to be lovable (Patreon)

Lately I've been struggling with being compared to other artists. This really triggers my insecurities and I'm pretty heartbroken about it. I'm sure it hasn't escaped you how much work and time and energy I put into all my videos (and how much sweat and tears) ... so nothing puts a damper on my enthusiasm quite like, surely, well-meaning comments with no harmful intent whatsoever, referring to other artists on my videos. With every video I try to outdo myself, to make it the best I've ever made, to maybe try and escape that backdrawer of B-grade ASMR that the algorithm has thrown me into because I don't fucking make YouTube any money... and then I read "yeah, but - check out Goodnight Moon" (as if everyone doesn't already know Goodnight Moon) ... sigh. Well, you got me there. I'm not that good and I don't think I can be. In my mind, what happens is that now everyone reads this comment and subscribes to Goodnight Moon and forgets I ever existed. Also getting complimented on my appearance and then reading "Yeah, but - not as pretty as Pelagea" doesn't make me feel good about myself at all. I try not to compare myself to other artists but the thing is - other people already do that for me. That being said, I know you like me because I'm different. I hear you when you tell me that I have a unique place and help lots of people. I just never feel like it's good enough. I'm never first place, I never get any awards, I'm never respected in my field, in fact - even in my own community I'm a complete outsider. Other artists don't like me very much it feels like. And everytime someone says or even implies that someone else is better than me at the only thing I'm remotely good at, I lose hope. 

Why? Why would someone so wonderful and unique lose hope? That's what I'm just gonna pretend you're asking right now. Well, I put it down to the simple fact that my parents didn't love me. My parents made it very clear that I had to be the best and anything less than that was unacceptable. Most parents would be happy about an A- on a test, right? Not my parents. I remember running up to my mom, almost skipping with excitement about my amazing grade - but all I got in return was "Why not an A+?" ... Yep, scarred me for life. It all went downhill from there. My mother in particular is a huge nitpicker and no matter how well I did something, she would always find shit to point out that she thought I could have done better or should have done better. I'm sure it doesn't come as a surprise to you, but I ended up internalizing that. She also made it very clear that any personal progress I make doesn't matter for shit unless I have something to show for myself. What I did never counted unless someone handed me an award for it. If you couldn't look at my achievements, touch my achievements, (fucking eat my achievements?!) - they didn't exist. I didn't exist. I didn't study unless my teacher wrote an A+ on a piece of paper and I wasn't sick unless a doctor wrote a diagnosis on a piece of paper. ... Anybody else?

All I wanted was to be lovable. All I wanted was for my parents to value me and say that they're proud of me. They never did. Not even once. And even if they said it now, I wouldn't believe them. I don't think they know how to value someone or feel pride. So everytime someone says someone else is better at something that matters to me, this feeling of "I am unlovable" takes over. I crave the appreciation I get for my videos so badly and nothing destroys it faster than comparison. My videos make me feel like I have value. And I honestly feel undervalued (you may exclude yourself from that statement) because of the puny number of views I get. Like, when someone's 10 minute "review" of a sparkly dildo for "ASMR" gets more views than one of my elaborate roleplays, I feel like there's a problem. That's what I mean by backdrawer. YouTube doesn't even send my videos to my own damn subscribers (I get that fairly often) much less recommend them in the sidebar of someone else's (monetized) related video. Super unfair, yet I can't do shit about it. I can't assert myself unless I play by the new rules which I can't submit to without hating myself. All I can do is continue to do my absolute best and hope that over time people will notice me and I'll get the attention and appreciation I think I deserve. I don't mind being a little bit underrated but ffs, at least I want more views than a stupid dildo. 

The problem with that has become apparent to me in the past days. I've been so absorbed in video creation and trying to improve fucking everything that I've neglected myself big time. I didn't notice at first (it used to be just normal to me) but as I've worked harder and harder, got more and more worn out, miserable and irritable - I hit a point where I had to say 

I can't keep centering my life around hoping for approval from strangers so I can feel like my existence is justified. It's not working out for me. First of all, I've been trying for days to record a video and I can't even control when I get to do that cause my neighbors are fucking dicks, tiny, tiny, miserable, floppy, sad little dicks - second of all I've been putting off exercising to be able to prepare for videos that I never got to do because of sad floppy dicks... It left me very unbalanced and irritable. I have to work within my limitations and have specific needs which I may expand on in the future, but basically, I can't work out and film a video in one day. I have to pick between the two. I've been picking work for days on end and nothing ever came of it which ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back. Never have I slipped so quickly from ambitious and frustrated into defiant and resentful. 

I decided I have to put myself first. I know, it's what you've always told me - and I spent two hours writing about my hidden motivation behind overworking myself up there. I kinda miss the days when I was a nobody and nobody expected anything of me. (Not that I want to revert back to that, please don't leave) ... I used to be able to share whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and my days were about whatever I fucking pleased. I was sharing from a place of wanting to give. I'm not sure when, but at some point I've started wanting something in return. I've started to want acknowledgement and appreciation and respect - and the more negative comments I got (as is natural with more exposure), the more I felt I wasn't getting that. I still get a lot of appreciation, but the net balance is a little off now compared to when I was a grain of sand in the desert of the internet. When you have 20k subscribers, you get a couple hundred likes on a video and maybe one or two dislikes, three if someone just resents you in particular cause you're happily taken or whatever, but now I publish a highly appraised, elaborate video that took me a week to create and 42 people hit dislike. That's 42 people that shit on my week of hard work. 2.1k people hit the like button and that's awesome - but 42 people (picture a classroom and a half) hate my creation of love and connection so much that they deliberately pressed thumbs down to be sure that I notice, like they want it to sting. So of course I think to myself, what am I doing this for? I want more out of life than working nonstop only for people to dislike my, admittedly, pretty great videos and tell me that I'm "still not as good as [insert popular ASMR girl here]" ... For one, this makes me aware of what exactly I want out of the deal. And two, it makes me feel pretty powerless because I can try my hardest, but I can't make people like me - which in turn makes me want to exert control by withdrawing attention. You think I suck? Well, fine. You're not getting one more piece of me, cause fuck you, that's why. I'm not gonna make one more video unless I fucking happen to feel like it, that'll teach them. ... That's kind of my thought process when I go into defiance. It's the same strategy I used with my parents, except it doesn't yield a desirable outcome with inattentive narcissistic mothers and absentee fathers. Sometimes I want to disappear just so people know what they're missing.  But that's manipulative and even though it was the only, desperate attempt at controlling anything I had access to growing up, I don't stand for that. And also I still want to make videos. I just also want to not feel taken for granted. And that's why I gotta put myself first and take good care of myself. I realize most people are not actually taking me for granted, but I just set myself up to feel this way by giving too much of myself when I know it's costing me my sanity and quality of life. Apparently, a subconscious part of me thought it was worth it and I'm sure, someday I'll know why. 

So there you have it, a detailed breakdown of why I don't feel good enough and keep complaining about being underappreciated. 

The other day I entertained the thought "I am worthy" - which is... new... unusual... and I'm not sure what to make of it. I feel like it takes a lot of courage to even think that because from what I've experienced, there are people everywhere, readily available and willing to argue with you about your worth. It feels like they're just waiting for you to say something positive about yourself, like "I am worthy" - just so they can hit you over the back of your head and go "no you're not. Who the hell do you think you are? You're a selfish, entitled, despicable little brat and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking you deserve anything." Or that's what it feels like when they break out in laughter like psycho hyenas when you say you have something of value to give. It puzzles me how such things can happen. And yet they happen. 

I recently remembered who I was before society broke me, which is huge and points to recovery. Ever since that pivotal moment, I'm holding onto the memory and the feeling like my life depends on it - and I feel like it does. Believe it or not, there was a time when I didn't question my worth - when I lived for myself and not for someone else's approval. I remember what I liked and what made me happy. I remember how I treated myself, how I took care of myself, even though I didn't have many options in the household I had to be in. I remember collecting crystals and being criticized for it and told that I'm "wasting money on useless junk". I thought I was beautiful and alluring, until I made some bad experiences that led me to rejecting my attractiveness and my sexuality. I remember things I wish, very very badly, had never happened to me. And now I also remember who I was that I wasn't allowed to be. I want more than anything, to embrace that, get my life sorted and to no longer deprive myself of the experiences I'd rather be having. Over time, everything that happened to me built up so much and I couldn't resolve any of it because I didn't know how, I didn't know where to start... That I started to forget, suppress and deny things in an attempt to banish them from my being. I didn't want those things to affect me because that would mean that other people had the power to inflict pain on me and force me into submission, and I didn't wanna give them that - I didn't want to face the powerlessness they ultimately did make me feel. But at least, I didn't want them to know they did. That's why now, I'm made out of coping and defense mechanisms and strategies that I'm working so hard to shed in order to have a life again. 

I think remembering who I was and this recent decision to put myself first no matter what, if nothing else, makes a great basis for a treat day, that I'm still hoping to film for you very soon. It's hard sometimes because of the neglect and self-neglect I went through, to pay attention to and be aware of what I want and what makes me happy. But at least now I have some ideas. 

So yeah, I had to put off the video I was working on for a little bit (I haven't given up on it - I haven't even moved a single candle on my set) but in the meantime I found something else to do. I couldn't sleep last night and, as it so happens, wrote a guided meditation based on my need for comfort in that moment. Today I tried to get some flowers for the video but the only two florists that were still open by the time I left my house didn't have any of the flowers I wanted. (What do I have to do to get some crimson hydrangea around here?! lol) I'll try again when I run errands in the morning. Fortunately, most florists open by the time my carer comes to pick me up and I'm hopeful that there will be some nice flowers that I can work with for the color scheme that I want. Warm and autumnal, like the meditation itself. I'm very excited to share it (and also anxious cause - what do I have to do to be good enough around here?! lol) and I hope you'll like it when it comes out. 

I think that's all I had to say. I feel much better after getting this off my chest (and my ribcage and lungs and thymus and general upper torso) so if you're still reading - thank you, I appreciate the attention and interest. Maybe in the future I'll elaborate on the changes I'm implementing after deciding to

Hehe, I had to. If you have any questions, my September Q&A post is still open and I'm looking forward to answering your questions this week. 

Thank you for your patience, I hope you are well.

//Ally