Midnight Pals: Spicy (Patreon)

JD Barker: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the bad app
JD Barker: it's a spicy story about an app that you download on your phone
JD Barker: but this app
JD Barker: is a little
JD Barker: spicy

JD Barker: boy let me tell you
JD Barker: it's tough to get word out about a new book these days
King: tell me about it!
King: i keep posting but nothing's making a dent!
King: there's got to be a better way!
JD Barker: there is!

JD Barker: i've got a fool proof way to generate publicity for a book
King: oh? well, don't just stand there -- tell us!
JD Barker: ok, you guys ready for this?
JD Barker: might want to get a pen ready to write this down
JD Barker: cuz this is gonna be
JD Barker: a little spicy

Clive Barker: hey before you say anything, i just wanna remind everyone i am a different person
Clive Barker: just really feelin' the need to get out in front and say that

JD Barker: so here's my idea
JD Barker: you get booktok influencers to take off their clothes
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Clive Barker:
Koontz:
JD Barker: cuz this book is SPICY!

Koontz: [writing down] "you get booktok influ-"
Poe: no no dean
Poe: don't write that down
Koontz: but he said
Poe: it's ok dean just shh
Poe: don't worry about it

Angela Carter: you're going to -- !!!
Carter: wow
Carter: of all the blatantly misogynistic
Carter: exploitative
JD Barker: [tugging collar] uh oh!
Carter: predatory
Carter: sexist
JD Barker: [tugging intensifies]

JD Barker: or you could get them to do a video answering the question "what's the craziest place you ever had sex?"
JD Barker: any questions?
Mary Shelley: hey i got SEVERAL fuckin questions
JD Barker: [tugging collar] uh oh!
Shelley: you say you're paying for this?
Angela Carter: mary, no
Shelley: shut up this is easy money

JD Barker: oh yeah, we're gonna pay the big bucks to get spicy
JD Barker: like, maybe $100
Mary Shelley: oh fuck off

JD Barker: wow listen turns out there's been a little mistake
JD Barker: a real whoopsie doodle
JD Barker: you're gonna laugh
Carter: yeah? try me
JD Barker: ha ha
JD Barker: [tugging collar] ohhh

JD Barker: this was all just a misunderstanding
JD Barker: see, this wasn't my idea
JD Barker: it was the PR firm i hired
Carter: then guess i need to talk to the head of that firm
JD Barker: [collar tugging intensifies]

JD Barker: [wearing hot dog suit] look we're all just trying to find out who did this