A Job for this Useless Goddess - Part 05 (Patreon)

Aqua had come to a conclusion.

The problem wasn’t so much that she couldn’t cook well, but rather that she was playing to her strengths instead of supplementing her weaknesses. 

She had very few weaknesses that she could think of, but if water magic was her natural strength, then clearly the element of fire had to be her most obvious limitation when it came to expanding her vast array of talents.

The thought made her belly quiver with anticipation as she spooned a big bowl of uneaten caramel frosting into her mouth. She was already so stuffed from that morning’s uneaten dishes but she was determined to push herself even more. Some of the food she was being given had barely a bite taken out of it before it had been discarded. She couldn’t imagine why the kitchen wouldn’t just replace the missing piece before throwing the entire thing away.

Her bowl now empty, Aqua lumbered across her pillowy thighs as she rose off her bed. The wooden legs creaked as the structure bowed beneath her enormity. The very sound of her getting up was enough to alert the most astute members of the kitchen staff who quickly rushed up to her room with literal buckets worth of food in an attempt to impede her progress out the door. The goddess munched through her offerings like the eating machine she had become.

A half minute delay for a stack of biscuits, another for the bucket of gravy that followed and still the rumble approached the stairs. The pace at which most girls would have been put into a food induced coma, only stoked the flames of her desire to help even a little as one flabby thigh clapped against the other as she made her way down each creaky step.

Blubbery doom inevitably approached the kitchen as fretful chefs searched for something, ANYTHING which might sate her for even a moment in hopes of bringing down the very monster they had created. They heard heavy breathing as she hit the bottom step, resting for a moment to fill her burning lungs with air before the familiar scraping of her gigantic hips against plastered walls signaled that she was turning.

“Hey...everyone! *huff* I’m coming...to help you!!”

The final doorways to the kitchen was the final defense as she bumped squarely into the narrow frame. It was a mistake she was making more and more as she got wider and rounder and would only buy them a precious few minutes as she attempted to navigate herself at different angles rather than taking the obvious route of sucking in her gut and moving sideways. 

There was only one thing left to do.

“*Oof* You know...were these doors always...so narrow *huff* maybe you should...hire a…”

Simmering pots and steamy dishes were all that were there to greet her as the goddess of gorging finally squeezed her way through to the very heart of her food hub. Not a single employee was to be seen. Aqua caressed her blubbery cheeks with a pair of pudgy fingers as she pondered where they might have gone. 

“I guess they’re just out making a supply run. After how wasteful they’ve been, it’s only natural. I’ll show them that I can run things until they get back all by myself.”

The hiss and crackles of fish grilling on an unattended frypan immediately caught her attention. It smelled so wonderful as it was, but there was nothing which couldn’t be improved with a goddess’ touch. 

“I know just how to give this the flavour kick it needs!”

Aqua had seen Darkness use wine plenty of times to spice up their meals at home and if there was anything which she felt was almost secondary to her command of water, was her mastery over alcohol. Her pudgy fingers wrapped themselves around the closest bottle she could find.

“Hmm, there’s no wine but this rum should do nicely! Just a little splash of...”

Alcohol content never concerned Aqua before, but there was a notable difference in percentage which she had quickly discovered as the bottle’s contents hit the greasy pan. A fireball of immense proportions erupted before her eyes, almost scorching them as she threw herself back to instinctively avoid the blast. It was all she could to keep her mass from tipping backwards as she panicked.

“Water! Um...uh...small amount...um...CREATE WATER!”

Learning from her previous mistake was a first for Aqua and would have been something noteworthy had she not created several more in the process. The cascading water from her fingertips pooled across the metal saucepan and left a fiery trail that spread across the stove and wooden counter tops. Her eyes widened in horror at the molten mess she had created.

“Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!”

Without any other magic up her sleeve, and being far too large to make a run for it, the goddess was down to her final option. 

When all else fails, stomp on it!

She hurled herself against the flaming counter top and knocked it over with ease. Food and fire hit the stone floor with a thud but thankfully did not spread any further. Aqua heaved her bulk over the dying embers as she brutally slammed a flabby foot into the oily mess she had made. Her thighs burned as they rubbed together and jostled with all the might of falling redwoods as she lifted and pounded away over and over again until only ashes lay beneath them.

Out of breath and out of energy, she inspected the scorched remains of the grilled fish which was now little more than smoldering remains. 

“This may be...a little harder…*huff*...than I thought…”