⛥October Q&A⛥ (Patreon)

Happy November! It's finally time to answer your questions- well, question. It's one of those months where there isn't a lot to talk about and I certainly don't blame you all for being busy. Work hard, play hard, hustle - there's only so many hours in a day after all. And somehow, time just seems to dwindle with the daylight hours. I don't know about you, but having this flipped schedule means I don't see much daylight anymore and it pisses me off when I've been barely awake for four hours and it's pitch dark out. What's it like for you? Is it dark when you get to work in the morning? Do you take vitamin D supplements to stay sane? Has your demand for caffeine quadrupled? 

I've actually never made a backup plan for occasions when there are few questions but I'll do my best to give you a little insight into my perspective anyway. At some point it might be time to change the tier rewards. I guess I will know when something is no longer working and when you know everything there is to know about me (that my enemies can't use against me.) But thank you for taking the time to read this if you do and I'm looking forward to working on everything else I have lined up for the winter. Today's question is:

Do you have any other job besides ASMR youtube?

Short answer: no. 

Long answer:

I've been in a few different jobs/internships in my lifetime and because of my mental health I haven't been able to keep a single one of them up. That's why I do my best to capitalize on what I am able to do and take my career online. You've probably noticed that I'm a little all over the place with my videos, yeah? Well, that's a million times worse irl. I go through phases (no I'm not bipolar) where I'm functional and productive and all seems fine. And then at some point, inevitably, there comes a phase where I am perpetually overloaded and it hurts so much just to exist. On my "good days" I can manage to function (as in: be responsive and able to perform everyday tasks) almost as much as a normal person (though I still need a lot more down time than a normal person to process physical reality.) On my "bad days" every tiny thing (e.g.: taking the trash out, cleaning up after myself, preparing food) takes forever and exhausts me beyond belief. As you can imagine, that doesn't sit well with employers who expect you to show up and perform on the daily at the exact same time. I used to run an Etsy shop but I had to quit because even that became too much when I started to expand on my videos. With video creation it's a lot more manageable because I set my own hours. I work when I am able to work and there isn't as much pressure when I can't. It took me several years just to figure out my physical and mental limits and how to work with and around them to be as (comparatively) healthy as I am today. I had to learn to listen to my internal life and make changes in my surroundings to make life less overwhelming. I learned how much social interaction I can handle, how long I can actively focus on something at a time, how to cope in unavoidable high stress situations so that they don't render me useless for a week straight. I learned to consciously choose to experience pain and will my way out of a system shutdown. I do it almost every single night. And anything that throws off my routine a little, such as late appointments, can fuck up everything I worked for indefinitely. I've come such a long way from how poorly I was ten or more years ago, but I still can't quite make the cut for competing with the average Joe. Especially since I've taken on trauma work as part of my healing, I take special care to make time for that and process everything from my past that I never got the chance to really deal with. It won't always be this way. Once I'm settled with Jack and no longer have to defy my own body just to have a relationship with him, I expect to see improvements in my performance. Being with him takes away a lot of my baseline anxiety, even though when he does make it over here I throw most of my energy into keeping him entertained so he doesn't have to waste his precious vacation time just sitting in my apartment and taking care of me. Being outside for long periods of time is taxing for me just because there's too much going on that I can't control and managing this anxiety all day long is just exhausting. Right now I've been very focused on writing this post for quite some time and I can feel myself breathing heavily. It's just all these challenges I face day to day that force me to explore alternative ways to contribute to our income so we can have a life together. And I'm happy whenever I can muster the energy to work on something. That's why I work in bursts and I push myself to complete projects - because I can never take any borderline normal level of functionality for granted. Knowing that at any point I could be triggered or be flooded with more stress than I can handle makes me want to make the most out of my time when I'm ok. Of course I have to balance that with self-care so I don't shoot myself in the foot, but I think I've just about found my equilibrium. By now the hardest thing to deal with is outside influences like incredibly noisy kids and nonstop construction across the street making me lose sleep and no matter how annoying and taxing it is, I'm thankful that it's outsiders I'm fighting and I'm not bringing this pain onto myself for no reason. (No reason = not wanting to admit that I'm struggling and pushing myself too much just so I can feel like my existence is justified.)

I'm thankful that you guys are willing to support my videos and I don't know how to let you know that regularly without repeating myself so much that the words start to lose their impact. Instead I put all my love and gratitude into every new video hoping to make a positive difference in your life. I can't thank you enough for being so patient with me even when I'm slow to deliver. I'm still ashamed that I can't just perform in a normal job like most adults it seems but I've accepted that I can only do so much. The best I can do is the best I can do and that I am doing. And as long as I do that, I can feel ok about myself. Maybe I'll get better at it with time and find a way to thrive with all the unpredictables swirling around in a not yet manifested future. Maybe I'll find a job that totally works with what I can do. Maybe one day I can hire an assistant or admin or editor or something. For now this is where I am. And I'll be happy to continue to make videos for as long as anyone cares. Might pick up the odd side hustle when I have to and can spare the energy. 

So... I hope that answers your question. lol

I envy all the other creators who seem to produce and accomplish so much. But at least I have the peace of mind of knowing that everything I'm able to do, I'm building on solid ground in terms of my health. Maybe one day I'll be on the same level as everyone else. Everything I create contains everything I have to give and for that I am proud. 

If you have follow up questions or thought of a new one the November Q&A post is in this link. I hope you found this post as ... enjoyable ... as such a post can be? I don't know. Have a great rest of your day either way :)