Peace (Patreon)

As we celebrate death, the end of a cycle, this time of year, I want to share a text I wrote a little while ago in the hopes that it will inspire you. Life has a funny way of pushing us into our destiny lately. Forcing us to let go of the dead flowers we're holding. But if they're dead, it means they've been with us for far too long. Some things in our lives have expired and overstayed their welcome. I was supposed to be a bride today, but I was denied happiness by unjustified authority. It sent me down the rabbit hole of reflection and resolution and inspired a huge change inside me. I know you've all been incredibly busy and it's easy for the spiritual and transformational aspect of this time of year to slip by us. I hope my personal transformation, captured in text, will create in you the mindfulness necessary to fully embrace the next chapter in your personal book. There is no death without rebirth. No healing without vulnerability. My intention is for all of you to be reborn into your own best life. 

 ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥ 

For so long I've resisted the cards I've been dealt. 

Begrudged the injustices put upon me. 

And anyone could tell by looking that I didn't want to be here. 

In this life where, time after time, freedom and control were taken from me...

The only real freedom I had was not to participate. 

The best choice I thought I had... Was not to take it.

For so long there was nothing in my life that I wanted. 

My soul stunted, I started to withdraw. 

I had nothing to look forward to...

And because I never had anything I wanted, I stopped wanting anything. 

Anyone could tell by looking at me... That I didn't really care.

I never lived more than day to day and so everything I did seemed pointless and meaningless. 

What kept me afloat wasn't a fear of death... But fear of the pain that would lead to it.

And apathy...

Anesthesia...

Melancholy...

People shy away from feelings like these. But it's how I survived. 

Alone.

My own mother couldn't share a space with the truth of me.

And my father didn't want to. 

I built walls around me to shield me from the world.

So I wouldn't have to feel... Or care.

But they are heavy and I am tired. 

For so long I've pushed against life itself...

In the subtlest way screaming "NO!"

Hopelessness consumed me, there was nothing I could do

So I swallowed all the sadness in the world

And refused to move.

Now I look around me... All I see is death.

Scattered, shattered remnants of something that could have been

All around the floor

I see the life of someone who has given up. 

Part of me told me years ago

That she wanted to try living again.

I did not share the same desire...

Happily, I would have let her if I could.

I'll never get those years back.

But I look around...

And I see this mess of a life of someone who has given up...

But I feel the energy of something that could be. 

My mind's eye shows me a different image...

I see the scattered, shattered remnants of something that could have been

But when I close my eyes, I see what will be.

And I know I'm the key.

With my bare hands digging in the soil of physical reality

To uncover the life that is meant for me

In my mind's eye I can see

Atlantis

The treasure that lies underneath 

The scent of death, the ashes... 

For so long I've resisted what was meant for me

Believing I was powerless

And weak

And resenting the idea of agreeing to this destiny

That I imagined would somehow turn me into the person they said I should have been

Begrudging the idea of peace

For that reason...

I guess I fought all these years...

Just to remain myself. 

Now I look around...

At this mess of a life of someone who has given up

And I lay it all down...

When they spoke of peace, I think they meant capitulation.

Because real peace is right here...

Scattered, shattered all over the floor...

With my bare hands I pick up the shards

And, inch by inch, brush the ashes away...

And when I'm done, I will stand amidst the bare bones

Of the life I discarded

Looking out through these bars that were once my prison

The home of my soul

I don't care how long it takes

I will cast spells to make flowers grow

I will make it beautiful

Something I never had

Something worth living for.

I lay down the burden of 

All the ways in which life has wronged me

The apathy

Anesthesia

Melancholy

With these hands I will grow new life

And tear out the weeds

I'll make room for my soul to breathe

And my heart to beat

I know this place so well 

Burial ground for dreams

And I've seen and heard it all

Know everything it has to give

For once I choose to take it...

I watch the dust swirl around me

Declaring peace

With everything I never wanted

Taking it as part of me

I lay down the grudges and feel them bleed out of me

They're so heavy

How empty will I feel when all this is done?

One by one the memories fade into the dark

Until only their purest form, the imprint they left remains

I am done grieving, I'm ready to mourn

I'm ready to go on

With everything I never wanted

The first breath of the rest of my life

And I'm shaking with insecurity

Because I never walked

But taking this step is so much less tiring

Than holding up these walls

For today I may crawl

Through the ashes toward

A place where I can rest

In peace

Knowing tomorrow won't be a repeat of yesteryear.