighter speared the Roc in the back, the Roc used its action to shake loose the fighter and drop the sorcerer (...180ft to the ground). The check was athletics vs acrobatics/athletics to stay on the Roc. The players failed their checks. The fighter argued that falling should take place on his turn and that he should be able to grab back onto the Roc. I argued that falling occurs instantaneously unless specifically countered by a reaction like featherfall. Revivify brought back the dead sorcerer, and the fighter was brought back up with cure wounds. Am I wrong to have turned my players into flat stanleys?

Scott

Forget d and d court when are the boobs going to give us their takes on dungeons and dragons: honour among thieves ?

Anonymous

Dear universe 7 gods and the lowly bailiff who cleans their shoes, I bring you the case of the absent saiyan and namekian I made a home brew DBZ campaign that runs through the whole arc of DragonBall Z and Super including the movies and making it to where everything is canonical well everyone picked their race and a lot of these people are playing DND for the first time so I made it extra fun and exciting for all the players so our saiyan has been absent for every session all the way up to going to namek so like 10 sessions! On the 10th one where they finally start to face freiza I killed off his character and the namekian character for they were both absent because they decided to and I quote go see DR Strange 2 cuz they thought that would be more fun so after informing the other players of this I decided out of spite to have frieza death beam them and mercilessly destroy them in front of everyone and had a mini joker moment and the 11th session not only did the namekian showed up but the saiyan showed up for the first time so I told them sorry your characters have died but their is hope if the players can collect the dragonballs and revive you then your characters can come back so they had to watch a 4 to 5 hour boss fight without participating so I ask you am I being a little too petty for not having them play during an amazing boss fight or did I have a right to destroy these characters after I put so much work into this game that they deemed “not fun” I humbly await your judgement

ACK

* * shouted from the stand * * Do magically created clones have belly buttons? * * gets dragged out by security * *

Anonymous

Dear Instagram-verified justices, I come forth with a case of an evil campaign finale gone kawaii. I had been playing my level 15 jumbo imp monk alongside 3 of the DMs friends, making up our world's dark council. One player was a reaper, however, he did not take the game seriously and would only roleplay a dumbass uncle reaper who constantly shit himself and used to farm, and on top of this, the player was generally disengaged from the game. Upon encountering the bbeg, I open the fight by critting on a deflect missile check to swing a kicked table back at this evil-doer. I was feeling very good about my monk and feeling very good about having a satisfying conclusion to this mini campaign. We defeat the bbeg and the four of us get to deciding who will inherit the dark crown. This reaper-player (who hasn't been paying to the entire campaign up until this point) decides to kick his rp into high gear and suggests to my imp that we join forces and take out the other two members of the council. I have an insane turn with flurry of blows and take them both out at once. In turn, uncle shit reaper cuts me down and proceeds to resurrect my badass character and the rest of the party as feminine fucking catboys. I found this to be an extraordinary move, but my DM was pissed and decided not to invite this player back. Justices, I ask if I was right to defend the reaper or if my DM was right to punish the player and exclude him from future games just when his rp was starting to get good. I await the ruling. And also Jake is there ig.

Anonymous

To the honorable Crit Justices and Bailiff: I belong to a DnD group at my high school. As a senior, I’m one of the more experienced players in the group. In the past, the students that have joined our DnD club have been a lot of fun to play with, and the ones that don’t jive with the group usually leave after a few sessions. This year, however, we had a new player join. She’s a junior and knows a bit about DnD, but doesn’t fit in well with the rest of the group. She often screams her feeling aloud and makes it difficult for other players to get a word in. She makes fun of the younger, less experienced kids in the group rather than helping them. When we play, other teachers have to close the doors to their classrooms because she’s so loud. She plays a character who is stuck up and definitely not a team player. Maybe worst of all, she doesn’t get that her character isn’t endearing in the least. It’s gotten so bad that several players have quit, and I’m pretty close to following them. Over the past two months or so, I’ve brought this up to our DM several times. While he understands my frustrations, he refuses to pull the player aside and address this, insisting that she’ll realize it eventually through role-play. He’ll often have our party interacting with NPCs who are equally difficult with her and she’ll just complain to the rest of us about how one-sided all the NPCs are. I missed our most recent session, in which her character was killed due to fall damage. She now blames me for not being there to save her, but I’m not sure what my level-five wizard could have done to prevent her death. I’m scared that the loss of her beloved bard will only make the issue worse. Should I just quit? Should my DM step up and say something to her?