trauma blog (Patreon)

Two days ago, I had an emotional meltdown. But it was unlike any other because of what it did to me. I'm used to being triggered, crying and being overwhelmed by emotion to the point of plain passing out. It's everything besides that which changed who I am and how I view things. 

I'm sorry if I'm painfully vague with how I word things. It's because I've been subjected to unbearable consequences for being straightforward about my inner experience and, frankly, it's safer to use words that could be taken any number of ways. I just don't want any chance of anyone trying to fight me about my reality while I'm still fragile about defending my truth. 

But besides the vagueness and, what I'd like to call a refined ambiguity, from this moment on you'll get me the realest I've ever been. The hardest part is not apologizing for everything that I am. To say what I think and accept any responses that may arise. It's been a great defense mechanism for me and an attempt to avoid conflict. And while I usually say what I think, I always avoided making myself vulnerable in the process. Thought processes learned early and practiced so often that they became subconscious were trying to predict every possible reaction to anything I say so I could close myself off, dissociate in time to avoid the hit of any potential negative reactions thrown at me... In much simpler words, I had to brace myself. And for good reason. 

Two days ago, I remembered bits and pieces of my past. Not all of it in its entirety, for that would be far too overwhelming. But I remembered what I had to go through from no perspective other than my own. Those memories, those feelings and that consciousness... Were once buried deep in the blackness behind my eyes. I gained back a piece of me that was missing and I knew it was missing but couldn't remember what it was. It's a piece of me that held not only these painful memories, but also awareness, openness, free will and a sharp mind - all of which I'm trying to hold on to so it doesn't slip away and leave me hollow like I was. 

The hardest part is rewriting my life story, for the truth and the story that other people wanted to tell about me are in conflict and I'm trying my best to not fall back into thinking I'm the problem. It still takes me convincing to accept that rather than being fundamentally wrong and bad, I was failed by everyone around me. It still hurts to recall the details, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm better off for it. My greatest fear at the moment is forgetting my greatest pain. 

I remind myself daily, I validate myself daily - and while I'm sure the next surge of memories and painful things to process will come around, I am avoiding pushing myself too much. Because if I push myself too much, I will dissociate, and I will forget. And I will lose the awareness and ability to think that is the difference between being alive and merely surviving. I challenge myself daily, but my priority is to stay... Conscious. 

Subsequently, I'm starting from baseline when it comes to expanding my capacity for functioning. I want to do the same thing with my videos. I want to start with something very easy which I can perfect... Because that's all I'm asking, it's perfection - so as to get back into the process of video creation. And then I want to work my way up to the astonishing visions in my head, which I have reliably failed to live up to for the past months. I am learning new tools and crafts to make all of that happen (but never more than I am able to process at any given time), which I may write about at a later time. 

You may wonder, how in the world did I function before? It makes me sad to admit that all I did was build on the coping mechanisms my abusers forced me to develop in order to "seem normal." And all I care to share at the moment is that I was threatened into "functioning" ... They threatened to take me to the mental ward where they said I would be locked up forever if I "insisted" that I'm not ok. If I didn't stop crying. If I didn't "behave". Every time. So I had to behave and I had to not feel and I had to become whatever it was they wanted from me and I'm at this point now where I'm working through the discrepancies between who I am and who I needed to be in order to preserve my mind... In order to remember all that I am. Eventually. But mostly, in order to be alive. 

This foundation was weak and bound to collapse and I believe that is exactly what happened over the course of my depression. 

I want to be fully alive this year. It may not happen soon, but I refuse to go back to the sad and confused existence I was leading. To an abused mind, nothing is worse than the truth. But in healing, nothing is worse than not knowing. 

I know some of you are going to want to congratulate me on coming this far. But I want you to know that I take no credit for the path unfolding before me. Healing, remembering and learning to create from the inside out - are all the result of the life I was born into and removed from personal merit. Though I do wish to build some of that in the future. The only thing I take credit for is surviving. 

Thank you for listening to me and taking me as I am.