Sexually Harassing Heroes (Patreon)

"Ah...! It hurts! It hurts!" His mind felt like it was about to crack. Was everyone's death as horrifyingly painful as his? "Help! Anyone, put the fire out!" Why didn't it end...? When would he be granted the sweet release of oblivion?

Perhaps this was his punishment. Punishment for carelessly taking so many lives. Punishment for failing to help so many lives. Punishment for failing his beloved, Deirdre. Punishment for failing his sister. Punishment for failing his father. For... for failing his son.

He could only hope Arvis would one day burn right by his side.

"Wow, you alright dude?" It was strange, as soon as that mysterious voice reached his ears, the pain stopped. "There's no fire, you're just rolling on the floor like a maniac..." It was... the voice of a woman. A young woman.

She grumbled to herself. "Just my luck, I was aiming for a cute little Tepig or something, and I got a nutjob instead..."

Sigurd finally dared to look at her.

He had never seen a woman so strange. Her hair was... blonde, but it looked unnatural, clearly dyed. Her skin was very tanned, and her... facial features looked different from what he was used to. She was clearly from another land.

And that wasn't all. She wasn't... wasn't wearing very modest clothes. He could even see her exposed belly! And she was showing quite a lot of leg... how indecent. However, one would probably focus more on the fact that she wore many, many accessories.

They were all very attention grabbing, the types of things he had never seen. What truly stood out for him however was the weird pair of glasses atop of her head. Why were their lenses pink? Why were they heart shaped? Her nails too were strange. They were long, very long. And decorated all over with hearts and stars and all manner of symbols.

So in other words, Sigurd had finally seen a woman who had surpassed Deirdre in the exotic department, though she was nowhere near as beautiful.

And since his pain had stopped as soon as she had talked, he came to the only reasons conclusion. "Are you a goddess...?" Here to relieve him of his sin perhaps?

The girl snorted. "I wanna say yes, 'cause ya know... but I also don't want to risk you being cuckoo and actually believing it." The girl crouched near him. "I'm the warrior of a goddess though." Ah. Close enough.

Sigurd sat up, putting a hand on his head, trying to alleviate the pain. "I see... then I am dead, am I not?" That's why the pain had stopped. He was in the afterlife. And due to his deeds, the gods had seen fit to greet him with a warrior.

Even if she didn't look like it. Seriously, the girl didn't have any muscle on her body. She was also a bit young...

She tilted her head. "Nope, not dead. Trust me, the afterlife is a lot more empty than this..." So... he wasn't dead? "Wait a minute. I totally saved you from some shit, didn't I?"

Sigurd slowly tried to process this whole thing. "You... saved me?" He finally took the time to look around, and realized something very important.

This place was no afterlife. He was in a alleyway. A dirty, common alleyway.

The girl nodded. "Probably. My goddess granted power lets me summon... things. I guess you lucked out! Poggers!" What did that mean?

No, nevermind that. He understood the situation.

This woman had an ability granted by divinity to summon people, and so she had accidentally summoned Sigurd. Essentially, she was a power user of warp. Apparently that had also put a stop to his fiery demise, saving him from Arvis.

Only him. How... cruel.

But still... but still...!

The girl gasped. "Wow, you're getting all teary eyed." She smiled... was she sure she wasn't a goddess? "I guess you gain another chance at life! You owe me. Repay it by swearing loyalty to my adorbs self!" She was already asking for payment!?

That was only fair, he supposed.

Sigurd took a deep breath. "I... Forgive me, my lady. I need sometime." If he was alive then he could... could save Deirdre. He could pay this girl back after that.

She pouted. "Aight, lameoid." She rolled her eyes, and mumbled to herself. "Ugh, did I really have to start with Mr. I can fix him?" He chose to ignore that weird comment. He could not comprehend the language of the divine it seemed.

As he had asked, the chosen one gave him sometime alone.

Sigurd gathered his thoughts and got up. He walked towards the girl, who was using the walls of the alleyway to rest her back...

She smirked at him. "Done with the moping, bro?"

He hesitantly nodded. "Yes...? I believe I am." He bowed. "Allow me to apologize for my lack of decorum. I know I have not been as courteous as one should be to their savior." In the end this was a true miracle.

Sigurd had been given a chance to set things right. He would do so, and after that had been accomplished... he would begin repaying his debt. As it was just.

She casually waved him. "It's cool, it's cool! Heck, I am the one who has to apologize... it's clear you have been going through some tough stuff." She jumped away from the wall, and put a hand to her chest. "Anyways, let me introduce my cute self...!"

She... winked at him? "The name's Yuuma Abe! But since you're tall, muscular and all that, you get to just call me Yuyu." She clearly tried to make the nickname sound as cute as possible.

A awkward smile appeared on his face. "A fine name... Lady Yuyu." It felt strange calling her that, but she had saved his life... "I am Sigurd of Chalphy. Forever I am in your debt my lady."

The girl giggled. "Oh, it feels good to hear a guy say that...!" She put her hands on her hips. "You totally have some massive knightly rizz, Siggy." Rizz? Siggy?

More importantly... why didn't she seemed surprised at all by his title? It was almost as if didn't even know about it. Which was unlikely for a person living in Jugdral, especially considering his achievements.

No, he shouldn't think about that right now. "However, before I repay anything... I have something I must do, Lady Yuyu. You see, I must settle some... business." He had to defeat Arvis. Save Deirdre.

He had no army. No funds. No equipment. Nothing. But he would pull it off somehow. He had to.

The girl looked away. "Oh yeah?"

"Yes." He owed her an explanation of course. "You see... a... wicked man..." Just thinking about it made him furious. "Has falsely called me a traitor, executed me as one." Or at least tried to. "Executed my men... captured my wife...! And no doubt he has wicked plans for my son as well!" Seliph would have no future in Arvis' world.

The girl gasped. "Wait, your wife!? Your son!? You're actually a daddy!?" The girl smirked, but Sigurd was too lost in rage to notice. "Me likey..." he didn't notice her licking her lips either.

Sigurd continued. "Which is why I am must make haste back home as fast as possible, my lady! I truly apologize for it, but the entire continent is in peril!" Yes, this wasn't just about himself. Many lives were in danger. "After it, I swear to pay my debt."

He couldn't help, but wonder what the divine woukd ask of him. Well, with his holy blood he was sure to be of some use.

The girl played with her hair. "Well... I get ya." She did? Great! "Like... I totes get ya, there's an issue though..." His heart stopped beating.

Or at least it felt like it. "Like... geez, how do I put this? You ain't on Camelot no more, my man. Look... my power has some pretty big range and basically... you ain't from this world."

He was at loss for words. "But..."

She shrugged. "Sorry, but it's better than being dead, right? You got another chance at life and all that! So let's Hakuna Matata!" Did she really have to use her weird godly words in this situation!? He didn't understand a lick of it! "In other words, forget 'bout it, Siggy. Just pray that this wicked dude chokes on his spit and dies or somethin'."

He looked down. "I... I cannot deny that being alive is better than being dead, but... I also cannot simply forget my past... my life!" He had to find a way. "And so, even though it is selfish of me, I beg of you to send me back, Lady Yuyu!" Hopefully he would not get smited for such talk.

The girl sighed. "You sure ya wanna go back...?"

Sigurd was always sure of things. It was both his greatest asset, and his greatest flaw. "Yes. Even should you send me to the very same spot where I was destined to perish, I shall face the flames." He had steeled his resolve.

The girl snorted. "Pretty sure you would just die. Please remember that you were rolling on the floor in pain a few minutes ago..." She clicked her tongue. "Though... even if you became flame immune, nothing would change."

"Sorry Siggy, I feel for you. I really do." Did she have tears in her eyes...? How... kind. "But I can't send people back. Oopsie." Why did the tears suddenly disappear as if they were never there in the first place!?

He almost fell to his knees. "You cannot...?" She nodded. "That's..." In the end, his resurrection was for nothing...

For once in his life Sigurd felt completely lost.

In the past he had always something to do. A place to go. A place to attack. A place to defend. Now however, he had nothing. No orders. No plans. No path forward. Sigurd may still live, but for Jugdral he might as well be dead.

He needed something. Just a glimmer of hope to latch onto...! Even if he was extremely difficult, he swore he would follow it and cut a path to a happy ending for everyone, so...!

The girl cleared her throat. "Welp, I can't do it right now at least." Huh? "Hey Siggy, let me offer you a deal! And it's totally gonna be a great one, so no need to read the fine print." He never did that anyways.

"But before I explain the deal, have you wondered why I have the power to summon stuff? This power ain't candy, the goddess wouldn't hand it out without good reason." Now that she said it...

Sigurd frowned. "I simply assumed that the matters of the divine are beyond my understanding." And he was also pretty distracted over the whole my entire group of friends just burned to death thing.

She raised a finger. "Here's the reason. The goddess gave it to me so that I may defeat a cancer upon this world... the Demon King. As you can tell by the name, he's a pretty big problem, and also probably a incel." More divine language...!

Ignoring her divine words, a Demon King was obviously huge trouble. This world was undoubtedly in danger, enough that a goddess had decided to intervene... He wondered if Jugdral would receive the same helping hand if the worst came to pass.

Lady Yuyu puffed up her chest. "So I shall march forward and defeat the Demon King with my new ability...! And let me clarify, I'm new to this. I have zero experience with combat of any kinds." She looked at her nails. "The most I ever did was slap a bitc-, a girl or two."

Sigurd's jaw hit the floor. The goddess had chosen a inexperienced girl as her champion!? One meant to save the world!?

She continued unbothered by Sigurd's thoughts. "And I imagine this Demon King fella is pretty strong. I don't think anybody would be shocked if he torned my body into two, had my upper half for breakfast, and then my lower half for dinner."

The girl dramatically sighed. "The universe would lose its most adorable gal... And I would never get the chance of actually mastering my ability. So even if I could send someone back... Welp, I guess I'll never know."

"If only there was a big, towering knight to protect this damsel-in-distress... Then maybe I could survive the trials of this journey, and grow into a fine heroine." What the deal was, was now obvious.

Sigurd grit his teeth. "That's... how long do you think it would take to defeat the Demon King, Lady Yuyu?" He didn't have much time...

She shrugged. "Dunno. For all I know we can kill this guy tomorrow... or maybe it could take years. Or maybe it could never happen. It's up to whatever charming knight wants to be my shield... and my sword. The latter is more important."

Sigurd gulped. "Is this Demon King, but a lone monster who rampages around? Or does he possess an army?"

Yuyu groaned out of frustration. "He's a king. Of course he has an army." She crossed her arms. "And from what I heard it's quite a big one. He has a bunch of legendary demonic generals or whatever." She giggled. "What a bunch of nerds!"

But Sigurd had lost himself yet again, he was not paying attention.

He clenched his fists. This would be no hunt for a beast, it would be a war campaign. He would need to raise an army, or at least join whatever army this world had. And then he would have to face hordes of demons who probably utilized strange tactics.

And the scariest part of it all... He would have do so without relying on his nobility. No one knew who he was here after all, being a descendant of a crusader meant nothing. He would have to rise as a commoner.

And all for the uncertain chance that Lady Yuyu would learn how to warp him back to his homeland.

Where he would have to raise another army. While being known as a traitor... And he had to do it fast as well, before all was lost. It all sounded completely and utterly impossible. The type of thing that would sound farfetched even in legends of old.

Sigurd kneeled. "Lady Yuyu, I would like to take this deal." He would make the impossible possible. For all his comrades, for Deirdre, for Seliph.

Besides, he had a divine champion by his side. One who would presumably summon worthy allies as the war effort progressed. And even if he was a unknown, his holy blood still counted for something. He was far stronger than the average man.

Lady Yuyu put a finger up to her lips. "For realsies? Awesome! It's glad to have you aboard Siggy! But... there's something I have to make very clear. Are ya willing to obey me?"

He nodded without hesitation. "Due to your lack of experience, I shall try my best to guide and teach you. However, you will naturally always give the final say, my lady." He was far better at obeying orders than giving them anyways.

She hummed, clearly pleased. "Good, good, I'm glad you understand the pecking order. You would have totally been a popular student back in my world." She chuckled. "Or maybe a popular teacher. You're so daddy, but like... a clueless one...! Rawwr!" Did she just...?

He tilted his head. "I am indeed a father..."

She gave him a light chop in the head. "Yeah, I know." And then she muttered to herself. "If the kid is cute he might get the X step-mom treatment..." It was at this point that Sigurd had decided he had been right before.

The dealings of the divine were indeed beyond his comprehension.

"Anyways... Here's the first rule, Siggy." She scowled. "None of this speedrun shit, got it?" He did not got it, and that was clear on his face. Also, women should not swear, much less holy women. "And by that I mean, don't go rushing to kill the Demon King."

He raised an eyebrow. "Um... what?" Wasn't that the obvious thing to do?

The girl huffed. "Like... I get that you have some Game of Thrones BS going back home, but don't think that justifies throwing my life away. If I ever get a whiff that you're being needlessly reckless, then I will..." Smite him?

"Cry. I'll cry alot. There ain't much I can do to a hunky individual such as yourself after all. Do you wanna make a girl cry, Shiggy? Especially since she will probably die right after it?"

He shook his head. "Trust me, I shall never let tears run down your face due to negligence from my part. I assure you and give you my word of it as a noble, a knight, and a man." He got up.

He should have seen this coming. Back in his world many people had complete trust in him, for he had proven his mettle. The chosen one had never seen him do anything worthy of praise however, in fact all she had seen was a madmen rolling on the floor.

He gently took her hands. They felt fragile and small... even more so than Deirdre's. "I promise that no harm shall ever come to you. I will protect you from rain and sword, my lady." As he should have done for Deirdre.

He would make sure to keep an eye on Lady Yuyu. At all times.

The girl blushed. "Dude, are you hitting on me? Oh my gosh! Even though you're married~!" What did his beloved have to do with this?

Nonetheless... "My apologies, after making such promises, I ignorantly went ahead and hurt your delicate hands!" Had he pressed them too tightly? Damn his holy blood!

"Siggy... That's adorbs."



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AN: Dildo Alm timeline.