Restart - Rewind. (Patreon)

There's an emptiness in the conference room once Sidestep has left with Chen. 

The quiet before the storm. 

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, and oh boy, I finally dare to breathe again. Good job remembering life's basic functions. Maybe you are the one that should be thinking about retiring here.

As if. I sigh and am about to rise when Angie steps in and pushes me back down in the chair. Leaning in to take advantage of the fact that I'm seated. Hard to loom otherwise, but she's making the most of the opportunity.

"You could have asked first." Her face is narrow in the particular way it gets when she's angry but doesn't want to show it.

"I did," I say with what I hope is a shrug. Right now, it feels uncomfortably like overloading, tension crawling through my nerves, making every reaction an overreaction.

"On the phone," she snaps, in your face and not backing down. "What was I supposed to say?"

"No?" The word slips out of my mouth before I can stop it, and for a moment I brace for a hit, but instead she takes a step back and flings her hands to the heavens.

"You're hopeless. I can't—"

"But Sidestep might help you," Daniel interrupts. He always had more guts than brains; maybe that's why he's still putting up with their fake relationship. "And you know you would have said no if you had the chance to think about it first."

"So blackmailing is better?" She bares her teeth, and oh boy, they look sharp.

"Daniel, why don't you go and check so Chen doesn't put his foot in his mouth on the way out?" I can sense an argument growing, and I can't handle that. Not now. They can be idiots together when I'm not around.

"Sure," he says, taking the chance offered without hesitation. I can't blame him. Angie is in a foul mood, and I suppose it's partly my fault.

"Cut him some slack," I say once Daniel has left and I have risen from the chair. Good. Mobility. Just in case. "And he's got a point."

"Oh, shut it. Don't feed his ego." But some of the vitriol has left her voice. 

"I know I probably stepped on all your toes, but I think this might be a chance to figure out what happened to you."

"Keep telling yourself that." She runs her hands through her slick hair, then lets out a tired sigh. "We both know that's not what's going on here."

"Okay, maybe this is for both of us," I admit, because she's as sharp as her claws when finding my weak spots. I've shown her enough of them over the years. "And if you want to call it off, you can."

"It's fine." She looks down at her hands, flexing them. "It's worth a shot to find out who did this to me. Now excuse me. I need to get some dinner."

"Put it on my bill," I say graciously. A small peace offering.

"Hah," that got a laugh from her at least. "You can't afford me." And with those ominous words, she heads off, leaving me to meander aimlessly towards the kitchen.

Abandoned to my thoughts.

Funny how the best day of my life feels like the worst day all over again. Out of sight is not out of mind, but at least I'm not hallucinating. No one-way ticket to a padded cell, with headlines screaming that Charge has finally snapped. Little do they know I snapped years ago; I'm just good at pretending. Pretending to be smooth. Pretending to be in control. Pretending that it doesn't hurt.

Too bad I'm not as good at fooling myself.

The beer is cold and opens with a satisfying tsh, but the taste barely hides the lack of alcohol. Oh well, sometimes going through the motions is enough to calm my nerves, and I need to get a grip right now. Chen's steps are too heavy to miss, so I turn and smile as he enters the kitchen, beer held high.

"That had better be non-alcoholic." Chen frowns, and I hide my smile. Bait taken.

"You know that's the only thing we stock," I say and roll my eyes, mask back on. Habits. Where would I be without them? 

"I also know you've not limited to what's in the fridge." He walks over and grabs an energy drink for himself. As bad for him as the beer is for me, but I don't give him shit about it. It's been a three-beer kind of day.

"I also don't like lukewarm beer." I take another sip, it's a lie now, but it wouldn't have been a few years ago. Though lukewarm vodka is better. And doesn't smell as much. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," he mutters, leaning against the counter. Looking at me. "You look like you've—"

"Seen a ghost," I fill in before he can finish. "Except I haven't?" I wish the last didn't sound like a question.

"No ghosts." But from the look on his face, he's as shaken as I am. And worse at hiding it.

"Did they pass muster then?" So nonchalant, as if my peace of mind didn't depend on the answer.

"I think it really is Sidestep if that's what you're asking. I just don't know how it's possible." Sidestep. Always that slight distance though he knows their name.

"Me neither,"  I admit because I remember what I saw. On the other hand, shouldn't I have been dead twenty years ago? Bad decisions. Bad falls. Another thing we have in common now. "I get surviving against impossible odds, but..." I drift off, unwilling to finish the sentence. Chen comes to the rescue, as always.

"Staying away for seven years." 

"Yeah." I put down the beer and begin to pace. Too antsy, can't stay still. "That I don't get." 

Am I lying to myself or to him? I know too many reasons why they would want to lay low. Captured. Convinced to change loyalties. Too much baggage coming back to drag them down. Maybe even trying to keep me from getting involved, the idiot. Keeping me safe.

"Did you ever ask yourself if you made the right call bringing them here?" Chen says the words I'm avoiding. He's irritating like that. "It looked to me like they were brought here at gunpoint."

"Don't use that term, please." I blink hard. Memories you can't unsee. Was that another reason? 

"Sorry." Not an apology, not really. "But you know I'm right. They couldn't wait to get out of here."

"I needed to..." Not good for me to get this upset. Deep breaths. Bite down the burning behind your eyelids. In your stomach.

"You needed to what? We could handle Argent without help, you know that."

"I needed to know if I was going crazy." There. It's out.

"Oh." Chen looks like he's not sure if he should hug me or not. 

"Yeah."

"But you're sober now," he says cautiously, looking at the beer you've abandoned. Safe. Unlike you.

"More or less." It's under control, as I would tell my non-existent therapist. "Doesn't mean the ghosts have left me alone."

"Do you... think you have spotted them before? Maybe it wasn't a ghost." Trust Chen to think of this as a mystery. He has too much faith in you.

"No." I look away. "I had never pictured them like... this." Like the years had made their mark on them. Like time had moved on and left my mind rooted to the spot while they moved on without me. This was a version my mind had not invented. Scarred but whole. Not bleeding. Not like the others. So many images were torn from my past to parade in front of me. Sometimes pasted on other people's faces or hiding in the corner of my eye. But this is new. This is real. 

"Okay." Chen finally puts a hand on my shoulder. Heavy. Solid. "I need to know if you are going to be okay."

"Of course I will." I put my hand over his, feeling the rubbery fingers. "You've seen me worse than this." Swearing in a wheelchair, falling over when I try to stand up. His hands were stiffer then. Newly modded. Left bruises I didn't mind.

"I would rather not repeat that experience. This is a good thing, right?" His grip tightens as he pulls me into a hug.

"It is," I agree, unsure if there are tears in my voice or laughter. "I just don't know how to deal with it."

"Neither do I," he admits. "I was convinced they were dead." Is that guilt in his voice? Close enough. Maybe he's thinking back like you are. The long line of what-ifs. 

"Me too." And I hate myself for buying into that. Into the whole story. I knew the government was lying about what really happened. I just didn't think they would be lying about that. No reason to. Sidestep was a vigilante. An ally. A hero. There was no reason their death would be faked, no reason at all, except...

I should have known. It was the perfect opportunity. No chance to say no, but the perfect time to bring them home. Make them stop the heroics. Get back in the fold. But if this was the case, why were they out now? Walking free in Los Diablos? Lots of reasons came to mind, but none of them were good. I wish I could shake the look in Sidestep's eyes. Tired. Broken. 

No more rebellion. No more fire.

"Hey." Chen's voice is quieter than my thoughts. "You will be able to deal with this, right?"

"Of course." I push away and run both hands through my hair. "I can take care of this. You don't need to worry."

"That wasn't what I asked." He steps into my line of sight and refuses to let me look away. "I want to know if you will be okay emotionally."

"Probably not," I admit with the first smile that felt real. Like time was restarting. Ice cracking, revealing running water underneath. Drown or swim? "But in a good way. You don't have to worry."

"It's my job to worry," he grumbles.

"Not paying you to be my friend, so I'm not your job." This time it's my hand on his shoulder, and the smile stays. "Go Marshal someone else. I'm fine." Fine? Better than I've been in years more like it.

"I'll take your word for it. I need to head down to the harbor."

"Are they still planning to start it up again?" The pumice rafts might be gone, but the seas weren't safe for anything less than armored cruisers.

"The commercial side, yes." A heavy sigh. "And they want to convince me that it's a Ranger problem. Sounds like the military already turned them down."

"If it is, count me out." I let out a sigh of relief. Back to business, other issues than mine. "Doubt my insurance would cover any form of water-related shenanigans."

"It is not a matter of regional security, so you're safe." Chen gives me one final stern glance. "And please check in with Argent so she's okay."

"One step ahead of you; I already did that." 

"Really?" How bad a friend have I been that there's doubt in his eyes?

"Yes. She's off having dinner on my dime."

"I'm surprised she accepted that as an apology." This time Chen smiles as well.

"It wasn't an apology." I head towards the door before the discussion takes a bad turn again. "I made the right call, and she knows that."

"I hope for your sake you're right." Chen follows, one step behind. A comfortable distance. "I'm worried about her."

"So am I." I stop and turn because this is important. "I've lost too many people." Even if one of them has returned, the scales are hardly balanced.

"So have I." There's a melancholy look on his face. "Please don't become one of them."

"I won't," I say with as much confidence as I can. "Now go have fun at your boat meeting."