absurd update (Patreon)

Okay, ya'll ready for this? It ain't even all the crap going on but a lot of the other stuff I won't say is because I haven't been told everything and I have no idea what's going on since secrets are absolutely being kept and I'm just existing with VERY little info, atm.

So.

We all know how everything explodes at once. One thing right after the other. Last journal it's like I'm gonna live in my car and was prepping and I was looking forward to it, etc etc. Then, charges against said other person were dropped (no I'm not going into detail, it's nothing to do with me, just me offering myself to be the 'ward' of said person underage, blah blah.) So I was gonna leave regardless because the alternative was an extremely high rent I couldn't afford. Then they decided to cut it smaller. Verbal agreements and stuff. A lot of stuff that is very vague and apparently is something I probably misheard or some crap. Because it ain't like it is. Anyhoo, after some of that where people were like despite all that I should take deal and I'll have to deal with it, which, I am, though it keeps going further and further these changes, like the whole Lando and Vader altering the deal thing. Blah blah blah.At least I don't have to monitor a huge - okay probaby shouldn't say that. But I've got a lot more freedom now, I would think. It's not as much as I had planned or would like, but I'm making do with what I got.

Also, insurance never fixed our camper from the fire. They replaced the other guys, so he must have had better. Ours? Nope. Though I don't know all the details and crap, and it was never properly inspected which I don't have control over, so whatever?

Also we know car battery died. It lasted seven years, long run, but timing, you know? Then ex has kids come over with blankets and stuffed animals. That's normally fine.

Except apparently they had fleas really bad. So. I had to make sure THAT was not transferred including meds and lots of washing etc.

Like, there's even more then just those, but it just keeps going and going and I end up sounding whiny. Anyhoo. Today, the beast comp, the main, since I keep the laptop packed in original packaging for safe keeping, decided it's fucked. And it died. In the middle of stream that I'm able to get more into doing on a more daily basis. I can't Twitch, my net is too crappy for that. (which believe me, was a whole nother misleading issue on others parts that I trusted in.) But I can discord stream, mostly.

So. Laptop is now out and on table and I'm workin on that. Though it's not got PS on it. It's got its own issues too. It needs to stop suggesting a million things to me, among other things. So. I'm also having to learn how to use SAI. Which is fine. I actually have found I like the inking process slightly better on there then PS. Though it - OMG STOP TELLING ME ABOUT HOT KEYS FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME! - Is missing a lot of the stuff I'm used to, on PS. Though. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just dumb and can't figure it out, or what. But. I did install it as English and there- I DON'T WANT TO TRY A NEW GOD DAMN WIDGET! -  Is a lot of nonsense gobblety gook on some of it that is like.... that's not a language, even? I don't know. Either way, I swear to everything.

I'm am trying. REALLY HARD- SHUT UP ABOUT HOTKEYS! Maybe now it will I told it to stop- Back in the day I used Twitch, I had double monitors, set up with two cams for traditional and digital etc. Now I'm on one small laptop and adjusting is a thing. I've been drawing for hours trying to practice, and it's actually been okay. Just having to get through it all.

Plus now I have to pay rent, and while it's not the entire normal bill, it's still a quarter. A quarter being almost $600. So. That's in addition to what other bills I have already. I'm not sure how it's going to affect my medicaid, my kids, and my food stamps. It's all a rather huge mess. Plus there is a lot of stuff going on behind my back with the living situation that I don't know what it is. It maybe good. It maybe bad. But I'm not being informed, that's for sure. And while the abuse has lessened, it's still happening. Screaming at me, leaving extremely nasty messes (trust me, you don't want to know) that I'm stuck cleaning up.

But eh. I'm whining a lot, I feel. Anyhoo. I ain't got enough for rent, but I am working hard on trying to at least get some things worked on since having to switch computers and programs entirely. 

The GOOD news is, I was slightly prepared for a bit for this.  Certainly not entirely. But some. One of my few monthly bills I have not gotten rid of is dropbox, so I have ALL my work files on it. Everything crashes, which it did, I lost NOTHING, that is work file related, to my knowledge. Redownload and stuff? Yeah, but it's THERE. It's not fried, like what's happened many years ago. I

I was also given an option to return the laptop when I decided to stay. I didn't, because I knew if anything happened where I had to leave or the large computer were to break, I'd be SUPER FUCKED. 

........... I didn't expect it to, but wow, holy crap. Now big beast comp not work. And I certainly can't afford to get it fixed, since I ain't even got enough to pay rent, atm. So. I still have back up work comp, I'm just struggling to learn how to use or at least make it work properly with all the bells and whistles that PS6 had. 

That being said, I WAS offered by like, FOUR people to put a version of PS on the laptop. But PS is heavy, and unlike the beast comp, it does NOT have a separate extra or powerful drive to run things on. It isn't very powerful, which is why it's a back up. It's not cheap, but it's not the beast, so I did decline, for now. I am going to see about this weekend. The kids will be over but I still gotta work. The beast doesn't want to do ANYTHING and the last option to try other then taking it in, is to completely wipe it. Which, isn't a huge deal IF I CAN PUT PS back on it from someone. I'm used to PS6, so, we will see. I'm aware that there's the cloud PS, I ain't got the sub money for that, I can't even afford rent, atm. Though I do really miss after effects....

I still have the PS6 files on dropbox, too. I think. Like the installation files and what not. 

But even that there, that ENTIRE THING THERE is just a SMALL amount of the crap going on. I have so much more I ain't even putting up here. One thing after the other.

But I swear I'm doing my best, I ain't forgot peoples comms, I have mods on discord, and we have a discord comm server where we keep track of everything. People who aren't on discord we made a separate channel for and put their stuff on there privately. I owe a lot of people comms and money, but I am doing the best I can, and my mods are amazing, because they aren't getting paid and are doing it because of friendship is magic, pony.

That being said, another small thing is since neurology couldn't find CRAP on all the tests from the last two years, they gave up. So. Forcing myself to stop drinking, while it was a good exercise that helped me realize a lot of things, is like, eh? I'm drinking again for pain management since I don't get proper stuff that does. I just have to be careful about it. I also have an extremely hard time concentrating unless I've had some, too. My PTSD and issues from all the abuse the last several years has gotten really bad. Unhealthy coping? Yeah, probably, but it's something. I'm not looking to stop. I'm looking to pay what I owe, make what I owe, and get myself working to a better situation, at least. My Psych doctor is still good. My PC is less, though I have to see them next week and I need to make a list of proper talking points so I can get across what I want and MAYBE they'll listen??? And my therapist so far, the new one, hasn't really.... been that helpful. They listen. But that's about it? One of the few HUGE things I'm grateful for, is my dental the state approved. I'm not even joking. They think they may have finally finished with the root canals, for now, but I will need more in the future since my teeth genetically deteriorate rapidly. Now they're gonna work on crowns, and smaller cavities, I think. Though they've been keeping track of the costs to the insurance for me, because I wanted to know, and omg it has been INSANE. The work on my teeth that ONLY this office has done, has already totaled over 40,000$. It is INSANE. ABSOLUTELY INSANE. And it ain't just because they money hungry. They aren't. I check average pricing around. They do 3 root canals every time I came in the last 4 times. They haven't pulled ANY. AT ALL. Everyone may be mad at the state governor for the construction lasting over 20 years, but him putting dental on state medicaid, even though only 2 offices in such a huge area are doing it, and one is absolute trash, (mine is the good one, I tried the trash one first.) is absolutely making  HUGE difference in a LOT of peoples lives. At least, I hope so. It certainly has saved my mouth, that's for sure. (Remember, prices are Murican, and we suck at medical crap, we're very stupid.)

Anyhoo. *thinks* Not sure what else to complain about. I need rent money. Patreon and Kofi are always open for donations. I'm trying to learn new program so I can do work proper, I don't want to do it and it be lacking compared to before, so doing a lot of other stuff that isn't up to par or whatever. Also I'm not used to typing on this thing so I apologize if stuff gets copy and pasted in random places, like what the heck is up with that?

Despite all the everything, I'm currently in a decent mood, I guess? Yay? I'm trying, I swear, I ain't forgot bout stuff, I just am stuck with life excuses exploding in my stupid face all the time that is probably my fault for decisions I've made. Now, to continue on!