eyes in a still lake (Patreon)

Insomnia again today
I say I try to live my life
As fully as I can anyway
But has my avoidance led me astray?

Out of everything
That my brain tells me I should do
Stop wasting my life away
But what does it mean to be alive
And how does it feel?

How would I know I'm doing it right?

I only know that I'm afraid of all the potential,
Possible wrongs
I think I'm not doing the best that I could
But what would the best be?
Out of everything
That my brain tells me I should

I only know a life that's dissatisfactory
And I think it can be
Better for sure
It's a day to day
And a moment to moment
Unfolding of life path potentials, you see

I'm worn out, exhausted, but if I lie down now
Will I be able to sleep?
I have too much energy
Please take it away from me
I've already tried everything under the sun
And still cannot figure out how

My back keeps on aching
My brain just feels dead
And yet
There's still comfort inside it aswell
Abstract as it sounds,
It's as if something in me
Focuses better, nearly asleep
And it is wide awake for that matter
Like eyes in a still lake
Under a moonbeam

I think I get it now - almost, I think
It's just hard to explain
I'm sleepy all day when I should feel awake
Wasting my life away
Feeling guilty every day
And the eyes don't let me sleep
Don't let me close mine
Don't let me rest
Because for some twisted reason
I'm at my best
And I get the most out of life
When I'm hardly awake

It's difficult to handle these contradictory impulses. Being wide awake yet extremely tired at the same time. Maybe it's cause I'm living against my internal clock. So far I've been just lying there because my body is a drag after 22 hours but then I sleep and then I lie there again because I'm still sleepy for 8 hours and then maybe I casually start doing something but I feel like my brain is still asleep while I do things, like I'm not aware of anything because I can't be because I'm sleeping. And then I don't use all the energy I have so I'm up for a long time, grow tired and heavy but I'm too high strung to go to sleep. I'm actually doing my best thinking now that I'm tired and I want to attribute some of it to the fact that my brain has stopped processing stressors like noise and it's like someone injected my headspace with novacaine and the thoughts come easy and I feel present and I'm capable of feeling positive emotion for a change. It's like what I imagine "normal" people naturally have - this buffer that allows them to remain centered in this chaotic hustle and bustle. My problem has always been that I don't have that. I feel overwhelmed by life itself, except when I'm so exhausted that I can finally form a clear thought without much distraction. It's like my perception is limited to my headspace alone and therefore I don't register threat. I missed this feeling, I think I last was able to think straight as a child, when I could not yet conceptualize of my environment. When life happend through me rather than to me. 

It may sound like I'm romanticizing insomnia - but to be honest, it irks me how people nowadays shout "romanticism" at anyone who talks about any health related thing in a way that can't be summarized as "horrible thing that must be fixed at all cost - please seek help" - as if constantly trying to fix yourself somehow redeems you from going through what you do... And that if you find any good in it whatsoever you're "romanticizing" a horrible thing that needs to be fixed at all cost and you're "offending" everyone who isn't currently living the "good" parts that you are. It's as if even suggesting that you could have a life worth living with a serious mental condition is outrageous, "how dare you?!" make something decidedly all bad seem not all bad! "Who do you think you are?!" for even just a fraction of a second not hating everything about yourself and your life... Well, it's honestly not hurting me at the moment. I honestly feel like it's helping me at the moment. I feel better now than in a day I've slept. I'm calmer now than in a day I've slept. I think clearer now than in a day I've slept. And I feel like a whole new, better way of experiencing life is right there at my fingertips, if I can only learn to live from this space, learn to manage my tired, heavy body and do things anyway. It seems that all I need to do is let this part of my mind control my body, move it like a giant tank in which I am protected from the outside world - at least until I fall asleep.

It seems that I am more alive when my brain is dreaming.