Midnight Pals: A New Scam (Patreon)

L Ron Hubbard: hey friends its me again, your old pal Honest Ron

Poe: what's your scam this time ron

Hubbard: i'm hurt, friend, hurt!

Hubbard: i'm just an honest merchant, a purveyor of quality goods, services, and occasional religions!

Poe: ron every time you come here you've got some new scam

Poe: we're not falling for it again

Poe: right guys?

King: that's right

Koontz: yeah!

Barker: we're not that stupid

Lovecraft: not this time ron!

Hubbard: well i just happen to have this machine that'll put a star on your belly

Hubbard: are you feeling blue, friend? melancholy? down in the dumps?

Hubbard: [holding colander] listen friends i got the cure for what ails you

Poe: how does it work?

Hubbard: you just put it on your head and, bzzt, presto!

Hubbard: all your thetans are cleared out!

Hubbard: i'll demonstrate for ya

Hubbard: i just need a volunteer from the audience

Hubbard: you, sir!

Hubbard: now you you've never seen me before right?

Jack Parsons: uh yes that is correct

Poe: then how come his face is on the colander?

Hubbard:

Parsons:

Hubbard: you're the worst shill I've ever seen, parsons!

Hubbard: you're a disgrace to whole patent religion business!

Hubbard: this isn't working, i need a new scam

Hubbard: hmm what's this AI thing I've been hearing about

Hubbard: step right up, step right up

Hubbard: are you tired of the rat race? tired of always writing stories using boring old human ingenuity?

Hubbard: is your writing too sparkling? too vital? too inspired?

Hubbard: well i got the cure for you right here

Hubbard: an endless fire hose of tasteless gray slurry

Poe: how does it work?

Hubbard: it's simple!

Hubbard: [readying hose] just open wide

Hubbard: take a spin on our patented, bona fide, genuine AI chat bot and you'll agree: I'll never read human-produced art again!

Margaret Atwood: [under cardboard box, through vocoder] beep boop plagiarism-o-tron lives

Hubbard: soon all the publishers will be using plagiarism-o-tron

Hubbard: archaic things like human writers will be a thing of the past!

Poe: no one will want to read this garbage!

Hubbard: thats ok, human readers will be a thing of the past too!

Hubbard: just robots writing for robots

Hubbard: with this new genuine, bona fide AI you'll never have to pay a writer EVER again--

Harlan Ellison: [instantly appears, smashes plagiarism-o-tron with one blow] HARLAN SMASH!!!

Hubbard: okay okay i can take a hint

Hubbard: seems you folks don't like AI

Hubbard: don't worry, don't worry, i got a million of 'em

Hubbard: how bout some beanie babies? pokeman cards? princess diana commemorative plates?