Chapter 11 (Patreon)

[Quest Received]

[Go bazoomble em- b-bamboozuh, bam, bamboo... fool 'em!]

[Objective: Become Mirage, an annoying little shit]

[Bonus Objective: Make one of the students blow a gasket]

[Rewards: 1 perk roll, 1 item roll, 5 stat points]

[Bonus Rewards: 1 perk roll, 1 item roll, 5 stat points]

I stared at the holographic window in front of me, the flickering letters mocking me while my mouth refused to move a single inch.

Okay, the fuck is this? Am I getting Apex Legends references now? Wait, does this mean I can get some weapons from the Titanfall universe?

Imagine getting my own titan, or if not possible, at least the mozambique. Maybe even wingman. God, what I’d give to fire the fucking wingman at my enemies. Hell, even the kraber would be fire to use.

I can just visualize the future now. Cinder’s head popping like balloon because aura can’t protect against a literal anti-titan weapon. Forget anti-tank, titans are where its at. I’m betting even the atlesian paladins won’t survive a single well-placed bullet from a .57 cal kraber.

Anyway, enough fucking about, it’s time to be what I was born to do!

Troll the ever living fuck out of these Hunstmen-in-training.

I really hope Yang forgives me for this.

[][][]

“Uh, hey. Just so you know… There’s… uhh… poop on the ground… That you just stepped on… With your fashionable shoes.”

“WHAT!?” The female student shrieked as she launched herself up into the air. Quite an overreaction on her part, the launching up the air thing, not shrieking. Even I wouldn’t be able to resist jumping up because I stepped on so doodoo.

splat

When the student landed, she stilled for a moment, eyes slowly tracing downward as she got a good look at what she just landed in.

It was brown, had a smell that I was sure could kill an average man in minutes because hoe-lee fuck, does that fucking smell like the pits of my old friend’s buttocks on a taco bell weekend.

“Did I mention that was a few seconds in the future?” I grinned and the female student glared at me with murder in her eyes. “Oh, grow up. Aren’t you a Huntsman? You’re supposed to be wading through shit like this when in Grimm territories.”

Her stare didn’t relent and I felt ice pouring down my back, my spine tingling as her eyes bore into me like a predator just waiting for the right moment to pounce.

Knowing that my time in this world would be extremely limited if I stayed any longer, I got the fuck out of dodge and went to my next vict- I mean target.

[][][]

“Just… Why?” A male student looked at me as he tried to untangle me from my dire straits.

“I dunno, these things are probably too horny, they’ll fuck anything with a hole.” Stupid fucking vines. I swear this wasn’t part of my plan, but hey, it is making the man annoyed, so why the hell not. Also, my ass is itchy and I can’t reach it with my arms being in jumbles… Now that’s a thought.

“Ei, before you get me down, could you scratch my ass for a bit?” My words caused the man to stop for a second. A closer inspection on his face made me notice that a vein was nearly bulging in his head.

This was fucking embarrassing, but I was gonna own it all the fucking way. Mother and father didn’t raise no blushing virgin… Although virgin still rings true up to this day…

“No way in the brothers’ name will I do that.” The student scoffed and with a single swish of his hand, cut the vines holding me prisoner like a female hentai protagonist.

I felt gravity take hold of me and rapidly approached the ground, my chest landing first, followed by my face.

Okay, dirt here tastes like dirt back on Earth. Dunno why I made that comparison, but at least I know Remnant is very similar to Earth in terms of structure.

It also smelled like something took a shit right next to me, and lo and behold, turning my head to the side, I spot a motherfucking turd.

“Ah, shit!” I stumbled away from the turd and noticed the student laughing at my predicament. Oh yeah? Two can play it that game?

Standing up and patting the dirt off my clothes, I silently cast my magic of earth manipulation, courtesy of my [Earthen Channeling] perk. You know what, it’s funny.

First time I’m using the perk, and I’m doing it because of petty revenge and just being an asshole.

I made sure to hide my gestures with my pat downs and caused the earth beneath the student’s feet to shift slightly.

Not expecting the sudden shift, the student stumbled forward. He tried to recover by using his hands, but I didn’t let him and made the earth where his hands were softer than pudding.

With a squishy thud, he landed face first on the ground. Right directly at the turd I nearly landed on. Oof, that’s gotta stink, but hey, his fault he wanted to be an ass towards a harmless civilian.

“Yikes… That’s gotta stink.” I mocked winced and the student got up while his eyes stared daggers at me. And that’s my cue to leave.

[][][]

“Huh, for some reason, this is the third time you Huntsmen met with shit this day.” I mentioned off-handedly as I stared at another male student who literally stepped on another pile of dung, his face scrunching up as the sticky excretion of animals clung tightly to the soles of his boots.

And this all happened without even my interference, so the dude wasn’t that mad at me, just at the poop that dared camouflage itself from his trained eyes. Like his eyes were even trained to begin with!

Like, dude, it’s fucking green! How did you not see it amidst the brown colored dirt!? Are you blind? Near-sighted? If you are, then that’s doing a disservice to those who are legally blind!

They can smell the shit, you know! Which means they will know if there is shit nearby! Granted, they won’t be able to know where it is, but at least they’ll know.

This motherfucker literally didn’t know about the shit sitting pretty on the ground until right after he stepped on it. Some Huntsmen-in-training he was. If this were a real patrol, I doubt he’d notice a beowulf stalking him until it had him in its jaws.

And that isn’t good enough. So, might as well dirty his pride. Eh, get it? Dirty because he stepped in shit? I’ll stop now.

“You know, I think your weapon could do as a foot rug.” I shrugged and the student’s eyes narrowed on me like a hawk. “Like, seriously, just look at it.”

“It’s a shield, you asshole.” He snarled and I squinted at his overly decorated shield that no doubts doubles as a gun. As for which gun, I have no idea, but based on its bulk… Maybe a minigun?

“Nah… That looks like a foot rug to me. It even has the crevasses used to wipe dirt of the soles of your boots.” If Ruby heard me now, I just know she’ll be gagging at my words and will literally castrate me with her own giant scythe, though I doubt she’d do it seeing as she’s an angel compared to any of these dimwit fucks. “You know what, allow me.”

I approached the student and he quickly tugged the shield away from my raised boot.

“Don’t you dare, or so help me, I’ll fucking smash you with Undaunted Aegis, Instructor Taiyang’s order be damned.” He threateningly raised the shield - cool but edgy name, by the way - and took a stance.

“Sheesh, if you’re that affectionate with your foot rug, be my guest.” I turned around moved to annoy someone else. “Oh, before I go, just make sure someone doesn’t see you make out with the foot rug, m’kay?”

I was pretty sure that if looks could kill, he would’ve murdered me ten times over as I left.

[][][]

“So, Yang.” I smirked and Yang looked at me with undisguised horror in her face. “Want me to annoy you too?”

“Oh, fuck off, Jack. I swear if you do this to me, I’ll make sure you suffer back at home.” The blond’s stare would’ve made an average man keel over and die. But I am no average man. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m an autistic ass, just never had the time to get diagnosed by professional healthcare workers.

Although I dunno if I really am autistic, just unhinged… Anyway, I’m digressing. Time to mess with the sunny dragon.

“Sorry about this in advance… but… You do know I can hear you during the night, right?” My words got Yang to stand ramrod still, her back as straight as a street lamp. She then slowly turned and her eyes’ color granted me pause.

It was red. Instead of her usual lilac, it was red. Oh shit, I may have touched on a nerve.

“Were you peeping on me?” She stomped towards me and I could literally feel the air around us heated up like a microwave on steroids. Sweat poured down my back as I took a step back.

“N-no.” Fuck, a stutter. Now Yang was looking at me like she wanted to break me, and not in the lewd kind of way, but the literal way. “Now c-calm down. I wasn’t peeping or anything…”

“Bullshit.” Yang was now right in front of me, her taller height making her look down on me like a God ready to smite me for my sins. “I’ve made sure the walls were thick because of Ruby, so tell me, how did you hear me when Ruby couldn’t? We literally have adjacent rooms and you’re nowhere near us during night.”

Uh… Well… shit… How do I explain my perks… Specifically, the [Sleep is for the Weak] thing.

It’s only because of that perk that I was able to hear her moans through the thick as fuck walls made to withstand a goddamn hurricane. I didn’t know the perk would literally amplify my senses by a crapton when I slept. At least the rarity was justified, but holy shit, am I in fucking hot water now.

“Well?” Yang cracked her knuckles and I’m pretty sure I was gonna have a tooth or two fall out in the next few seconds. At least, until something impacted my back and sent me careening to the ground.

The air in my chest was forcefully gushed out and my heartbeats quickened in pace. Spittle flew out of my mouth as my face got a handful of dirt as the cushion.

Oh, did I remind you that the dirt also smelled? Yeah, shit got on my face… Fucking karma.

“Ugh… What the fuuuUUUUCCKKK!!??” My voice raised in intensity as I saw the thing that pushed me downwards, and who the fuck could blame me?

It was a giant fucking maw full of spit that looked like it was ready to eat me whole!

“HOLY SHIT! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFFFF MEEE!!!” I grabbed the jaw as it came down, my strength just barely holding off its deadly bite.

“Hold on, Jack!” The voice to my right made me remember that I was teasing Yang just moments before this thing decided I was its new fucking chew toy.

“No… Pressure!” I forced a grin and held off the beast for as long as I could. My muscles bulged as I continued to expend energy in an attempt to stop the Grimm from biting down and making me a head shorter. “Fuck! Yang!”

The Grimm was now inches away from my throat and I closed my eyes shut, ready for the end to grace me, but I only felt an impact. Opening my eyes slowly, I realized that the Grimm was stopped by my aura, rainbow colored wisps shielding me from certain death.

It was at that moment that Yang finally got close enough to send the Grimm into space, metaphorically, that is. That said, I didn’t know ground-based Grimm could fly.

I let out a breath I was holding in, and a dull thump from a few meters away caught my ears. Looking over in the direction, I saw that the Grimm, most notably, an Ursa, was slowly disintegrating with its head no longer attached to its body.

“Wooh… Thanks for the save…” Yang held up a hand towards me, which I accepted. I thought the worst was over, but then I realized Yang didn’t let go of my hand, but instead, pulled me closer.

“Don’t think I didn’t forget what you said earlier.” And now her eyes were back to its red color… Great… I think I’ll be thinking about my will now.