Back Bumper, 2020 (Patreon)

"Bro, looks great, huh! This here is a jacket signed by the one - the only - Maelstrom! He was a Formula 1 superstar for 33 years, which is just insane when you think most racers only last 15 or 20 years... I never actually got to meet him, he died when I was just a toddler. But the stories he left behind are legend!

He was pretty... fat, y'know - I mean, this is an XXL jacket, bro! It's really rare for an F1 driver. And dangerous, because all those cars are pretty much made with a slim guy's safety in mind! But you know what? He had almost a HUNDRED recorded accidents in his career, and he survived them all! LITERALLY runs out of his blazing car ON FIRE... and then he still gives a full interview before he's put in the ambulance.

Okay, just to drive it home - his car TUMBLES and flips and falls apart, and drives right off a cliff!! He goes missing for like two weeks. TWO WEEKS, BRO! Every newspaper is like 'WHERE IS MAELSTROM!' There's a funeral and all! And then he finally turns up - RISES from the dead! - and he's like 'Why, sonny, I landed in the garden of a monastery! I lost my memory, they had no idea who I was... but they took me in and nursed me back to health!...' WHO IS HE!!

Sure enough, they wouldn't let a guy like him race nowadays, 'cause F1 leagues are tryin'a be safe and all... Honestly, he was just bad luck on the racetrack. And sure, he never won either, so why'd they keep him? Because people BELIEVED in him. Everyone wanted to see him succeed, bro - that's why they let him race for so long! He really believed in himself, and people did too!

But yeah, he died because he got hurt after diving into a frozen pool. 69 years old, bro. What a champion."

Okay, but can I try on your jacket?

"Bro, it's priceless! I shouldn't even be wearing it right now!"