Midnight Pals: the beard is blue (Patreon)

Anna Biller: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of bluebeard's castle
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers?
Shelley: you telling a gothic story here?
Biller: it's not gothic, it just uses classic story telling elements of gothic
Biller: it's its own original thing
Shelley: oh yeah yeah i'll be the judge of that
Shelley: seein' as i invented gothic and all
Biller: it's not gothic, it just uses classic-

Biller: it's not like angela's bluebeard story
Biller: very different
Biller: but let me explain angela's story in detail
Biller: blow by blow
Biller: for pages

Biller: this woman goes to a spooky secluded manor
Biller: like daphne du maurier's rebecca
Biller: with a brooding aristocratic husband
Biller: like Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights!
Biller: and she has a sweet heavenly voice
Biller: like urkel!

Biller: this part of my story is a reference to Jane Eyre
Biller: you guys might not have heard of it, its pretty obscure
Biller: don't worry, i'll just grind the story to a halt so that i can describe jane eyre
Biller: and this bit is a reference to dracula
Barker: oh my god its like gothic ernest kline
Poe: clive, be nice

Biller: anyway eventually she kinda just putters around until her brooding husband poisons her
Biller: and there was nothing she could do to avoid it
Biller: real girl boss hours

Shelley: what, she just gets poisoned?
Shelley: couldn't be me
Shelley: if i was there, i would have shivved that bastard but good
Biller: UM no actually
Biller: that wouldn't work!
Biller: there's a whole concluding chapter about how stupid you, the reader, are for thinking she escape
Shelley: rip to her but i'm different

Biller: so what do you think?
Mary Shelley: i like the bit where you just repeated angela's version
Poe: clive
Poe: no wait i mean
Poe: mary
Angela Carter: no no i can see why she might like that part

Biller: the important thing about my work is to know that women and men should stay in their lanes and follow the strict rules of their gender
Patricia Highsmith: poison's a broad's thing
Biller: excuse me?!
Highsmith: that's how a dame does a murder
Highsmith: a real man does a murder with his hands
Biller:
Highsmith: or a boat oar

Highsmith: see, my ripley-
Biller: oh god again with the ripley
Biller: always with your OC patricia! we're all tired of hearing about your OC!
Shelley: no patricia's right, killing a guy with a boat oar is cool
Shelley: poison's sissy shit

Shelley: i like how ripley does all those murders
Shelley: fucker's got style
Highsmith: that's what i've been saying!

Anna Biller: see, Bluebeard's castle is all about how men are men (evil) and women are women (stupid)
Biller: as opposed to the love witch, which was about how men are men (stupid) and women are women (evil)