45.6 Billion (Patreon)

[Editor's Note: I promise, the freaky-deeky mask will make sense by the end of this essay. If it's simply silly, which is my intent, I hope it gives you a chuckle. If, however, it's giving you... mixed feelings... my apologies. Consider it... my contribution to any Halloween spookiness you might be in for this weekend. Still kinda funny, though. Hope the fact that I'm wearing my "Dayum, Boiii! Let's hoist-em-high and make 'em proud!!" underwire makes up for it. So..... Without further ado.]

A little late to the game, so to speak. But I finally did what many of us have done, and I binge watched Squid Game.

Even when I was a little kid, my favorite part of blockbuster was the horror section. And my favorite flicks were those early-'80s gore fests that hit their peak in that era just when bloodbath exploitation flicks had settled into the mainstream. I have no clue why my family let me watch them, but it's not like I ever lost any sleep, or thought there were monsters in my closet, so I guess it was cool. I was a weird kid. 

So when I first saw the trailer for the show, I knew it was right up my alley. And, I enjoyed it. I might even watch it again. There are some elements that are kinda hackneyed, but the character development did it for me, there were enough twists to keep it interesting, and it was visually arresting. I'm looking forward to season 2, and might even watch the first season again at some point, in the background, while making dinner.

When the show got going, I did what many of us have likely done, and began wondering how *I* would do in the Squid Game if I were a participant.

(Well, the FIRST thing I did was pull up a currency converter to see just how much 45.6 billion won is. Not as much as you’d think, but still, not chump change.)

Anyway. How I THINK I would do:

(Needless to say, spoilers ahead, just in case you're on of the 456 people who haven't seen this show yet.)

Game One: Red Light, Green Light. I don’t know what the big fuss was about, and I honestly don’t know why so many of the players were eliminated in the first round. I used to rock that game on the playground. Seriously, as a participant, I was brutally efficient, and could stop on a dime. Not sure if that can be said anymore… Inertia is a bitch, and there’s a bit more cause for forward momentum now than there was when I was, like, seven. But still. The essentials don’t change. You just gotta make sure that your feet are solidly planted on the ground in front of you at all times, big steps, always anchor with your front leg, so you don’t get caught off guard. Child’s play.

(Side note: as the caller, I was RUTHLESS. The key was to lure the strongest players into a false sense of security, and go easy on them early, ignoring their early stumbles. Then, when they’re thiiiiis close, DeStRoY ThEm.)

Didn't know they played this game in South Korea, by the way. So, that's kinda fun. 

Player 420 advances to the next round.

Game Two: The Sugar Thing. So, this is obvs a Korean snack food that a lot of us have never heard of. You melt some sugar, flatten it, and stick a little shape in it. Looks yummy! So removing that center piece… I’ve got to be honest with you, I would’ve been one of those turds who was just trying to scrape away at it with a needle. I definitely would’ve picked the triangle, just because my gut would’ve said to keep it simple. So I probably would’ve been OK. I would not of thought of the licking part, which was pretty brilliant for those umbrella folks.

Player 420 advances to the next round.

Game Three: Tug-of-War. Women have stronger legs than dudes, overall, and Lord knows I’ve built up some pretty hefty back muscles. Plus, I figure I would’ve been chosen by the team of super macho guys who, even in the face of death, we’re still looking for the opportunity to jam an elbow into Olga. Plus, I’ve got strong baker/gardener/Lana Kane hands.

Player 420 advances to the next round.

Game Four: Marbles. I am an Xennial, which means that I had an analog youth, and a digital adulthood. So unlike those dastardly young'uns of today, I remember passing otherwise boring afternoons with old-school games. And, I used to be pretty good with marbles. 

Draw a circle in the ground, toss your marble, if you knock it out, you get to keep it, and keep your marble, too. The charm of marbles is that there are infinite variations on how you can use 10 of the things, which I think the show explored pretty well. I liked that throw-them-in-the-hole game. My Hail Mary play, in that case, would have been to team up with one of my tug-of-war cronies, and try to distract his concentration with a mile or so of cleavage. I’m fairly certain that playing topless wouldn’t have been against the rules, either.

Player 420 advances to the next round.

Game Five: That Glass Bridge Thing. I didn’t know what was coming up, but again, my gut said to go with number 14 or 15. Not 16, because something about being on the very end of that number spectrum just kind of shouted elimination to me. So when it came around to the game, I probably would’ve just sat back and let everybody do the hard part so I didn’t have to.

Buuuut... here's the thing. I’m not terribly sure about how the giant leaps from plate to plate would’ve worked out. See the aforementioned note about inertia and momentum, and I’m not sure those green tracksuits came with a supportive sports bra in my size. I would’ve been that asshat who contributed nothing to the game, and just hopped along, only to stumble on panel number… Nine, or something, before just floppin’ all over the place, losing my balance, and falling to my death. A big ol' splat for yours truly.

Plus, as has been attested about me, I HATE heights, and I’ve been known to get some pretty heavy-duty vertigo. (Astrid, you bitch: I KNOW you’re thinking about that wall… she makes fun of me. I dunno, ask her.)

This was my favorite game, though. I thought it was super clever, and it was fun to look at.

Player 420 is eliminated.

Game Six: Hey, That's the Name of the Show! Which is probably for the best, because as outrageously fun as the literal squid game looks (seriously, it’s like hopscotch had a lovechild with A Clockwork Orange), I don’t think I would’ve figured out the rules in time. Definitely wouldn’t’ve have been able to maintain that one-foot thing, and there’s a lot of me to grab onto before I make it to the squid’s head.

But, that’s the point of squid game. You dive in, not knowing the rules. I’m proud of myself for probably making it to the last 16 of 456. I know, this ain’t horseshoes (maybe season 2?), but hey. That’s not nothin’.

Where do you think you would have been eliminated? I’m curious. Leave it in the comments.

Soooo….. Shifting gears. What’s with these fuckin’ mask pics, you might be asking?

It might be immediately familiar to some of you. For those of you who have no idea, it’s supposed to represent Salvador Dali, the Spanish absurdist artist. See, back before Squid Game became the most popular show ever on Netflix, there was another show called La Casa de Papel, or as it was known to international audiences, Money Heist. I think it was the most popular non-English language TV series ever on Netflix, for a while there. And it’s SOLID, good, trashy FUN. Long story short, there’s this enigmatic brainiac who goes by “The Professor,“ (so hot) and he recruits a band of thieves, Ocean’s Eleven style (I LOVE me a good heist story). Part of it is so they can all get rich, another part of it is a commentary on class, all that jazz. Nobody knows anybody's real name, so they all refer to themselves by chosen city names (Tokyo, Oslo, Nairobi, etc), so it's kinda stylized. There are hostages, police negotiations, and just when the chips are down and you think this gang of antiheroes is finished, ah-ha! Backup plan! It's cool.

Anyway, while they’re robbing the bank, they all wear these red hooded jumpsuits, and these cheap plastic Dali masks (which are now all the rage in Spain. They sell them in souvenir shops… shit, they even put them on socks.)

Wait a second… All right. If any of my faithful subscribers are producers looking for that next big TV show idea… remember that line from back to the future? “Well, listen to this!”

Jumpsuits with red hoods, and everybody dressed in mysterious, slightly off-putting masks. Check.

An overarcing commentary on the subtle decline of capitalism and wealth disparity, as well as how anti-capitalism has been transformed into a means through which we no longer reevaluate the purpose of such a socioeconomic structure, but only use it to undermine the most catastrophic elements of such a system, thereby enabling it to last longer. Check.

A cast of literally nameless antihero characters (I already mentioned I would be No. 420 in SG, easy, or a squareface because of my coooold calculation); In La Casa de Papel… it would be a tossup between “Havana” or “Caracas.” Both are sexy.) Check.

Production in a foreign country. I'm thinking, and hear me out here: Maldives. No reason in particular, but it's really pretty, and I hear the people are super-friendly, and it's been ages since I've had good seafood, and I want to go. They speak... Dhivehi there (thanks, Wikipedia), so I guess we're gonna have to work on wrangling up some Indo-Aryan translators for post production. There are... oh, shit, about a half-a-million people living there, so we can get way more than enough to hold a solid audition. Check.

An enormous sum of money involved. The exchange rate between the U.S. dollar and the Maldivian Rufiya is... about 15-to-1. Sorry, South Korea, but that's a lot easier for international audiences to figure out than 1,744-to-1. Check.

I'm sure there are others, but you see what I'm getting at, right? There's a formula here, and we can all get rich!!! Rich, I tells ya!!!

I can even toss in some blue meth, a few zombies, a dragon or three, and set some scenes in 1960s New York if that’d sweeten the deal. Maybe we can even get Evan Rachel Wood-love-to on board.

Anyway. If you wanna talk green-lighting, I can get you a pilot by the time sweeps rolls around, and all I ask is 5% off the backend, 10% of international distribution, and 10 points on merchandising. Call me.

But, the TL;DR (too late?) It’s Halloween-time, and I like gritty shit, so it’s been a good year for binging. What better occasion to play a little stupid drunken dress-up with a ridiculous mask that Astrid insisted I buy for €2 at a souvenir shop?

Bella Ciao, y’all. A lot of us didn't have Halloween last year, so I know a bunch of you are probably looking forward to this weekend. If you have some plans, have a great time, don' t drink and drive, and stay spooky.