life and a pleasant dream (Patreon)

I had one of the more pleasant dreams life will grant me occasionally last night. Though I woke up to toddlers running and screaming above my head, so I'd much rather go back to sleep and tell Satan he ain't shit.

The next video will be available tonight. It still has 4 hours left to render. You probably haven't noticed unless you go back sometimes and check the stats on my polls (and why in the world would you do that? lol) but I closed the sex signs poll a couple days ago. Scorpio won so you can look forward to 80 minutes of that tonight. It was a bit challenging to get back into video creation after what feels like a really long time and with my mental health lately. But I'm trying. After one failed attempt cut short by dissociation, I managed to film this one more or less focused. If you notice any changes in my voice or way of speaking, please kindly ignore that and know that all is well. 

I'm wearing the new dress in the video and it fits quite well so I'll get some use out of it at least until I lose some weight again because for an XS, it's quite generously sized. I like having something light (with sleeves) I can wear in the summer. In case you guys didn't know, I have no proper summer clothes (because Germany has no proper summer) and half the things I own are faux leather = very sweaty materials. Does not work well on a very sweaty person in very sweaty weather. I'm looking forward to getting more wearable clothes after I'm moved. All I really need is one comfy, high waisted skirt and I can make all my sassy t-shirts work lol. 

One of my joys when the sun is trying to kill all of humanity is making iced coffee. I make a big bottle that lasts me two days and flavor it differently each time. Call me lazy, but I love not having to filter and boil water for coffee first thing in the morning. If you live outside of Germany, over here it's not a great idea to drink tap water, mostly simply because we have just stupid hard water. This is why my towels crunch when I take them off the dryer, and that's with fabric softener already on them. I heard from a crazy lady on YouTube that the softest water we have in Germany is still 10x harder than the hardest water in the US. If by any chance you struggle to stay hydrated at home, keep a bottle of water and a glass in the bathroom. When you get up in the morning, shower or whatever, drink a glass of water. By the time you're ready, maybe drink another one. That's gonna make you pee. You're automatically back to the bathroom and there's water already conveniently available so just drink a glass everytime you're in there. You'll feel like a fish. A happy, healthy one. 

In my free time (when I can't effectively film videos cause of goat child up there) I've been expanding on my Sims 3 world. Yesterday I finished building a karaoke bar and built an arcade from scratch. It's so much fun and I wish I could share it. I have little districts in my already tiny island and so many ideas for new venues. One day I dream of getting a computer strong enough to stream gameplay (and not take 16 hours to render a video) and by that time my town will be probably mostly done and I can walk you around and we can hang out and play in my own custom world. You could give me suggestions where we should go and stuff. Just be warned that there are only young adults and adults in my town and I have aging turned off by default. Right now I'm just looking to fix the stupid patch that made it so no stray cats and dogs are spawned in any town ever. Avery sim has the animal rescuer lifetime wish and all I get is a crap ton of wild horses. She wants to rescue 6 strays and all of them can definitely NOT be horses. 

I'm also starting my shop back up after a long absence. I have some stuff that I never listed cause life is crazy and I can't keep up. But you were right, I can't not take care of myself. I've been thinking a bit and a lot of the stuff that's wearing me down is what I think other people expect of me. I've always been a little different but over here in Europe, if you even so much as lean against the walls of the box you're supposed to stay in, you're declared a nut job and no one ever takes you seriously again. It's just plain ironic how the things I require to stay sane make me look insane to everyone else. Things like randomly stop and feel the ground because it's physically exhausting to fight this need - the responses range from "omg are you ok?" to "hahaha look at that freak!" ... I've just given up at this point. People are gonna make fun of me either way, they always do, so I feel like it'll hurt less if I don't try to be loved by those who are incapable of love and do what I need to be healthy. Then at least I don't waste my energy. The outcome is the same either way, though I've noticed it's less bad if I'm wearing makeup. Cause then at least they're laughing cause I'm a goth, not because I just somehow have a funny face.  

Storm clouds are pulling up and I'm craving sushi. I almost don't wanna order anything though cause I'd feel bad making the delivery guy bring me food in this crazy weather we will be having in an estimated 20 minutes. Maybe later lol. 

So yeah, thank you guys for all your birthday wishes. It was lovely to spend the whole weekend with the love of my life, no matter how far apart, and just eat and drink and be merry. I needed some down time pretty badly and this helped reset me to be more aware of my needs. It definitely helped me notice how much of my behavior is filtered through the conventions of what's socially acceptable = avoiding all the things that got me bad responses from other people = behaving "irrationally". You know your childhood is fucked when going on 30 you wonder if it's actually possible to live your whole life giving a fuck about your own needs. But I'm curious. Is it possible? There's only one way to find out. 

//Ally