why am I loved only when I'm gone? (Patreon)

This set of photos I'm sharing in my various "Behind The Scenes" but-really-I -just-feel-chatty posts is my personal tribute to autumn. Even with the most amazing cameras, it's not possible to capture exactly what your eyes see - so I work with filters to superimpose the vibe I'm going for on my photos. That's the kind of photographer I am. Photos are so much more than pretty pictures. They have the power to convey emotion and complex ideas. To me personally, unfiltered photos usually seem plain and boring unless it's an undeniably magnificent shot of a once in a lifetime rare natural event or an even rarer case of being in the right place at the right time. I believe what's captured in the picture isn't quite as important as the eye. I don't just want to see pretty things, I want to see what the photographer sees. Even if it's a shitty photo layered with a half dozen filters, I'd still prefer it over a pristine shot of a mundane landscape. That's why I edit a lot of my photos in the most painfully unnatural colors. It sparks my imagination and it makes me happy. This particular example is more subtle. The sky was tinted a muted vermillion, but the camera didn't pick it up (and I haven't found any settings to mess with besides the pre-installed "picture profiles" and "picture effects" though I would really like to lower the contrast without fading every ounce of red) ... So instead of trying to artificially superimpose the color, which I don't have the editing skills necessary, I applied a filter that gave it a vivid blue hue. It gives the overall effect of a slightly gloomy forest, with the muted autumn colors on the bottom. I'm happy with the vibe. It's not perfect, but it captures what matters to me. The comfort of this blanket of darkness I walk through in my favorite season. The harshness of summer left behind, clouds and fog cast a protective blanket upon us sensitive people. 

So, I said in my last post I was going to talk about recreation. 

That's because I'm starting to meddle in the topic for the first time ever. It's a real revelation that is happening over here. This started to crop up when I decided to start living for myself. I noticed that I do absolutely fucking nothing "just for fun" = recreationally. I would work and I would take breaks from work when I could no longer work until I was able to go back to work and that's it. Easy to see why it felt like I didn't have a life if all I spent my time doing was ultimately for other people. Without realizing, I gave too much of myself and I didn't take enough. Even though I did things that seemed like they would be fun in my breaks from work, my mind was still at work. It's somewhat tricky to wrap your mind around so the best way I can explain it is this - picture you're working in an office and you're very stressed because of your work load. You decide to play a game on your computer in your lunch break, but it's not so much fun as it is a way of coping with stress - after all, you're still sitting in the office and you know you don't have much time before you need to go back to work and expose yourself to yet more stress. And now picture this is your entire life. You never leave the office. You sleep, eat and go to the bathroom in the office. You work overtime every day because you just can't meet your quota. You can't afford to sleep for fear of getting fired. Everything you do in the office is tainted with a daunting expectation of productivity. Everything becomes about productivity and you even contemplate ways to be productive while you're "not working" ... Umm, does this reek of burnout to anyone else? 

I don't want it to sound like it's anyone's fault but mine - you guys really give me the best job I could hope for. No one's doing this to me but my own guilt for being so damn slow. Just in case it needed to be said, I wanted this to be clear. 

Well, I've reached a turning point on this issue, too. It's become apparent to me that I have a seriously hard time filling everyone else's cup - on an empty cup. My moon is in Aquarius, if anyone's wondering. Deep inside, I am a water bearer. It's in my nature to give to the thirsty and to carry water where it is needed the most. I'd happily meet the needs of every single person on the planet if I could. But who's gonna fill my cup? I realized that I'm responsible for having water available to distribute. I can't serve people on just my sweat alone. I need to go to the well and get some damn water before I go to the people. What a shitty water bearer who doesn't have water to keep him/herself alive... Not to mention you guys can't be happy taking my water and knowing I'm thirsty. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel bad by wearing myself out. I consider myself a hard worker, but as of recently I try to gauge my limits and avoid working myself to exhaustion. And more importantly, I take trips to the well. 

It was my stupid parents who instilled in me the belief that I mustn't require a single thing, that I should be content with what little I was given by those who so mercifully saw that I was in need, which came down to just about no one. It really brings it home just how little the people you rely on for survival pay attention to you when you really do leave it up to them and you have to live with 100 unmet needs - 100 empty cups and no one sees you're thirsty. No one's even looking at you or asking you if you need anything, not even out of sheer politeness - if you're not visibly dying, you have more than enough. When I was young, I used to fantasize about being very ill, in a coma or otherwise visibly dying. (Being suicidal doesn't count, that's just "attention-seeking".) That idea seemed unreasonably appealing to me because it seemed like the only way I could get people to care about me. "Why am I loved only when I'm gone?" ... People really don't appreciate what they have until it vanishes from their life and suddenly they realize how much they took it for granted. I used to immerse myself in the feeling of dying, that gloomy hospital room, the worried faces of the people who were supposed to love me finally realizing what's really important. The taste of the crisp, cool water from the cup of genuine care and affection. I reveled in the sensation of love and caring attention being given to me freely and abundantly, for this time could be the last time. It truly felt as though the people who were supposed to love me could only appreciate me in the face of fear - fear of losing me. The only real love is that which is given to you that you don't have to beg for. 

But if you have to manipulate people into loving you, that's still not genuine. It just feels a little closer to the real thing because at least you didn't have to beg for it. The difference is very very minute. You're still just scraping by on a fake fantasy of being loved. 

Well this took a dark turn...

I'm relieved to say, this fantasy is no longer something I entertain. As of the last two years, I'm lucky enough to be with someone whom I don't have to beg to give me attention, who is happy to love on me and meet my needs. We all need someone like that. Especially since Samhain, I've been more open and happier (or more openly happier?) and I'm amazed at the reactions. Excuse me, what? You don't mean to tell me I'm not obnoxious when I'm happy and hyper... You think I'm cute? You like it when I'm happy? Wow, that's new... What? People are happy when I'm happy? Are we in upside down land? I could swear it used to be the other way around... No one's ever happy for me - what is this sorcery?! Everything I know is wrong... 

Even as my last relationship came to an end, she would prove my assumptions right. She was only interested in spending time with me when she had to fear losing me. Until Jack came around, I didn't realize a person could be so committed and true to their word. In my world, words like "forever", "eternal" and "I'm here for you" were just things you would say to someone if you wanted to woo them. It came as a surprise to me that he actually does what he says and means it. Truly a man of integrity. His love has opened my eyes to what love can really be and what it should be. I never have to doubt that he loves me for me because the more I express me the more he loves me. Again... 

Regarding this, the only disservice I've ever done to him and to myself was holding back and not allowing him to fully love me. 

Were we talking about something? Oh, right...

I've made it a priority to give myself more freedom in taking what I need to fill up my cup. I can now wrap my head around the idea of doing something for fun, like that one time two years ago when I took us out to see a movie, leaving everyone in my head looking at me like this. It used to be unthinkable to do something for fun, much less spend money while doing so. But I'm embracing the idea that life could actually have something to give me - that somewhere out there, however uncommon, there could be something I want, or at least something humorous. Man, whenever something unexpectedly funny happens, I'm just milking it. We all need to play and need to get enjoyment out of life to consider it worth living. Without it, what do we have left? All pain and struggles, all empty cups. Life is not meant to be lived in deprivation, in a desperate attempt to "earn our keep" to be allowed to exist. And yet somehow, that is the only way I used to feel justified - that and dying. Only if I was dying and depriving myself of fun should people ever take me seriously. It's an endearingly innocent desire, even though you can't call yourself endearing without people calling you narcissistic and conceited. Which is bullshit. Narcissism is an attachment disorder. Not a fancy word to describe someone who has a positive opinion of themselves. I think certain things about me are adorable and endearing. It's called not discriminating against yourself on the sole basis of trying to avoid people making dumb assumptions about your character based on you exhibiting self-loving behaviors. Just throwing that out there. 

You know what else is not at all narcissistic and not at all selfish? Seeking out fun in life. Turns out, (who fucking knew?!), there's nothing wrong with buying a book just because you want to read it or buying a jack-o-lantern bucket full of stale pop corn just because you like Halloween. There's nothing wrong with getting the good coffee from your favorite coffee shop just because you can and it's delicious. My parents really did me a disservice by just making me have to justify every single thing I wanted - like I needed a solid and logical reason for why I should have something other than simply wanting it. I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to do that to myself. There's no one policing my spending or what I consider important, no one telling me my priorities are wrong and holding me to a dumb frugal standard and depriving me of fun because it "logically doesn't make sense to be having fun." That's easily something that lizard dick Windmark could have said. Bruh, you ain't got no lips so zip it. 

On Halloween I had a lovely date with Jack, drinking and watching a shitty horror movie - and there's no other way I'd rather have spent my favorite holiday. I put on a costume last minute, just for fun and to send Jack selfies. It was a great memory. I want more of those memories. I want to live a fun and spontaneous life where everything I do doesn't have to be "for a greater purpose" or "at least productive"... A life that doesn't revolve around the work I do, so I can be free and enjoy work again. A thing I particularly enjoy is going out to eat. I genuinely enjoy paying people to make me food that I couldn't make that good myself. I enjoy my healthy home cooked meals just the same, but I also enjoy something different and truly satisfying. Something that doesn't just fill my empty stomach, but that makes my taste buds and my body feel alive. Gurl's gotta eat to live as much as she gotta eat to want to live. One day I'm gonna go to that upscale Vietnamese restaurant and order the fanciest sounding dish and the prettiest martini they have. One day...

Truthfully, I was gonna get two martinis, but I applied the same logic to margaritas when I went out with my best friend on Sunday and by the time I was done with one I was hanging over the table and they brought our food and I downed the last little sip and the lime slice from the rim fell on my face. 

I'll let you savor that image after I've hopefully made my point. 

And remember - just because yo mama didn't let you play games until you finished all your homework, doesn't mean you have to deprive yourself of anything that makes you glad to be alive.