Midnight Pals: The Monkey's Paw (Patreon)

WW Jacobs: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the monkey's paw
Jacobs: it's about a monkey paw that grants wishes
King: sounds great!
Jacobs: no it's not
Jacobs: it's really bad actually

Jacobs: see, the thing is the monkey's paw grants wishes IRONICALLY
Jacobs: like a real asshole genie or something

Jacobs: there's this british couple and they use it to wish for money, but then their son dies in a horrible industrial accident and they get the insurance money
Jacobs: and then they wish he was still alive
Jacobs: but he comes back all fucked up

Jacobs: so they use their last wish to wish he was dead again
Koontz: why didn't they just wish that he was back just the same as when he was alive?
Barker: yeeeah
Barker: dean's got a point
Barker: yeah why DIDN'T they?

Jacobs: that's not the way it works
Jacobs: you can't just trick a monkey's paw
King: i don't know, i think they're on to something
King: it's really just a problem with not being specific enough, isn't it?
King: like if you just worded it right
Jacobs: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS

Jacobs: you can't trick a monkey's paw!
Barker: why not? i'm smarter than a monkey
Poe: can we please stop talking about monkeys
Barker: oh i forgot, edgar's afraid of monkeys
Poe: I am NOT afraid of monkeys
Barker: sorry, i meant apes
Poe: I'm not afraid of apes either!!

King: you know what this reminds me of? my favorite cormoran strike book. have you guys read any cormoran strike?
Barker: oh jesus here we go again
Barker: i WISH something would free me from listening to this again!
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyy stephano king!
Barker:

Musk: eyyyy stephano king mi amigo ey?
King: we're not friends elon
Musk: si si musk and king, we-a real bambinos ey!
King: don't you have some kids to raise or something, elon?
Musk: MY KID ISSA DEAD
Musk: THATA MEANS YOU ALLA HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME

Musk: my kid issa dead
Barker: that's not what i hear, she's roasting your ass on threads
Musk: mama mia!
Barker: and turns out she's really good at posting
Barker: are you sure she's actually YOUR kid?
King: she must take after her mother

Musk: mama mia they trick me into signing consent form for puberty blockers!!!
Barker: how do they trick you into signing a consent form
Musk:
Barker: do you not have reading comprehension?
Musk: they hide it in a big pile of ketamine!
Musk: itsa no fair!

Musk: eyyy why my kid no like-a me?
Barker: is it because you're an absentee father who turned twitter into a chud echo chamber specifically to bully her?
Musk:
Musk: no
Musk: issa because da woke mind virus
Musk: ima da smartest man inna da world!

Musk: why you no like me? issa cuz you all gotta da woke mind virus?
Poe: elon calm down
Barker: yes elon that's right, everything's the woke mind virus
Poe: don't say that clive, you're going to get him riled up
Musk: mama mia!!!

Musk: i never stop fighting da woke mind virus!
Musk: ima da smartest man inna da world!
[immediately smashes into the side of a cliff painted to look like a tunnel]