Pip Judges The World (Patreon)

Since we judged the United States purely by the states encountered on our cross-country drive at the end of last year, it's only fair that we take this thing global thanks to a recent business trip. We have the mighty nation of Finland (and the tiny portion of Britian that consists of two terminals of Heathrow)  in our sights today!

-Food goals to put in my face:

Licorice candies- Ranged from actually pretty good even though I don't like licorice (there was one kind that was a mix between licorice and a gum drop and another that was a chewy licorice coated in white chocolate powder) to a horrible monstrocity candy made by horrible monster people.

Herring for breakfast- Not bad at all. Probably way better not for breakfast though.

Rye breads and jams- Finland has this down. They know breads. They know berry jams. Good on you, Finland.

Reindeer- I'm glad I had it to say I've tried it, but I probably wouldn't go for it again. Chicken remains Earth's most magical meats.

Finland is very heavy on the mayo/aoilis. The ratio of anything on sandwich to mayo is heavily in favor of the mayo.

Airport food- I was oddly amused by the sour cream and chives flavored pretzels being labeled "Classic American Snacks" as that's something I have never seen before. British Airways has their mousse game on point though. And oddly good chicken curry for something served on a plane. British Airways, outing 90s stand-up comedians making jokes about airline food as the hacks they are.

Bilberry juice- It's the juice of having no other alternatives so it's hard to be mad at it, but it pales in comparison to the superior orange or grape. Or even apple.

-Seeing Burger Kings in other countries= kind of funny. Seeing Starbucks and Subways in other countries= kind of depressing.

-Finnish flight attendants wearing all black uniforms and putting on black leather-esq gloves in intimidating fashions makes them seem downright dangerous. Yet people still stand up before the seatbelt sign goes off. You fools are looking for a bruising.

-Finnish Wheel of Fortune- Far more Js and Ks than I'm used to.

-The Dacia "Go Duster" commercial- Horribly cheesy on its own, but not knowing what Dacia is, what the Duster is, and operating on about one hour's sleep that night, that commercial is hilarious, whether they actually licensed the Ghostbusters theme or not.

-The Helsinki airport is totally laid out like an Ikea. They make you walk through all kinds of stores and displays to get to the gates. And it's filled with all kinds of affordable wooden storage space that looks easy to assemble.

-Button operated toilets. I don't get it, but I accept it.

-I'm apparently on some kind of Homeland Security list of people to not like? Pretty much every automated passport check consisted of me being denied and forced to stand in lines to talk to people. Aaand then I got pulled from boarding a flight to receive a more in-depth screen, which included a Homeland Security dude making a rectal cavity search at my expense. It's good to know the USA is just as respectable and classy when on other continents.

-Drinking. Drinking seems like a biiig part of the nightlife here. Not really a huge deal on its own, but it leads to seeing a looot of pee (and the occassional poo) if you walk around in the morning. People seem pretty up with public urination after a night of drinking. This was made worse since it snowed quite a bit and never got warm enough for this to melt, so the yellow batches really stuck out.

-This really has nothing to do with Finland outside of Finland being several long plane rides away and movies are freely available to pass the time:

Justice League- Hey, that's a really bad movie with almost no redeemable qualities.

Death of Stalin- Meh, turned it off after thirty minutes.

Thor Ragnarok- I mean, it's better than Thor 1 and 2, but that's really not saying much. Marvel movies seem made to be watched on planes. Nothing meaningful actually happens and they're entirely forgettable to not take up any mental space or concern for your trip, but you're vaguely aware that about two hours have gone by when they're done? None of the characters were interesting and most of the jokes followed the same "build up to something exciting but then undercut it" formula that it just got tedious. There was already so little to care about that the constant "disappointment is the joke" moments just made me check out. The only scene that felt like it had any weight was the introduction of the Hulk, but that appeared in all of the trailers so it just felt like it could have been way more meaningful than it turned out being. 

IT- Seems like a bad idea to watch it when trapped in a small space and building up your insomnia, but it's more corny than actually scary? Super disappointing.

The Shape of Water- If you fast forward through any scene without the bad guy, commies, or fish man monster, it becomes far more enjoyable. It kind of fails to make its two main non-bad guy, commie, or fish man monster leads remotely interesting. It's one of those stories that tries to make you care about its leads by telling you to like them rather than actually giving you a reason to. The main character's coworker was more interesting than the actual main character. What the heck happens to her after all this is over? She saw all the same bad guy, commie, and monster business as the main character but she has to now deal with it, deal with her husband, and deal with some necrotic fingers.

Thanks for having me, Helsinki! And the tiny portion of Britian that consists of two terminals of Heathrow.