Midnight Pals: Edgy Comedy (Patreon)

Oscar Wilde: [wearing sunglasses & tight black crewneck T, smoking cigarette] hey
Poe: new look, oscar?
Wilde: that's right, jerkface
Poe: Whoa oscar
Poe: that's uncalled for
Wilde: too bad hockeypuck!!

Wilde: i got a whole new act
Wilde: no one liked my bon mots
Wilde: so i'm rebranding
Wilde: i'm a fearless truth teller now

Wilde: [ripping black tape away from mouth] i'm a fearless truth teller
Wilde: i'm sayin' what everyone's thinkin now!
Wilde: and you know what they say
Wilde: the only thing worse than saying what everyone's thinking is not saying what everyone's thinking

Wilde: this ain't your dad's comedy!
Wilde: some of these bon mots might be
Wilde: a little spicy
Wilde: but i'm a comedian
Wilde: that's my job [giant animated red stamp appears across screen saying 'Too Hot for TV!!']

Wilde: some of these jokes might not be PC
Wilde: they might make you uncomfortable
Wilde: they might upset you
Wilde: they might make you have a really bad time
Wilde: but that's what comedy is all about
Wilde: just absolutely not enjoying yourself
Wilde: and feeling real bad

Wilde: but seriously folks
Wilde: how about that marginalized group? [rimshot]
Wilde: they sure are bad! [rimshot]
Poe: oh no
Barker: oh no
King: oh no
Koontz: oh no
Lovecraft: no wait let's hear this out

Poe: oh oscar
Poe: oh oscar you're better than this
Poe: what happened to you
Poe: you were the wittiest man in europe
Poe: and now you're doing this?

Wilde: look this is what people want to hear
Wilde: and i am a fearless truth teller telling people the hard truths that they really desperately want to hear
Lovecraft: do you have jokes about italians?
Lovecraft: they've had it too good too long

Wilde: whoa if you came here for jokes about italians you came to the wrong comedy show
Wilde: those garlic eating spaghetti eaters
Poe: oscar
Poe: oscar this is beneath you
Lovecraft: ha ha! i don't what the problem is, he's killing up there!

Wilde: here's a joke the PC police don't want you to hear
Wilde: italians
Dario Argento:
Mario Bava:
Lucio Fulci:
Wilde: tough crowd
Wilde: don't worry oscar, you still got your ace
Wilde: oh did i offend you? did i offend you? are you offended by my fearless truth telling?

Wilde: as a comedian, it's my job to tell truth to power
Barker: your job is to be funny!
Wilde: my bon mots actually have layers of meaning, if you think about it
Barker: try being funny!
Wilde: i..i..

Wilde: oh  god what am i doing
Wilde: what have i become
Wilde: it's not me! none of this is me!
Wilde: it's this damn shirt! [tearing off tight black crewneck T]
Wilde: this damn shirt got inside my head, man!

Wilde: i never wanted to be like this!
Wilde: i don't have what it takes to be edgy!
Wilde: i'm just a lousy pundit who punctures staid victorian mores with my trenchent bon mots and fucks dudes!!
Poe: well that's all still kind of edgy
Poe: in a different way
Wilde: what

Wilde: really?
Poe: yes oscar
Poe: turns out you were edgy this whole time
Poe: and you didn't have to change a thing

Wilde: white people drive like this, but black people drive like this
Arthur Machen: white people?
Wilde: no no not like THOSE white people
Wilde: i mean like
Wilde: white people

Koontz: gosh what's happening?
Koontz: is there a different kind of white people?
Machen: oh you wouldn't get it, dean
Machen: i'm talking some real Lebor Gabála Érenn hours
Todd Keisling: oh yeah i know this from that horslips album