tender moments (Patreon)

"How's your next thing coming?" - Always such appropriate suggestions, Patreon. This photo is from an attempted outdoor shoot that I had to toss cause people. I was smart enough to shoot the thumbnails first this time so at least I have a pretty picture to share with you, albeit grainy cause low light. 

I just finished editing a video that is very close to my heart about a topic I've personally struggled with. I meant to edit this yesterday, but ended up having anxiety attacks all day - just when I thought I could be extra productive or somewhat productive - leaving me to ponder questions like "Why am I so sensitive?" and "Why does this bother me so much?" ... At least I have gained some valuable answers regarding things that have previously been unclear. My day yesterday has been like Zoella's day when Freelee pissed all over her for not being vegan. I hope I never get famous enough for angry vegans to notice me, lol. Either way, I'll be having anxiety attacks for a while because I always do when I have to deal with these issues that I'm not going to bother you with. But I'm beginning to find my only strength in taking the good with the bad. I guess this is the kind of thing you develop when you've been beaten enough that you have to do something if you want to survive. The video I'm talking about is basically the kind of experience I wish I had when I was at my worst and all alone. It might not hit home with many of you, but I hope someone out there who is suffering like I have suffered will find in this, something they didn't know they needed - and I hope it makes a lasting enough impression for them to start opening up and seeking out support. Unless it get's flagged as 18+ in which case that would defeat the purpose a little bit because especially young people would really benefit from this. It will likely be available tomorrow, as it has about 10 more hours left to render. 

Seeing as how today will likely be spent in recovery, I'm reluctant to project expectations onto reality. I feel that doing so, more often than not leaves me paralyzed, overwhelmed and disappointed at the same time. Patreon is quite buggy at the moment so I can't browse my homepage to see what needs to be done, saying "Down for maintenance" for 3 days now. Every other feature works. But maybe, a little less pressure from within myself and a little more intuition and healing is just what the doctor ordered. I've spent years of my life planning out days, filling my mental schedule with things that stress me out and then dreading getting out of bed and procrastinating everything. Anyone else guilty of that? People like us need to learn to include things to look forward to in a day. Needless to say, I'll be happy to provide videos you can look forward to. It's never quite as many as I wish I could spam you with so you'd never run out of things to look forward to. But maybe that makes them more special. 

Excuse me, I'm having one of those tender moments with a part of me that cares more than I will ever admit to. Sometimes I just want to make a difference in someone's life, presumably because of how trivial I felt growing up. Or maybe making a positive change in someone's life would make me feel like a good person when I spend most of my life compensating for my extraordinarily low self-worth. I just feel like it would be a waste to die without giving something of myself to the world. They say we are meant to teach others to overcome the very tragedies we ourselves were burdened with. I'm barely starting to find the strength to live on and take life for the cruel experience it is - and somehow I find solace in that. Maybe it takes the blame off of me for everything that others choose to do to me, but acknowledging the harshness and inherent cruelty of reality makes me less avoidant of my own pain. This is the very belief that gives me courage to carry on... And having love gives me motivation. 

I will let this feeling flood me and see where I end up.

//Ally

P.s.:  I didn't realize there was a Community segment on my page! No wonder I was so confused when I got some e-mails and was like where the hell are said comments.... doh! Lol