⛥March Q&A⛥ (Patreon)

It's time to be productive so I can tell myself I've accomplished something after randomly working up a past trauma an hour ago! I'm so ready for life to go well again. So let's roll out your questions to make me feel better. I always look forward to these because you guys just ask such brilliant questions I get excited every time. Let's see what we have this month: 

Any video games you like? I like the Sims 3. I also tend to like mom games like the Chocolatier series and intricate hidden object games. Also anything with food and coffee (I was addicted to Cafe Life on Facebook before they discontinued it) and fighting games (DoA, etc...) ... If I owned a gaming console I probably wouldn't get much work done but with how much the Sims crashes on me it really doesn't get in the way much. What's odd is that I like watching people play games - preferably horror (Horror sluts say ayyyyyy!) - but so far I haven't managed to play those on my own because anything that's unpredictable gives me anxiety, even if it's a game. If it has built-in dangers and enemies, I can't do it. My adrenaline shoots too high and I freeze up like a deer in headlights. So I only play harmless games where I can control and micromanage to my heart's content. 

And your thoughts on furries? Holy shit... I had to look that up. I guess it really isn't that different from cosplay so... meh?

What's one aspect about witchcraft that you think is massively misinterpreted by people who don't practice? I mean, the most blatant one that every witch ever is sick and tired of hearing is the whole "so you worship Satan!" thing. I hate how people still manage to equate witchcraft and religion (Satanism, Paganism, Wicca, what have you) even when you make it as ridiculously obvious as creating a blog that reads Witch, NOT Wiccan. People hear "witch" and out come all the assumptions and preconceived notions that have little if anything at all to do with practicing the craft. Blood sacrifice, devil worship, dancing naked in the woods... I mean the last one sounds fun, but is certainly not a requirement. Also, someone should tell screenwriters that this "seal it with a kiss" thing is not a real spell casting thing. We don't actually have to make out with  e v e r y t h i n g  to enchant it. It's so overused in witch fiction it's starting to get on my nerves. 

Are there any "doctrinal schisms" in witchcraft or is it generally individual enough to prevent "We do it right, you do it wrong" groups? You'd think that, but... I've always had a very liberal approach to practicing witchcraft. "Whatever works" about sums it up. I believe there are as many ways to practice as there are people on this Earth but unfortunately that doesn't keep some arrogant ass hoes from nitpicking everything other witches do just because it's not exactly the fucking same as what they do. The "wise woman" roots seem to have gotten lost in some because witches are not immune to petty "tear others down to build myself up" ego trips. Some people are toxic, some toxic people are witches, some witches are toxic. Don't listen to them, your path is your path. 

What's the weirdest request you've ever gotten in the comments of a video (marriage proposals excluded)? Feet. The foot obsession is real on the Tube. When I was just experimenting with my videos I asked my viewers if foot ASMR is a real ASMR thing or if it's just a stupid manipulative attempt to get fetish content out of artists. I said in the video I might try it if it's a real thing and some users got super super excited... And then after reading the responses I decided it's not worth my time and mentioned in another video that I won't be doing that, thanking everyone for their feedback etc... One user just got ridiculously pissed off at me, calling me a tease and that I deserved to lose all my subscribers because I "didn't do what people want" ... that's when I knew I made the right decision. 

What's the weirdest request you've ever wanted to ask another ASMR artist? On Nicole's spa video (one of my go-to videos, marked at the exact time) she says "give you a little facial" and the way she says "little" (pitch/tone/shift) is so so so so sooooooooooo tingly and I was so fucking tempted to ask her if she could do it the same way again but assumed it was just a fluke that worked out in my favor and couldn't be recreated on demand. 

What's your favorite book on witchcraft? The one I gave to my ex and haven't seen since about ways to protect yourself from energy vampires, demons and shit. I got some really neat tips for everyday protection out of it. I have no idea what it was called or who wrote it, though. 

Also, if you were to magically get transported to a parallel dimension, do you think you would be friends with your parallel self? Totally! The very thing I'm lacking in real life is people like me. So if I could find someone like that, I would be all over them. We would have a ball laughing at the same shit and keeping each other from getting bored and being on top of the world because people are 99% less likely to bully you if you're with someone (anyone!). We'd be up to all kinds of shit. 

What are your favorite board games/card games? I don't know how to play enough card/board games to have established a favorite. I know how to play monopoly, checkers, sorry and mau mau. But I have been known to get really competitive and resent people for beating my ass in a game. Eventually I calm down and remember that the people I play with are my friends but while the game is on - IT'S WAR.

Would you be interested in a mini story about your Shiki series? A while ago I was writing about it from the viewers point of view, That way it adds their thoughts and dialogue and stuff. I finished the first part which is about how the character originally get captured but other than that it’s been awhile since I touched it. I was planning on writing it in the same order they were made including the older first one and some nods to the shows characters as well. Of course, I'd love to read it! I'm gonna bring Shiki back soonish anyway so maybe that'll nudge me back into Ray's role. 

Day at the beach. Yes or no? Hell yes! In fact, that's probably what the doctor ordered right about now. 

What it's like to be a video creator? Stressful and challenging. The same kind of challenging that your life becomes whenever you try to turn your passion into a career. People expect content on a more and more frequent basis and many don't seem to realize that you are singlehandedly doing everything. Unless you have a team of people working on your shit like all bigger channels, you are the one responsible for every production step going well - or in my case, perfectly. If in the past year you had the impression that I lost interest in video creation, you were right. I let the demands and comments get to me (not just the troll comments, just generally all the feedback on every miniscule thing I was doing) and started to resent my art and myself for publishing things I didn't love and other artists for being more successful than me and random people for asking me to make more videos, not realizing how much I was stressing myself out just to be able to publish as few videos as I managed. I'm in the process of turning that around just so I don't end up hating my life. I've taken steps to keep myself from going stir crazy, like deciding not to take requests and to focus on making videos I would want to see. But it's still so so difficult to juggle creativity and productivity and mental wellbeing because of the specific trade I'm in. My job is to (essentially) relax people which requires so much more than just robotically checking off tasks and clocking off 8 hours every day. It requires me to be in a good mindset so self-care is part of my job. It requires a quiet environment so luck and all my neighbors' sporadic cooperation is part of my job. It requires me to look like a human being (as opposed to acne ridden burnt hair trainwreck) so make-up and costume is part of my job. It requires a certain aesthetic value so set building is part of my job. All the tech work is my job. All the prep work is my job. Errands/shopping is part of my job. Acting is part of my job. Singing is part of my job. Performing is part of my job. Writing is part of my job. Heck, for many videos, I even study and learn new things I know nothing about just so I can confidently pull them off, making eternally being a student part of my job. Responding to people is part of my job. At one point I couldn't help but realize how nearly every aspect of being alive and breathing is my job. I constantly think about it. What kind of video to work on next, how to execute that, what I will require, when I will have time to do that, where to film it, how I want it to look, what sounds to include, what visuals to include, how to effectively coordinate them, camera angles, batteries, sound checks, all to try and figure how to make it the best experience possible to take the viewer out of their stressed lives and into a realistic relaxation experience. And then if it doesn't work out, you can imagine how frustrated that makes me, after having put weeks of work into something and it only takes one aspect going wrong for it all to fall apart. And the longer I go without publishing a video, the more the pressure grows, and then I have to effectively reset and take care of myself so I can start over and do my best again. And since all of these different tasks are on my shoulders, I don't get to do them all very frequently, so I constantly feel like people are growing impatient and everyone will forget who I am and move on and lose interest in my work because despite giving so much, I rarely have anything to show for it. I'm under a lot of pressure all the time just because I don't want to be mediocre. The competition is fierce with ASMR becoming so popular and overused it's honestly sickening and I already feel like I don't measure up in so many ways so the only way I can stand out from the crowd is to produce real quality content. Those of you who have ever been self-employed will understand. It's just a lot. Every day is a lot. Everything is a lot. But I do the best I can.

What is your favorite video of your asmr channel and  what kind of asmr videos do you like? I can't answer the first question because I don't watch any of my own videos outside of just plain quality control. With the exception of mega tier bonus videos which I compulsively rewatch constantly just like I compulsively reread everything I write a million times and can't seem to pull myself away from it. So if you see a typo here and an hour later it's fixed, this is why. But I tend to prefer the videos that I'm not actually in just because I don't have to look at my cringeworthy self. So that'll be all the soundscapes with those pretty candle backgrounds lol. In general, I tend to like roleplays - all the spas and haircuts and familiar, relaxing stuff. Trigger videos and that infamous "recorder on screen" rambling bullshit annoy me. I'm a picky ass bitch when it comes to ASMR. 

You've spoken of your mental health before and that you received disability aid from your country's government.  You look perfectly healthy and not obviously disabled. How have people reacted when they find out? How do you deal with people that expect you to be a fully productive and "functional" member of society with a full-time job a car and all the other things expected in a "normal" life? As someone in similar circumstances I'm curious. Ugh. People are so ridiculous. I honestly got really really lucky just because I told my employment agent about my difficulties with focus and functioning, back then not diagnosed with anything because "mental illness doesn't exist", expecting her to just shout at me to get my shit together like everyone else has always done. To my surprise, she actually listened to me and referred me to an institute that helps young people who aren't stable enough for the job market train for a few different types of jobs in a controlled environment where people are understanding of their difficulties. For those of you that don't know, in Germany, you can't just apply for a job with no experience and expect to be hired. Maybe for something like cleaning, but for any other occupation (office worker, hairdresser, cook, cashier, etc.) you have to "train" somewhere for 3-5 years on minimum wage before you can get a "real" job in that field. That institution I was referred to counted as those 3-5 years "training" period. From there, I was under the care of my case worker who was a wonderful lady that I could come to when I needed help with something. When I told her about the issues with my mother and that I was overwhelmed to the point of being suicidal, she found me a legal carer to help me through the tough situation of my mother's move, the debt she left me behind with and all the responsibility she pushed on me for stuff that was none of my business, ever. I was unsure at first but my legal carer was more committed to me than I was to anything in my life from the very start. She came to see me at the hair salon I was training at and we had a brief first meeting and she had taken a liking to me right away. She's kind of like the mother I wish I had. She has been with me ever since and fighting for me at every appointment with every government authority. People listen to her because she has studied law and she is in a position where she can bite back. She, in turn, has applied for disability on my behalf and got me a disability carer to help me with stuff on a weekly basis. I just ran into a chain of amazing ladies who cared more about me than my mother ever did. It's relieving to know they have my back, but random people don't know about all these people supporting me so I can barely function, so I still get appalled reactions when they find out I don't work 9-5, suffer from depression amongst other things, my apartment is a mess, I don't have a social life and just don't have my shit together. I usually resort to rolling my eyes and walking away before I smack them. Over here, it's truly "unheard of" that a twenty-something year-old is not employed at some big company making big money for someone else and getting little money in return to barely stay alive. And anything that's "not normal" is shunned and demonized. This is why I don't like to engage with society here and don't really make friends. It's hard to find those who understand. I mean, I could probably find those at one of the events my disability carer keeps inviting me to... But, people... Daylight... Fucked up sleep schedule... I just can't do it. If you live nearby and are nocturnal, hmu. So I guess the answer is, I don't deal with it at all. I just avoid everyone who makes me feel bad about myself. Whether it's family dropping by uninvited and asking me "what do you do now?" or maintenance people I have to let into my home asking me all kinds of awkward questions sort of beating around the bush about the state of my apartment... I just ask them to do their job and leave. Or I say I'm going through a rough time and they wouldn't understand. My favorite thing is acting arrogant about it. Just making it very clear that they are very, very uneducated in the stuff I'm struggling with usually shuts them up. You can't judge what you don't understand - that would make you an asshole. And people's egos don't like that. Try it some time, tell me how it goes. Not if it's family though, they'll likely pretend they know you better than you know yourself and throw all kinds of useless advice at you so just tell them to go away. Or have a nervous breakdown in front of them. That happened. Chances are they won't know how to handle you and just leave you alone cause you're making them uncomfortable.

What is your preferred soda pop? I hate soda. Everything about the sweet, sticky, fizzy stuff is sickening. Doesn't even have alcohol so what's the point. 

You're able to place charms or spells of emotional protection is there any for emotional supression? Yes, but I don't stand for that. Emotions are much too important to tamper with them. Unless you're dealing with someone who won't leave you alone, then try a binding or mirror spell. 

I hope you enjoyed reading the questions and the answers were satisfactory - if they weren't, feel free to ask for clarification in the April Q&A I'll be posting next week! April is my birthday month in case that sparks any questions? I get excited for my birthday because of complicated reasons I will not elaborate on but also because I'm still alive and people give me free drinks. I just love Aries season and I cannot lie. Lol 

I hope you have a good rest of your day and I'm gonna work on a new recording tonight, wish me luck!