life and work update (Patreon)

I have a lot to do but I feel like writing this post instead. Writing calms me (unless I'm being graded then it's a fucking nightmare.) I'm hoping to have a quiet morning, regaining my strength after the late night has left me quite fatigued. 

I filmed late into the night yesterday. Finally, some progress. I've been trying to film this crystal healing video for 3 weeks with no success so I really needed a win. Except I tried something different. I've been learning SRC lyrics (I had to write my own for Strung Out) and thought I might make an emo trash singing video. (It's not a phase, mom!) Then some of the lyrics made me think of Shiki and that made me think of how Ray wanted to go to the city and I think I found a decent enough storyline to build some videos on. I filmed some singing and quiet chatting with a new character who gives you an insight into her story, how she became a Shiki and stuff, hopefully giving the whole story more dimension through explaining how another Shiki might feel about being undead. This new character is a classy singer at a club for Shiki. We drink bottled blood and talk about the future of the planet and shit. I bought us some fancy goblets for that. It took me a little bit to get used to the lenses (that are a year old but I'm just gonna gamble on that - I store them properly and clean them and shit) but I'm not even kidding - I'm a pro at putting in sclera lenses. It took me less than 5 minutes for both and I didn't fuck up my elaborate eye makeup. I'm gonna need some Ray footage for the end of the video but getting into a Ray costume for two seconds of footage seems like a waste of my time so I'm working out a plot for picking up after the cliffhanger. Her friend (Maya) wakes up, but then what? Well, Maya is coming back with a new look. I don't like the short black wig (that I already fucked up for scalp massage videos lol) so I'm casually hoping everyone forgot what she looked like so I can just give her straight messy hair and call it good enough. That's right, there's not gonna be one Shiki video, there's gonna be two Shiki videos. I'm not sure I can pump them both out before Halloween, but I'll try my best. 

All the videos are probably gonna be crammed into the second half of the month. I washed my hair last night so today I'm just waiting for that to air dry because my hair is more dead than Shiki and hair care is very specific and rigorous. More on that on my Q&A post later in the month. That means until it's usable again I'll do as many packages as I can before my carer appointment tomorrow. Once it's dry, I'm thinking about doing a bit of a late night outdoor shoot with Ray for part of the video. Stepping on crunchy leaves should be a nice ASMR sound. I just don't wanna have too many late nights cause I really value quality time with Jack before we go to bed. Or try. Lately I'm lucky if I pass out from exhaustion at some point. Especially when I don't get to exercise, sleep is hard to come by. It might be conducive to getting into character, being a zombie in real life. 

That's it for the video talk though. 

I think they're finally turning the heat back on over here. Finally. It's been freezing. Not like frozen-freezing but like, too-chilly-to-get-out-of-bed-freezing. But since this morning all my heaters have been making splashy noises, like flowing water, so maybe that means I can have a warm apartment again. When I don't sleep enough, my body temperature drops quite low and I am dependent on being able to warm up frequently. I keep my blow dryer by the bed. I never blow dry my hair, I just use it to warm my bed. I can't even begin to tell you how relieving the heat feels. I used to have a heating pad but before Leo died, he made sure to pee on it which rendered it unusable. A lot of my stuff still smells like cat pee. Towels and blankets and my mattress and stuff. One time I let the black cat in because it was cold out and he freaked out when he smelled another cat in here so I let him back out again. 

On another note, I find the splashy noises quite pleasant and kinda want to make a video while those are a thing. I just don't know what lol. Who else likes water sounds? I find them extremely relaxing. I'm a little bit disorganized (understatement of the year) so I'm working on a bunch of things at the same time but once they're done, there will be a flood (no pun intended) of nice videos. 

I recently purchased a new foundation. I can't even begin to tell you guys. It's so relieving to have a foundation that works. If you're a ghost, it's hard to find shit that works with your skin tone. Especially if you're a ghost who likes to hide.

This is the lightest shade and it's just barely light enough that it's almost indistinguishable from my skin. Wanna guess what they called that shade? Porcelain? No. Ivory? No. ... Linen. You know what linen is? It's a sheet. You know what a sheet is? A ghost. Honestly, they may aswell have called it Casper. I'd still buy it. Definitely the most expensive foundation I ever bought but I tried it out in the Lucy video and a tiny bit goes a long way. I can finally throw out all the other crap I've been putting up with. No offense, Manhattan, but your lightest shade is like four shades too dark. I've been going through days on end, putting on makeup for videos that never turned out and now I can finally simplify that process with a simple product swap that actually works.

Yesterday, I had opera cake for the first time. Simon and Martina posted a video about coffee which convinced me to get a treat for coffee time and enjoy the video. In my humble opinion, one of the worst things ever is watching other people enjoy something you can't have. The fancy cafe in the mall often has french desserts. They didn't have the raspberry tarts I liked that I might have showed you, but they did have opera cake. Ever since I saw it in an awesome anime, I've wanted to try it. It's overhyped. But I'm still glad I tried it. Otherwise I wouldn't know that it's overhyped. I'm low key looking for more treats to show you. Thank you so much for voting for my favorite treats for the October Extras video. It's so much easier to film two minutes at a time than vlog a whole day. Besides, I like treats. I mean, I really really like treats. I treat myself a lot. It's what I need to get through life. Opera cake is not gonna make it in my favorites, sadly. It just can't compare to fried dough, which seems to be a common theme in my favorite treats. I'm excited to show you what all we have to munch on over here. 

It's also nice to read your comments saying thank you on my posts. It makes me warm and fuzzy. Admittedly, also a little bit guilty. But I always feel guilty, it's a narcissistic abuse thing. As I mentioned before, I feel bad for being so behind on videos and rewards and your thanks makes me feel like, well... like you're not mad at me. I'm glad you're enjoying the meditations and it motivates me to work more. Even with only 10k views in over a week on my meditation video. Gah. What's a girl gotta do to get her work out there?! From the comments, though, I know that it still made a big impact and I'm glad it did. After rendering for 8 days straight (with one failed video where my computer crashed in the middle of rendering), I'm seriously glad it did. Most of the render time comes from the grain filter. I didn't use that on my vlog and it rendered so fucking fast. Turns out quality takes time lol. Who fucking knew? I just need to feel like my hard work is worth it so leaving feedback is always appreciated. 

I'm slowly but surely running out of patience for the consulate to give me my visa interview. I wanna come live with Jack already and it's been getting progressively harder to deal with the fact that I can't touch him or smell him or hug him when I want to. I just wanna sit next to him while we work and play with his goatee and distract him like the cat that I am. I want to go places together. There's nothing here that I would want to do alone. There's nothing for me here. I'm so extremely over this whole place and this country. I don't even speak the language if I can get out of it. I honestly feel trapped and stuck and dependent on random people for the future of my life and my relationship. I'd wait for him forever because he's worth it, but you know, I'd rather not actually wait forever. It would be nice if things could just go well for me for a change. So far it's been no sleep and unproductive and shit breaking all over the place. I'm a little resentful that I have to put up with all kinds of repairs that I won't even benefit from because I'm gonna be outta here as soon as I get a green light. So it's been a frustrating time and I'm tapping into my deepest hidden resources to get through it. 

Soon it's back to being a zombie, drinking blood and forgetting that I have a life outside of roleplays. I made some incredibly realistic looking blood with red juice and red food coloring - what I did not expect was for it to taste like iron. The juice had added iron but damn, you can really taste it. It's not good. In fact, it only tastes good when you're a Shiki. Playing various Shiki makes me wonder what it would be like to actually be undead, not dependent on food with the power to take down enemies, unrestricted by stupid societal norms and the agony inherent in being an outsider, but requiring things from the very people who shun you. If I were undead, I would be truly independent - and in my mind, truly free. I would never have to be seen except by my victims for the last 10 seconds of their lives. I wouldn't have to see daylight nor be made fun of for how I look. I wouldn't have to put up with any of that just to stay alive. This dilemma reminds me a lot of childhood. I had to put up with my parents' abuse just because I was dependent on them and I spent all my life wishing I wasn't dependent on them. I drew the line at homelessness but that's about it. It was a huge motivation behind not eating. I wouldn't let myself want or require anything so they would have nothing to hold against me or threaten me with, nothing to take away if I didn't comply. This is why I have a hard time building relationships. I am fully committed to preserving my freedom and I resent myself and resent the world if I end up in a place of dependence anyway. I would live on air if I could. Save some money and gain some freedom. If I was weather resistant I wouldn't even need shelter. Alas, I'm a sensitive human bean and being slightly cold or slightly warm is close to unbearable. When I'm under too much stress, I have the power to numb it all out. But I'm not usually under too much stress. I was back at home, but it all got a lot better when I moved out. I used to keep my place very clean because I cared. I don't anymore. I'm done here and I'm beyond ready to move on.

//Ally