My Goals for 2020 (Patreon)

Happy 2020! I hope you all had a great start to the year. Mine was mixed and, dare I say, very contrasted. It started out with a good night's sleep because the family from hell spent New Year's someplace else. They're back by now, but man... The one day they were gone - best sleep I've had since they've moved in. I spent most of the day just thinking about my goals for the year and dyeing my hair. I decided to take a much needed break on the last day of 2019 and went swimming. The pool was more crowded than I had expected and mostly littered with little crotch goblins, but being in the water and free to move my body however I wanted was all worth it. I think the relaxation that swimming provides comes from the break from gravity, as you are near weightless in the water. Though the pool always makes me feel like a mermaid color changing barbie doll because I go in a redhead and come out a blonde. I wonder if a swimming cap would help... Anyway, the first dream of the year was a nice one. It was about a girl I really wanted to be friends with. She had short, sandy blonde hair, liked Marilyn Manson and went to pastry school. In the dream she brought home made chocolates and it was the best thing I ever tasted. The chocolate was tempered to perfection and the ganache filling was so smooth and rich I was genuinely shocked. Please, universe, if you love me at all you will make her real. If only briefly, it opened me up to feeling like someone I vibe with could exist.
Then later on New Year's day, things took a turn with a sudden, long lasting anxiety attack (likely the unconscious reliving of a traumatic moment.) It caught me by surprise because I did not feel fear or exhaustion but my body responded like I was. I found myself unable to soothe myself for hours and ended up passing out at some point... Only to walk into a nightmare. It was about someone I had to shut out of my life and in the dream, they were haunting me in countless different forms. It started with me lying in bed and I felt something supernatural snuggle up behind me - feeling the static tingles on my legs and back. Once I figured out who and what it was, I told it to leave... And it was having none of that. It refused and started to get angry and loud, screaming things like "I love you, you can't make me leave!!!" until I cast it out with my will. I found it pressed against my window, screeching and trying to get in. Its face seemed half-human, half-cat... But I knew whom it belonged to, which soul, which system. The barrier broke no sooner than when I told it it can't come in. It was back and I feared it would try to hurt me but it never did. It just would not leave me alone. I started to look for ways to set up a banishing spell but everytime I thought I got rid of it, another part of the same person would show up... Some seemed like they didn't necessarily want to be there but were made to and others clearly didn't think too highly of me for "hurting" and "abandoning" one of them. They just kept coming no matter what I did. I tried to light incense for protection but one of them made all my incense disappear. Another time I tried to look up the exorcism incantation on my phone but it would obscure and black out the words so that I couldn't say them. No matter what I tried, one or more of them would supernaturally interfere and eventually I broke down and just asked them what the hell they want from me because all I want is to be alone with Jack... I never got an answer. I woke up, still exhausted from the anxiety attack and almost fell asleep again... Until my neighbor made a noise that sounded like a window opening (not surprising coming from a hopeless chain smoker) and in my dreamscape it translated into my window opening and one of them trying to get in. I snapped awake and couldn't go back to sleep after that. First time I'd rather not be asleep. I can only hope this was nothing more than my brain processing the difficult things I had to go through the past year. 

But I've been learning a lot about what is important to me and what isn't. Turns out, mainstream holiday customs ain't it. What matters to me the most this year, I want to share with you now. 

My all-encompassing resolution this year is to live my best life. This means balancing every aspect of my life while excelling in each and every one of them - with the end goal of feeling fulfilled and like I haven't wasted my energy. 

In my work and video creation, I want to create beautiful and meaningful things that I can look back on and not want to delete. I also want to be as productive as humanly possible because this is what makes me feel good about myself. To have a sense of accomplishment. I no longer want to torture myself by feeling like I'm failing at absolutely everything. I want to put my energy into what makes me happy.  

In my personal life I want to consistently practice self-care, including exercise, recreation and spirituality, so as to put myself into a place where I'm happy to give and create and no longer feel like I'm trying to pour from an empty cup.

In my relationship I want to finally marry my twin flame and continue to have a wonderful loving relationship with him, hopefully eventually being physically together. 

In my spirituality, I want to become a lot more intuitive and establish a core that no one can argue or take away. I want to know myself and not lose myself to other people's projections. 

In my immediate surroundings, I want to clean out my life and get rid of everything that weighs me down so as to create an environment that I enjoy being in. I want to bring my soul out into the world and all around me. 

In my finances and resources I want to create abundance and pass it on to others. I want to know like I know like I know that I can support myself by creating what I enjoy and I want to vote with my money for what things and causes and people are worth supporting. 

On Patreon, I want to be all caught up on physical rewards. I want to give what I owe and I want to give it with love and purpose. 

And overall, I want to grow into my vision of what I want to be and what I want my world to be. I've spent the past year(s) berating myself for not being more like other, more popular creators and for not being satisfied doing the same things they do because they seem successful in them and I told myself, if only I could do these things, I would be successful, too. But I simply can't. The price tag on conformity is too high. I can mourn the loss of "how successful I could have been" all I want and it's not going to make me suddenly content with wasting my time putting out a million identical tapping and ear eating videos. For my own sanity, I need to do something more meaningful than that. I want to be ok with the things I truly want and stand for. 

I believe this sums up all of my goals and while they seem far-reaching and possibly overwhelming, they play into each other so much that it makes me feel like they will come together if I just focus every day that I am awake on living my best life. 

What are your goals and resolutions this year? I'd love to hear them. Please don't be intimidated by my extensive list - this is not a competition. I simply want to know what matters to you this year and what you're creating in your life. With that, I hope 2020 treats you well. Cheers