ChirpChirpChirp. (Patreon)

That’s the thing about quiet moments. They can be so damned quiet.

I’m a night owl. There is something refreshing about the idea that between roughly 1 a.m. and 5 a.m., the world is asleep and doesn’t really demand anything from you. I can putz around (putzing being one of my most cherished pastimes), and just kinda do my own thing. Writing, reading a book, swearing that this is the last episode I’m gonna watch before turning in for the night. I think I get it from my grandmother. Back in her heyday, she could usually be found in the kitchen, 2 a.m., whipping up a pair of apples pies, just for the fuck of it. She was a workaholic who enjoyed this leisure time, and since she was one of those people who was so genetically blessed, demanded only four hours of sleep a night, if that. (Not this girl, however — if I don’t get my 8 hours, I’mm'a be a mess. But ditto on the apple pies at 2 a.m. part: that’s the shit, right there. Plus, you have pie in the morning!)

But, when you’re so terribly alone in this nocturnal realm of your own construction, it’s easy to feel like a ghost. There’s a saying I heard once, and while it applies more generally to drinking heavily and having to suffer the hangover the next day, you’re “borrowing happiness from tomorrow.” Sleep works in a similar way. I’m self-employed, and my clients are usually many time zones behind me anyhow, so ideally, my workday doesn’t even begin sometimes until early afternoon, which has its upsides and downsides.

I think the magic number is 4 a.m. There’s another old saying, that “nothing good can happen after 4 o’clock in the morning,” and I think there’s some truth to it. It’s actually substantiated by popular culture on a pretty consistent, if subliminal basis — something wonderfully observed by the poet Rives, who gave this lovely TED talk, if you’re interested.

Anyway. When you’re a ghost, it’s easy to wander around, blindly, and get more than you asked for. Call it a second wave if you’d like, but there’s a punch of regret that can sometimes come when you’re feeling perfectly tired, but decide to catch one more episode of The Good Place, and before you know it, you’re wide awake in bed 3 hours later, eyes closed but brain still spinning, cursing yourself because you know minutes are ticking by, and you can’t sleep, which makes it even harder to sleep, because shit, the sun is gonna be up in a few minutes, and my circadian rhythms will figure out my clever ruse and say, “Wait a minute, you silly bitch — the sun is coming out? What the hell are you doing?!”

Seriously, that’s a thing with me. Let’s say the first glimmer of indigo opposite-twilight begins to become faintly visible at… 5:30 a.m. If I get to sleep at 5:25? I’m golden. I might be awake at noon, and ready to face the day. 5:35? I’m positively buggered, and will be groggy as hell when I lug myself out of bed at 4.

I won’t say it’s insomnia. That’s a real thing that a lot of people have and suffer from, so I don’t wanna say, “Yeah, that’s me too, so slap it here, brother!” But it feels like it sometimes. Hardest thing in the world to get it right again, especially when you come to the point where you realize that humans are kinda meant to be up with the sun, and down with the stars.

On nights like these, where sleep doesn’t come, there’s some tossing and turning. Which, if you think about it? Is not the easiest thing in the world to casually do if you’ve got two undulating (is that the right word? Kinda. How’s “unruly and jiggly” sound?) bowling balls just kinda hanging out on your chest. There’s a lot of hefting if you’re hunkered down and decide that, tonight, sleeping on your right side is the way to go instead.

It’s funny, but that’s actually a question I get a lot. If you haven’t thought about it beforehand, it sounds a little absurd, but it’s actually a pretty good question, question-wise. How do you sleep?

The short answer is, of course, “On a pile of hundred-dollar bills left over from my days as a gentlewoman rumrunner.” But that’s a whole different story altogether, and I guess that’s not what they’re really asking, anyways.

I’m a star-fishy side-sleeper. I used to be a stomach sleeper, but now? There’s just too much of me in the way to smoosh.

Sleeping on my back… kind of a no-go, I mean, I can, but it’s just about comfort and physics. If I’m lying flat on my back, ol’ Nat and Olga are big enough to solidly rest on the bed to either side of me, just under my armpits. But then, I’m just kind of stuck there unless I perform the two-handed reach-over and heft one up.

There’s not a lot of leeway skin elasticity wise. A 10 pound boob ain’t light, so that’s a lot of unnecessary tugging on my rib cage, anyway. And the middleground of resting one on top of me isn’t really an option either. First of all, it would just kind of roll off, like The Great Jell-O Cascade. But? If I was battening it down with a tight shirt or something, again, 10 pounds is just a lot to have sitting there all night. I enjoy breathing, thankyouverymuch.

And then, with a pile of boob on each side of me? It limits where I can put my arms. Folded on top? Out to the sides, crucifix style? Weirdly bent atop N&O, giving them little scratchies? Eh. For me, it’s just not a very comfortable way to sleep.

So, I sleep on my sides. Not ideal, but it's the only option left, really. Let’s say I’m sleeping on my left-hand side… I’ll get under the covers, lay back, and Heft Olga (she’s the right one) over to my left side.

I take a moment to arrange them into place: In that case, my Natalia is sort of resting up against my belly; Olga is sort of more straight in front of me, under my chin, and then, they sleep, side to side. (God forbid I get that faint tingling that reminds me that I'm gonna have to piss before too long. Staying hydrated is a bitch.)

But, if all goes well, my left arm is either curled up underneath the pillow, or is just sort of pinned underneath the girls. And my right arm is just kinda draped across them. It's actually kinda comfy, once I'm all in place. They should start selling such pillow arrangement, I think. Maybe I can have my own line at Target. Suck it, Martha Stewart.

Don’t get me wrong. If I’m just having a super lazy day, and I just want to lay in bed and binge on Netflix, or something, I’ll put a bunch of pillows underneath me, and sort of recline on my back. Natalia and Olga get their own pillows too. Sort of elevates them a little so I can move around a bit more freely without tugging too much. Sometimes I just end up resting my phone on Nat, and keep a plate of snacks on her sister, laptop on, well, my lap… Probably fairly absurd to see from the outside, but you can’t say it’s not handy...

Geez, Louise, look at me. I’m rambling. I get like that if the hours go on for too long…

Maybe I should get some sleep.