Midnight Pals: Bluebeard (Patreon)

Anna Biller: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of bluebeard's castle
Biller: it's about a woman trapped at a secluded castle under the thumb of a mysterious and dangerous nobleman with dark family secerts
Biller: but with a feminist twist
Biller: the twist is gender essentialism

Angela Carter: that's hardly feminist, anna
Carter: now, when i retold bluebeard-
Biller: oh you say that now angela
Biller: but i got a secret weapon no woman can resist
Biller: detailed lists of luxury fashion brands

Biller: did i mention this lady has a prada hat, a valentino dress, and dior boots?
Biller: chanel, armani, versace
Biller: those names won't mean anything to you men
Biller: but to us ladies
Biller: oh damn phewww is it hot in here or is it just me?

Biller: in fact, girls, i feel the sudden need...
Biller: to go SHOPPING!!!
Tabitha King: shopping!!!?!
Sonia Greene: eeeee!! shopping!??!!
Angela Carter: shopping!?!?
Biller: we're all going to the mall!!!!

Patricia Highsmith: ugh pass
Biller: what's the matter, patricia? no interest in a girls night out?
Biller: i think
Biller: someone needs a make-over!!!

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Shelley: what's this, you tellin a gothic story?
Biller: what? it's not gothic!
Biller: it's simply a novel that makes use of class story telling techniques of brooding fear, isolation, and dark secrets
Biller: and if you think that makes it gothic
Biller: well i just don't know WHAT to tell you

Shelley: so it's not a gothic story?
Biller: no it simply makes use of classic techniques
Shelley: is this like how the love witch wasn't a pastiche
Biller: IT'S NOT A FUCKIN PASTICHE
Shelley: it's a pastiche
Biller: SHUT UP!!
Biller: whatever happened to sister solidarity!?

Biller: now my work asks, why do women stay with abusive men?
Angela Carter: interesting
Biller: could it be because it's kinda hot?
Carter:
Carter: uhhh

Angela Carter: but anna! what about feminism?!
Biller: don't criticize me!
Biller: i did it for YOU, all for you!!
Biller: sure, your guilty feminist conscience may force you to dote on sensitive new age guys but you know deep down you secretly long for a hot-tempered he-man to slap you around, pull your hair, and rule you like a king!!!

Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro
Lee: i'm gonna tame this filly
Barker: yeah good luck with that
Lee: naw naw it's cool
Lee: i like em spicy

Lee: yeah babe i getcha, i hear the love witch was a pastiche
Biller: IT'S NOT A PASTICHE
Lee: yeah it's a pastiche
Biller: IT'S NOT A FUCKIN PASTICHE!!!
Lee: [to Barker] this is called negging, bro, works every time

Biller: UGH YOU MEN
Biller: you're all the same!!
Biller: arrogant! bull-headed!
Biller: god why can't i quit you?!?