STAW Vol 1. pt. 9 (Patreon)

Every evil overlord needs henchmen.

Lilith is in an annoying, energetic mood when she comes back to my new bedroom. She does not stop smiling, will not stop rocking on the heels of her feet, and refuses to look depressed no matter how often I remind her of her severe lack of intellect.

Do you know what this means?

That’s right.

It is time to break her.

Like the new, teenage hire of a fast food restaurant excited for their first day of work, I will beat her down until every last curl of her smile has been eradicated. If she has time to smile, she has time to work.

“Lilith,” I say, “we need new employees.”

“A-are you replacing me already, Milord?” Lilith asks me. Even though her voice sounds slightly concerned, she still looks annoying chipper overall.

“Unfortunately, no. We just need more than… you and your six goblins.”

“Six? There’s seven, Milord!”

“Not anymore.”

“What happened to the seventh?” she asks with a tilted head.

“I fed it to the thing in the kitchen’s cellar.”

“Oh! Charlie! I don’t think goblins are good for him, but at least he won’t be hungry for a while.”

“What do you know about Charlie?” I ask.

“Oh, umm, not really anything. Sorry, Milord.”

“Then how do you know that goblins wouldn’t be good for his diet? How do you even know that it is a he?”

“W-well, I just don’t imagine that eating a goblin would taste very good or be very healthy. And he’s got a hairy arm!”

“Something can be hairy and still be a woman. Trust me, I have met my fair share of women whom wanted nothing more than to strangle me after pointing out that they need to shave lest they be mistaken for a runaway circus monkey.”

“What’s a circus?” Lilith asks, reminding me that – wait, I’m not on Earth anymore.

I’m only just now realizing that the one thing making life worth living is no longer in existence.

Bollywood.

“Mi-Milord? What is wrong? I’m – I’m not used to seeing such a horrified expression from you.”

Bollywood is amazing specifically because it is so outrageously insane. They do not care about typical western conventions. Sure, they might have their own tropes and they may more or less make crazy versions of popular hits from around the world, but they still manage to be unique and original with every single idea. More importantly, almost everything Bollywood has this one, crucial ingredient: a musical segment.

Yes, musicals.

Musicals combine telling a story with the creativity of a song. Many people hate musicals, calling them either cheesy or unnecessary, but musicals are truthfully the only form of theatre that I can truly enjoy anymore. Well, operas are fine every now and then as well, but I fear that I may become too cliché if I am an older man with a goatee who is trying to become the dark lord while also enjoying classical operas.

But now those are all gone. I am sure that this world still has music because I refuse to believe a world could exist where music does not, but what tiny, shattered fragments of my heart that remain hanging around within my chest are broken into even tinier fragments when I realize that I will never enjoy Bollywood again.

Wait.

No, there may be hope.

I look up at Lilith.

“Milord?” she asks.

“Lilith,” I take a deep breath, “is there a human nation full of ‘exotic’ people who tend to wear little clothes, have skin tanned dark by the harsh sun, and lots of sand?”

“Hmm… the human kingdom or Thunjar sounds close to that, Milord. They are also known for their eccentric dances and shows! I have heard much about it from my father who always talked about the women there. My mom usually made him sleep on the couch afterwards, Milord.”

For potentially the first and only time that this will ever happen, I could not be any happier knowing that this world is cliché. Is the whole dark-skinned “exotic” desert trope not only extremely cliché but also heavily racist? Yes, yes it is. Do I care? If it means a Bollywood level of entertainment, then no. I will fully embrace the racism for my one true love of Bollywood.

“Milord, I – I do not believe I have ever seen you smile before… you have a very sadistic smile! It is perfect for a future dark lord!”

“Yes, my ex-wife told me the same thing.” I look at Lilith with eyes just slightly widened as I realize something as good as there potentially being a fantasy version of Bollywood here. “Lilith, thank you.”

“Mi-Milord? Why are you… thanking me?” she asks, cheeks bright red and hands covering her mouth as she squirms from side to side.

“If I am no longer on Earth then I am no longer legally obligated to pay child support. That whore will finally have to get a job or find a new cock to suck money out of.”

“Child support, Milord?”

“Yes, if a woman has a child with a man and has at least slightly convincing proof then she will almost always be able to drain the money out of whatever man was unfortunate enough to cum in her. I made that mistake with my ex-wife fifteen years ago. Since the divorce, I have been forced to pay her money because of our daughter whom I never even saw anymore.”

“You were married and had a daughter, Milord?”

“Yes.”

“Do – do you miss them? I did not mean to take somebody from their family, so I am sor—”

“You didn’t. I did not have a family, Lilith. I have – had, people who wanted money from me and nothing more.”

“But, Milord, your daughter—”

“Have you already forgotten what I told you? Blood means nothing. Being biologically related to me did not stop my daughter from being turned against me and learning to hate me to the point of replacing me with whatever cock my ex-wife took home for the week.”

“Milord… that’s so… sad… I am sorry that you—”

“Silence. I told you that it does not matter. It is something that does not affect me in the slightest, so there is no use in worrying. To prove my point about how blood does not matter, I already consider you more of a daughter than my own blood daughter.”

Lilith’s face goes bright red again, cluing me into realizing that I said something I shouldn’t have.

“Now, exotic desert people and the uselessness of blood relations aside, we need more employees. I want you to find me ten potential employees from that city down below, bring them to me, and I will interview them,” I explain.

“Milord? You – you want me to go down there? But – but it’s… not where a devil, especially one of my status, should—”

“Must I continue interrupting you or are you going to obey me and do as I say?”

“Uuu… a-alright, Milord,” Lilith submits with a pout and hunched posture.

“Good. Now, I want you to find me those who look to be in the worst conditions. The homeless, the sick, the poor and the starving, the weak and the small, the dirty and the broken – you will find me the worst that the city has to offer, and you will bring them back here with the promise of potential employment that will forever change their lives.”

“B-but! Milord! How can we promise all of that?”

“Go, Lilith. Less waste and more haste.”

“I will be back soon, Milord.”

“No, you won’t be. You will spend your time carefully combing through the dark, dirty depths of that city to find exactly whom I am looking for. Do you understand?” I ask, hands crossed over my desk for me to rest my chin on them.

“Yes, Milord. I will return with the best possible employees! By the way, what’s an interview?”

“Go.”

Lilith jumps, shuts the door behind her, and I can hear her stumble down the stairs in her hurry. I am not sure how a devil whom could summon wings, assuming she has the same powers as her brother, would ever fall – especially down some stairs. However, knowing that it is Lilith is enough for me to not question any idiotic accidents that may happen involving her.

Her and my ex-wife called me sadistic, but I must be a masochist to be planning on hiring even more people just like her.

“Charlie? What kind of name for a cellar monster, given by a devil, is Charlie? Seriously, that girl. She may be cliché at times, but she is an eccentric one – no, that is too kind of a descriptor for her. She is just a very, very stupid one… well, I would be lying if I said that she is not entertaining.”

I get out from my chair and look at the bookcase. I may as well try learning more about this world while she does as I have demanded.